The most 15 common negative unhelpful way of thinking

Cognitive Distortions

Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions.

1. Filtering.

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing.

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.

6. Personalization.

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies.

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.

9. Blaming.

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Mustsand oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

To succeed, you should know!

What Success Demands

No matter what goals or ambitions you might have, there is one thing certain: There is a price you must pay to get what you want in life. In fact, there’s no sidestepping the fact that any type of success you would like to attain demands something from you — it demands that you do certain things in order to get what you want. It’s simply the way life works, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to avoid it.

Let’s take a closer look at exactly what success in any field of endeavor may demand from you:

Success Demands You Show No Fear

Fear is something that is likely to consistently hold you back from your desired objectives. Success demands that you overcome your fears and develop the necessary courage you need to pursue your goals with vigor, passion and zest.

You must successfully strive to overcome, or at the very least successfully manage the fear of uncertainty, the fear of failure, the fear of getting rejected or criticized, the fear of making mistakes, the fear of change, and even the fear of hard work. These are all common fears that hold people back from the life they want to live. However, they can’t hold you back, because success demands that you have no fear, and if you want to achieve any kind of success in your life, then this is something you must successfully work through.

Success Demands Unwavering Commitment

When you are fully committed to something, nothing will sidetrack you. It doesn’t matter whether or not the sun comes up tomorrow, or whether or not the earth stops spinning on its axis. Okay, well maybe these are far-fetched examples, however I hope you get the point. It’s important that you are fully committed to your endeavors without allowing things to pull you off track.

Don’t just commit to your goal. That’s not enough. Success demands far more than that. What success demands from you is that you fully commit to being extraordinary, to being courageous, to being disciplined, and to being accountable for your decisions and actions. Success also demands that you have an unwavering commitment to excellence, a commitment to persevere despite the inevitable setbacks that life will throw your way, and that you are committed to take consistent action daily towards your objectives.

It’s the dedication you show on a daily basis towards your desired outcomes that will make all the difference in the end.

Success Demands Believing that Failure is Not an Option

Success in anything you do is riddled with problems, mistakes and the inevitable failure. These things are unavoidable. You will face these circumstances sooner or later along your journey. However, it’s not the circumstances that matter, it’s rather what you believe about these circumstances that makes all the difference in the end.

You must believe that no matter what happens — no matter how badly you fail and how horrible this might make you feel — that failure is never an option. Success demands that you pick yourself up after a failure or mistake and try once again. Yes, change your strategy and do something a little (or a lot) different, however you must keep going — just keep moving forward with passion and a strong sense of purpose that no matter what you will eventually get to your ultimate destination.

Success Demands You Make No Excuses

Excuses are for those people who live with constant regret about the things that they could have, should have or would have done if… These people never achieve their desired long-term outcomes because their excuses get in the way and prevent them from taking advantage of the opportunities that problems present them with.

Success demands that you take full responsibility for everything that happens to you without blaming others or blaming external events or seemingly uncontrollable circumstances for your problems. You are responsible for your decisions and actions, and as a result you never make any excuses, fully understanding that excuses only lead to further problems — they most certainly never help you solve them.

Success Demands You Make Difficult Choices

As you make progress along your journey towards your desired outcomes, success will demand that you make difficult choices about what you will do and about what you won’t do. It demands that you choose what you will and won’t sacrifice. It demands that you decide what’s the most important thing to focus on at any one time. Success demands that you choose who you will spend your time with, keeping in mind that the people you spend most time with could either help or hinder your progress.

Most importantly success demands that you make difficult daily choices about how you spend your time, energy and money. You must consistently invest your energy into meaningful tasks and goal congruent activities that will provide you with the highest long-term benefits. Spending your time on the wrong things could very well spell the difference between success and failure.

Success Requires Sacrifice

The goals and objectives you have in mind will not magically manifest in your life. You will need to work hard and potentially make some drastic sacrifices along the way.

Success requires some kind of sacrifice. You will not gain something for nothing. That’s not how the world works, and it’s therefore certainly not something you can bank on. If you’re not willing to make the necessary sacrifices to attain your goals and objectives, then you will fail to create the momentum you need to get your desired outcomes.

Anything you want in your life is essentially unattainable. It’s unattainable if you do not give something up in order to get something back. Giving something up could come in the form of your time, energy or money. You might need to sacrifice one of these things, or maybe a combination of these things in order to get what you want.

