What does it sound like in your head?
Sometimes I wish I could hop into someone’s head to hear what they are really thinking. Our thoughts are secret—and it’s a good thing too. We are far more brutal in our minds than in reality.
As a man thinketh, so is he.
Here are the major questions I have for you:
- When you talk to yourself, are you nicer? Meaner? Harsher? Sweeter?
- Do your thoughts match your actions?
- Do you speak your mind?
Over the past few years running the Science of People, I have shared with you my readers and students that I am a ‘recovering awkward person.’ Most people immediately ask me two questions following this statement: How were you awkward? And how are you recovering?
This blog is filled with many of the practical tips I use to fight awkwardness and successfully interact with people. But I rarely get into the mindset of behavior change. This post is the first time I will go in depth into the thoughts behind the behavior. So before we get started…
A Warning: This post is a bit softer than my normal posts. It’s because I am exploring an idea out loud (or out loud for you on my blog)—I am wondering if these tips resonate with you. If not, no worries; thanks for going down a mental path with me. If so, let me know in the comments.
Here are some of the most common bad habits:
____ Procrastinating
____ Eating Badly
____ Smoking
____ Not Exercising
____ Working Too Much
____ Working Too Little
____ Watching Too Much TV
____ Drinking
____ Losing Things
____ Gossip
____ Being Disorganized
____ Forgetting Things
____ Lying
____ Complaining
____ Ignoring Problems
____ Starting But Never Finishing
Any of these look familiar? Let’s examine how your thoughts are tied to your actions.
#1: The Brain Believes What You Tell It Most
I recently picked up the book What to Say When You Talk to Your Self by Shad Helmstetter. Dr. Helmstetter argues that we are programmed by our thoughts. His ideas are very similar to the process I use when interacting with people and overcoming social anxiety. While the neurological evidence in the book is scant, I did want to use it as a springboard for discussing mindset. In fact, this is something I run into all the time in our lab. Specifically, our self-truths:
#2: Self-Truths
Self-Truths: The ideas we tell ourselves. The beliefs we carry around whether they are true or not.
Sometimes we learn self-truths from life experiences, other times we pick them up from those around us and other times we believe what we are told by parents, bosses and teachers.
For example, I had no chance to be good at math. From a young age, I was told ‘it wouldn’t come naturally to me’ or that ‘math will be your worst subject’ and sometimes even, ‘math is hard for girls.’ And guess what? It was! (And is). I wonder what would have happened if I had been told the opposite?
Here are some other common negative self-truths I hear people say all the time:
____ I am horrible at remembering faces
____ I never get a break
____ I have terrible luck
____ I can’t remember names
____ I’m awful with people
____ I’m so awkward
____ I’ll never fit in
____ I’m not creative
____ Mondays are always slow
____ I’m no good at …
____ Things never work out for me
____ I’m just not the type of person who …
____ I’m so clumsy
Do any of these sound familiar? I want to take a moment and have you think about some of your self-truths. What are some limiting beliefs you say to yourself?
- I’m not good at _______________________________________
- I always _______________________________________
- I never_______________________________________
- I’m just not the type of person who ________________________________
- I’m not very _______________________________________
*If nothing comes to mind with these, DON’T fill them in! But if one instantly pops into your head, you might have just learned something interesting about yourself. Read on…
#3: Contextual Self-Truths
The other kind of self-talk can come up around certain people or in specific situations. For example, I feel very out of place in nightclubs and loud bars. My self-talk sounds something like, “I am so uncool!” or “I don’t belong here.” This is probably a learned self-truth. I had a few bad experiences early on and now I can’t shake them.
A friend of mine tends to chastise herself whenever she is around her mother. Before driving over to her parents’ for dinner, she will sit in the car and agonize, “I’m always so late… I never have my s*** together.” And the sad thing is her Mom says the same thing the moment she walks in the door. “Honey, you’re always late—you have to be more organized!” This is probably a taught self-truth. Her mom reaffirmed the behavior at a young age and she held onto it.
Do you have contextual self-truths?
- Around Your Parents:
- With Your Friends:
- At Work:
- With Your Boss:
- At School:
- With Technology:
#4: Limiting Wishes
Sometimes self-truths come in the form of limiting wishes.
Limiting Wishes: A future state that we hope will solve all of the problems from our current lacking self.
For example, one woman came into our lab and told us that the reason she can’t make friends is because of her horrible nose. “I look like a tucan,” she said. “When I am talking to people, I know all they are thinking about is my nose. As soon as I get it fixed, it will be so much easier to meet people.”
