Maybe you . . .
- don’t like the way you look;
- don’t like your personality;
- don’t like your lack of (fill in the blank here — intelligence, creativity, motivation);
- don’t like your life choices;
- don’t like the way you are in relationships.
Quite often we don’t like ourselves because of our perceived inability to follow through, achieve goals, earn enough money, or reach a certain level of success. Much of our self-loathing comes from looking at what others have and viewing ourselves as inadequate because we don’t have it.
1. Acknowledge
Acknowledge the life-altering importance of loving yourself. Recognize that everything good in your life hinges on seeing your own unique beauty and worthiness. Accept that all of your life successes, all love and acceptance, all happiness, begins with embracing and loving who you are right now.
2. Refocus
On a daily basis, refocus your attention away from flaws and failures and on your uniqueness and positive qualities. Define those for yourself, even the smallest positive aspects you see in yourself, and write them down. Review them every single day. Remember that these qualities are as much or more a part of you than your flaws.
3. Redefine
As you work to accept yourself as you are, do hard for your best version today. This ideal self should be based on who YOU are authentically, not crafted from the influences of peers, parents, the media, or anyone else. Who is your best self? How do you want to look, feel, think, act, and operate in the world? Write a “character study” of this yet-to-be-expressed self.
4. Choose
Carefully choose your friends and associates so you surround yourself with loving, real, caring, and supportive people. These are people who reflect back to you the beautiful qualities they see in you. Open your eyes to be able to see yourself as they see you and to accept the validity of their assessment.
5. Envision
Envision yourself as your own best friend. Begin to see your higher self as the best friend taking charge and talking to your wounded self. As your higher self, think or speak only the words that you would say to your best friend in times of crisis or self-doubt. Use words of approval, support, reinforcement, and praise. Don’t let your wounded self be the spokesperson for your psyche.
6. Explore
Set aside time to learn more about yourself — your personality, aptitudes, interests, etc. Take assessments, workshops, courses, read books and blogs. See yourself as an interesting multifaceted package to open and explore. Go beyond how you look, what you’ve achieved, how much money you have, etc. Find out what moves you, what brings you deepest joy, what true intimacy feels like.
7. Accept
Accept what you cannot change about yourself. Everyone has parts of themselves they can’t “fix” or alter — aspects of our appearance, personalities, our past experiences or choices. There are only two options here. You can forever struggle against those unchangeable things, or you can grow beyond them and choose the path of self-acceptance. Having these unchangeable things doesn’t have to condemn us to a lifetime of unhappiness. The opportunities for happiness in life are so vast — our flaws are infinitesimal inky droplets in a sea of potential for joyful living. They will dissolve and dissipate if you don’t focus on them.
8. Change
If there are things you can change and want to change about yourself to become more of your ideal self, then embrace the privilege and glorious opportunity to effect change. Define the actions that change requires. Break the actions down into small and manageable goals. Every day, give yourself one small goal as a gift. It is a gift your higher self is offering from love and the desire to move you closer to your ideal.
9. Patience
Learning to love yourself requires patience. If you’ve spent years disliking or even hating yourself, it will take time to turn the ship around and forge a new direction. You will likely have times of slipping back into old beliefs and negative self-talk. But remember, if you see how the entirety of your life experience hinges on self-love, you will be tenacious and determined to love yourself.
10. Practice
Just as it takes practice to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your spouse or child, it takes the same practice to maintain your love for yourself. You must remain actively mindful of it every day. Maintain your focus on your unique and beautiful qualities. Continue to make small and purposeful steps toward who you really are. Acknowledge and celebrate those steps. Reflect gratefully on all that you have and all that you are in process of becoming.