Here are some sacrifices you might need to make along your journey:

Sacrificing Who You Are

One of the biggest and most profound sacrifices you might undoubtedly need to make along your journey is changing who you are for whom you desire to become — for whom your “goal” needs you to become.

The end goal you have in mind requires that you shift how you think, what you believe, the habits you indulge in, and maybe even the values you live by. In fact, it’s very possible that you might need to become a very different person than the person you are today in order to have this goal in your life. And if you’re unable, or simply unwilling to make these sacrifices/changes, then it’s likely that the goal you desire will always be out of reach. Ask yourself:

What beliefs must I sacrifice to attain this goal?

What beliefs could actually prevent me from having this goal?

What habits and rituals must I sacrifice to attain this goal?

What habits could actually sabotage me from attaining my desired outcome?

What values might I need to shift in order to have this goal?

What does this goal demand that I change about myself?

How will I make the necessary changes?

You need to be willing to sacrifice the person you are today (without this goal) for the person you will be tomorrow (with this goal). These two people are not the same. And if you don’t believe that, then you will soon find out the hard way that life only gives you something of value when you are willing to grow into this new experience on a personal level. This means changing who you are for who you need to become to ultimately deserve having this goal in your life.

Giving Up Something Good to Get Something Better

Attaining your desired outcome might mean that you give up something that feels comfortable, secure and safe in the moment for something that is better long-term. This comes back to the instant gratification trap. Many people are simply not willing to give up their short-term pleasures for higher level long-term pleasures. They are lost in the moment and simply unable to bear through periods of short-term pain that they must get through in order to experience ultimate pleasure in the future.

If you’re serious about attaining your desired objectives, then you must be willing to let go of the small pleasures found in the moment that might very well distract and sabotage you from living the ultimate long-term pleasures that you will experience once your goal has been achieved.

Eliminating Distracting Activities

Your success is dependent on your commitment to eliminate all the distracting activities that could potentially sidetrack you from your ultimate destination. These are essentially the things that you indulge in on a daily basis that make you feel good, but aren’t good for you. These are your guilty pleasures such as mindlessly surfing the internet, playing video games or watching television shows and movies. All these things may feel good in the moment, however long-term they will only delay what you really want most out of life.

Paying the Price in Full

The moment you commit yourself towards the pursuit of a specific goal is the moment you must also commit yourself to the price you will need to pay to attain this goal.

Your goal always comes with strings attached. You simply cannot have your goal without making some necessary physical, financial, emotional, mental, and social sacrifices.

Have a think about your goal and also have a good hard think about the potential sacrifices you might need to make in specific areas of your life to help bring this goal to fruition. Who knows, you might even come to the realization that this goal you want so badly just doesn’t seem worth the effort. Because if you’re not willing to make the necessary sacrifices, then you shouldn’t be spending your time pursuing this goal. Spend your time instead on other areas that will provide you with a greater return on your time.

Letting Go of Conflicts

Sometimes you will make all these sacrifices to create room to achieve your goal, but you still don’t seem to be moving forward as quickly as you had imagined. This is very typical and it often results from a number of conflicts you have in your life that on the surface may not seem as though they are conflicting with your goal.

First and most importantly, conflicts may arise when you have conflicting goals. You might in fact have other goals that you are working towards that are competing for your time, energy and money. You are essentially spreading yourself too thin and as a result you don’t have the laser focus required to create the momentum you need to get things done.

Have a think in particular about all the small and medium sized goals that you are consciously and unconsciously working towards. These could be the goals that are sabotaging you from moving forward. You must decide today that you will either change them or eliminate them altogether. There’s no point holding onto these goals if they will keep you from reaching your ultimate destination.

As with conflicting goals, also have a think about any conflicting responsibilities and commitments that you might have. These are the things that are taking up your time and resources that you could instead be giving to your main objective. Cut these things from your life, and you will suddenly find yourself freed up to focus on the most important things in life.

Conflicts can also come in the form of destructive relationships. These are often the people who do not support you or your goals. At other times though, they can actually be the people who support you, however they continue to sabotage you by distracting you from your highest priority activities. Let these relationships go if you can. There is no point holding onto your past if it doesn’t serve your future.