Let me ask you a question. Have you EVER not been able to talk to someone because you didn’t like their nose? No. Absolutely not. We tried explaining this to her every way possible. We even had people watch videos of her and rate her on a variety of personality traits. Not one single person mentioned her nose in the comments, in the post-interview, nothing. However, she was convinced of this limiting wish. Her limiting wish was, “If only my nose was smaller, I would be able to make friends.”
Here are common limiting wishes:
____ If only I was thinner
____ If only I was taller
____ If only I was richer
____ If only I was funnier
____ If only I was smarter
____ If only I got that promotion
____ If only I could move to that city
____ If only I could find a significant other
____ If only I was older
____ If only I was younger
Do you have any limiting wishes? Any desires that are holding you hostage?
- If only I was _______________________________________
- I wish I _______________________________________
- Everything would be better if I_______________________________________
#5: Changing Self-Talk
Dr. Helmstetter breaks down being able to change your self-talk into 5 levels which I found interesting:
Level 1: The Level of Negative Acceptance
“I can’t _____ .”
- The fill-in the blank statements you put in for your self-truths and limiting wishes are the current negative ideas you have accepted about yourself.
Level 2: The Level of Recognition and Need to Change
“I need to …” , “I should …”
- *Hopefully* this is where you are now. The first half of this post was getting you to think about changing some of your negative self-truths and limiting wishes.
Level 3: The Level of Decision to Change
“I no longer …”
- When you’re here, you have decided to change some of the limiting beliefs you have (see Step #6 next).
Level 4: The Level of the Better You
“I am …”
- Once you have retired a limiting belief or changed it you then have a new self-vision and concept.
Level 5: The Level of Universal Affirmation
“It is …”
- Lastly, you see the world differently. You have changed your own belief and the world around you.
Deciding to Change
In What to Say When You Talk to Your Self, Dr. Helmstetter breezed through Level #3—deciding to change. Changing your self-talk is hard—in fact, I think it takes a lifetime. It’s something I have been working on since I turned 17 and was lovingly called on some of my own limiting beliefs by a mentor. My hope with this post is that I am doing the same for you. Let’s start here:
#6: What Do You Sound Like?
This is kind of a weird question, but go with me for a second:
What does your internal voice sound like?
For just a moment, think about the voice in your head. You know the one that comments on your actions or makes little observations about the world around you. Does that voice sound like the voice you use in real life? Over the last few years, I have talked to people about their own ‘self-talk’ and more often than not I would hear them mention ‘how mean’ the voice in their head is. “But that’s you!?” I would say. “That voice is you!” But they would explain that sometimes the way they talk to themselves is much harsher than the way they would speak to anyone else.
Would you speak to someone else the same way you speak to yourself?
Take a look at this spectrum. When you talk to yourself, where do you fall:
I am extremely critical of myself. When I don’t get something right, I internally berate myself and my abilities. If I mess up playing soccer or have a bad workout day, I internally chastise my laziness and lack of willpower. This self-talk gives me my drive, but it is often exhausting and demoralizing.
However, it has gotten better—slowly. I want to share with you the only way I know how to change self-talk.
How to Talk to Yourself
Do these 3 steps with me now before trying them practically:
Step #1: Hear Yourself
Most of this post has been dedicated to examining, identifying and calling out your self-truths. Why? That is the first step to changing them. We very rarely actually listen to what we say to ourselves. Please spend some time with the self-truth, limiting wish and contextual self-truth exercises. I want you to take out a sheet of paper and draw three columns. In the first one, write down all of your limiting beliefs. It might look like this:
Step #2: Reverse
It seems silly, but sometimes we have been thinking something for so long that we have forgotten what made us believe it in the first place. And we certainly no longer challenge it. I want you to go through your self-truth list and write down its reverse in a column called ‘Opposite.’ It should look like this:
Step #3: Gather the Evidence
This is the hard part. I want you to write down all of the reasons why the opposite is true. Sometimes this means finding learning experiences from hard memories—that’s ok.
#7: Your Choice
Now you have a choice. You can live automatically, easily, by default. Or you can live purposefully, with challenges and hard truths. I do not believe ignorance is bliss. I think truly living is embracing truth—about yourself, about the people around you, about how we work. But only you can decide to do this. If you want to try purposeful self-talk all you have to do is complete the 3 steps above when you begin to be self-critical. I can’t do this all the time, but it is what I try most of the time. This is how I have overcome a lot of my social anxiety. When I find myself in a bar for a friend’s bachelorette party, I go through these three steps:
- I don’t belong.
- I belong.
- My best friends are here. I love celebrating people, especially the bachelorette. I love the song they are playing.
And so it goes. It’s not easy. It doesn’t happen all the time. But it’s exactly what it sounds like in my head.
What does it sound like in yours?