Gaining Proper Perspective

When it comes to making the necessary sacrifices to achieve your goals, it’s critical to gain the proper perspective about what it means to be successful.

There Are No Shortcuts

There are often no shortcuts to success. The only shortcuts to success come from your experience. Once you know what to do and how to do it, you will be much more capable at getting things done the fastest way possible. However, this takes time, and success essentially comes down to your ability to use time effectively. This requires that you focus on the right things, at the right time, in the right way and spend just the right amount of time on them. It’s as simple as that, however it’s not simple. It’s hard work, and it takes a lot of effort and experience to get things to this stage.

Are you willing to make the necessary sacrifices to eventually get thing to this stage?

Most People Are Not Willing to Sacrifice

The reality of the matter is that most people are simply not willing to make the necessary sacrifices or to pay the ultimate price for success. This is either good or bad news for you. It’s bad news if you’re actually one of these people and not willing to make these sacrifices, however it’s good news if you’re not one of these people because it means that you already have the upper-hand just from the fact that you are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to attain your goals and objectives.

Anything Worthwhile Takes Hard Work

Anything that is worthwhile achieving in this world takes dedication and hard work. It requires considerable effort, thought and time invested in performing tasks and in acquiring the necessary knowledge, skills, resources and experience that will help you to ultimately attain your desired outcomes.

The Consequences of Making No Sacrifices

One sure sign that indicates you have not made adequate sacrifices for your goals is the fact that you continue to sabotage your efforts on a regular basis. This self-sabotage might come in the form of being too busy, indulging in procrastination and perfectionism, being constantly distracted with other activities, not willing to give up certain responsibilities and/or commitments, making excuses, etc. All these things are now manifesting in your life as regret and stagnation.

The most important takeaway from this is that your dreams will remain unfulfilled and that your life will change very little until you begin taking responsibility for yourself and commit to making the necessary sacrifices that will change your life for the better. Everything ultimately has a price, and you must pay it. If you don’t, then you will pay it another way by missing out on what you most want out of life.

Paying the Ultimate Price

It’s time for you to commit one way or another. You must make up your mind whether or not you are willing and able to commit and pay the ultimate price for success — the ultimate price to attain your goals and objectives. The decision is yours to make, however it’s a decision that should not be made lightly. Sacrificing is never an easy thing to do. It must make sense for you, and must provide you with long-term benefits that far outweigh the short-term sacrifices you will ultimately need to make. Here are a few guidelines that will hopefully help provide you with some clarify:

Step One: Clarify What You Want

First of all, before deciding what you will sacrifice, it’s important to clarify what exactly you would like to achieve. Ask yourself:

What do I want?

Why do I want this?

How badly do I really want this?

The more reasons you have for wanting something, the more sacrifices you are likely to make.

Step Two: Clarify Action Steps

In order to determine what you will need to sacrifice, you must first become familiar with the action steps you might need to take along your journey. Ask yourself:

What will I need to do to attain this goal?

What specifically do I need to attain this goal?

Do I need specific knowledge, skills, tools and resources?

Have a think through these questions and take a little time to draw up your plan of action moving forward.

Step Three: Consider Impact of Goal

Take time to consider the impact that the process of achieving this goal will have on your life. Ask yourself:

How will the process of achieving this goal impact my life?

How could it potentially impact many different areas of my life?

How could it impact my relationships with others?

What potential conflicts may arise?

Take into consideration the impact it will have on you emotionally, financially and socially. Think about how it will impact your habits and routines, your priorities, your personal time, and maybe even other goals that you are working towards. And ultimately search for potential conflicts that may arise as a result.

Step Four: Consider Possible Changes

Based on the conflicts you identified within the previous step, take some time to outline the kinds of changes that you might need to make to your life in order to minimize or eliminate these conflicts altogether. Ask yourself:

How must my life change in order to make room for this goal?

How must I change as a person in order to make room for this goal?

Changes must happen in two significant ways. You must first look at ways you can change your life, and secondly at ways you must change yourself. If you neglect any one of these areas, then it’s likely conflicts will continue to exist, and as a result you will continue to sabotage yourself and fail to meet your long-term expectations.

Step Five: Make the Necessary Sacrifices

Having clarity about what it is you want, about how you will get there, about the impact that these goals will have on your life, and about the possible changes that you must now make, hopefully brings some insight into the kinds of sacrifices that you will ultimately need to make to attain your desired outcome. Ask yourself:

What specifically must I sacrifice to achieve my goal?

What will be the impact of these sacrifices on my life?

Will these sacrifices be enough?

Who could shed some light on this?

Asking other people for their insights and perspectives could help shed some light on the kinds of sacrifices that they for instance needed to make in similar situations. This can help you to cover all bases — making sure that you have taken everything under consideration before committing to this goal.

Finally, the ultimate question is:

Am I willing to make these sacrifices to obtain this goal?

If the answer is YES, then also consider:

What if things take much longer then expected?

What if things are much harder then expected?

Given this, will I still be willing and able to make the necessary sacrifices long-term?

Sometimes while deciding to make sacrifices it’s easy to look at the short-term and ignore the long-term scenarios. Maybe you will achieve your goal quickly and it will be worth it. However, just maybe it will take you far longer than expected and as a result you will need to sacrifice far more than you imagined. If you fail to consider this scenarios, then you will fail to make the long-term changes necessary to create space for this goal in your life.

In the end, if you are not willing and able to make the necessary sacrifices to attain your goal, then either change your goal or dump your goal. There is no point pursuing something you will ultimately not be able to achieve. Yes of course, the journey is important. However, you will probably be better off spending your time focusing on other areas that will bring you greater rewards long-term.

Your Negative thoughts? What to do?

Exploring Your Unhelpful Thoughts

Whenever you experience any kind of emotion, this emotion is always accompanied by a set of thoughts. These thoughts are constructed of words and statements that often manifest in the form of questions. You ask these questions in order to make sense of your emotions and your circumstances. If you ask the right kinds of questions, you will get the right kinds of answers that will help you move forward in a positive way. However, if you ask the wrong questions, then you will often end up creating additional problems for yourself.

This is in a ways a very simplified explanation of our thought-process. This is how we think and how we respond to circumstances. When we choose to think in optimal ways, we can often get the best out of our abilities. However, when we think in limiting ways we often end up making the situation far worse than it should be. You therefore have both helpful and unhelpful thoughts that direct your behaviors, decisions and actions throughout the day.

For the purpose of this discussion we will explore your unhelpful thoughts. These unhelpful thoughts often manifest from unhelpful emotions such as anger, anxiety, stress, depression, fear, etc. You experience an unhelpful emotion, which is preceded by a number of unhelpful thoughts or statements you make to yourself. These unhelpful thoughts have certain characteristics and patterns in the way they tend to manifest in your life. These “thinking” patterns are known as “unhelpful thinking styles”.

Unhelpful thinking styles are built upon automatic habitual patterns that you pick-up over a lifetime. These thinking styles become rather problematic when you consider the fact that they direct your behavior at an unconscious level of awareness. Therefore if you’re in the habit of using some of these unhelpful thinking styles on a consistent basis, then you can be assured that you are not living up to your full potential.

These thoughts are not helpful. They are not making your life any easier, and they are certainly not empowering you whatsoever. The unhelpful thinking styles you have chosen to use and adopt are limiting your perspectives, denying you opportunities, creating additional problems, and making you feel absolutely miserable. Isn’t it time you put a stop to them once and for all?

Ten Common Unhelpful Thinking Styles

There are ten recognized unhelpful thinking styles that you might typically indulge in. All styles are equal, however some will of course be more problematic than others depending on how you use them and depending on what you are trying to accomplish.

As you go through each of these unhelpful thinking styles you might recognize some similarities between them. Some of them are in fact very similar in nature. However, they will tend to manifest in your life in a slightly different way. The purpose is therefore to identify the patterns, and how these patterns of thinking tend to shape and hinder your view of reality.

Let’s now briefly take a look at each one of these ten unhelpful thinking styles before breaking them down in detail:

Mental Filter

Here you tend to filter things in and out of your conscious awareness. This is a form of “tunnel vision” where you only tend to focus on a part of something and you ignore the rest. You might for instance only filter out all the negatives of a particular situation. You therefore only see the negatives and fail to recognize and acknowledge the positives. Your vision of reality is therefore based on your flawed perspective of the negativity you see in each particular situation.

Jumping to Conclusions

Here you tend to jump to unjustified conclusions. You make quick assumptions about how things are and what they’re going to be like in the future (predictive thinking), or you will assume that you know what someone else is thinking (mind reading). These conclusions and assumptions are not based on fact or evidence, but rather based on your feelings and personal opinions. As such they can often lead you astray down the wrong path.

Personalization

Here you tend to blame yourself for your problems and for everything that goes wrong in your life. You might for instance continuously blame yourself for your misfortunes and bad luck. This will be true whether or not you are responsible or partly responsible for the problem or misfortune. Taking responsibility for things is admirable, however it can end up being a very burdensome habit-of-mind that leads to very strong feelings of guilt and regret.

Black and White Thinking

Here you tend to only see the extremes of a situation. You either see one extreme or another and this is why it’s called black and white thinking. You will for instance either see the good or bad, the right or wrong, the sad or happy, the left or right, etc. And because of your extreme way of viewing things, there is never a middle-ground. As such you are unlikely to view things in an unbiased and neutral way.

Catastrophising

Here you tend to completely blow things out of proportion and make them out to be a lot worse than they should be. The reality of the situation might be quite insignificant and small. However, because you’re in the habit of catastrophising, you always tend to make your problems larger than life — thereby making your problems even more difficult to overcome.

Overgeneralization

Here you tend to reference your past in order to make assumptions about the present. You might for example take one instance from the past and use that as a “predictor” or barometer for a current or future situation. Whenever you use the words “He always… She always… Everyone… You never… People never… I never…” you are at that moment overgeneralizing.

Shoulding and Musting

Here you tend to put unreasonable demands and pressure on yourself and on other people to do certain things. You tend to say, “I must… I should… You must… You should…”. These statements provide insight into the standards you tend to uphold and the things you expect of yourself and others. These standards can of course at times be helpful, however at other times “shoulding” and “musting” can create unrealistic expectations that you or others will struggle to live up to.

Labeling

Here you tend to label yourself or other people in certain ways based on behavior in very specific situations. These labels you make form your belief systems. Therefore the more times you use these labels the stronger your beliefs become. This can be a good thing, however it’s unhelpful when you tend to label things a certain way despite the facts and evidence that are inconsistent with the labels you are making.

Magnification and Minimization

Here you tend to magnify the positives attributes of another person, while at the same time minimizing your own positive attributes. You are essentially devaluing yourself — bringing yourself down — while raising the stature of other people. In this scenario you tend to explain-away everything you have going for yourself including your positive traits, characteristics and achievements as though they don’t matter.

Emotional Reasoning

Here you tend to base your view of a particular situation in accordance with how you’re feeling. Therefore your feelings dictate how you perceive a situation despite evidence to the contrary. As such you might choose to feel bad about something that is going to happen just because you are feeling miserable in the moment. You are therefore using your current emotional state as a barometer that directs how you will view your life and circumstances.

Within the following sections we will explore each of the ten unhelpful thinking styles in a little more detail. As you work through each section you will come across a set of self-analysis questions. These questions are designed to help you identify how, where and why you might be using some of these unhelpful thinking styles.

With a greater understanding of your habitual thinking patterns, comes a greater sense of control that will help encourage positive change in your life.

Mental Filter

Mental filtering is the process of filtering information in and out of conscious awareness. As this is happening you tend to only focus on very specific things while ignoring everything else. This often involves filtering out all the positives and only bringing into conscious awareness all the negatives of a situation. As a result you tend to focus excessively on problems and on negative events and consequences. On the flip-side you tend to ignore the positives and the opportunities you are presented with.

You might for instance be in the habit of focusing on the small and insignificant details of a situation. These details might be of a negative nature. However, they are insignificant, and therefore focusing on these things just doesn’t make any sense. But you focus on them anyways because you tend to gain some value and benefit from complaining and/or pointing out the negatives. You are so caught up in this way of thinking that you don’t even consider other possibilities that might be more favorable and positive. And as a result you feel absolutely miserable.

Mental filtering also occurs when you reflect on your past experiences. You might for instance have all these wonderful memories of past events and circumstances. However, at the moment you are not in a healthy state-of-mind, and as a result you only tend to recall the negative and hurtful experiences from your past. This is actually how a person suffering from depression might think. Likewise when you feel disappointed, angry, hurt, or when experiencing low self-esteem — this too is a clear indication of mental filtering.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to use your mental filter. Ask yourself:

When do I tend to use a negative mental filter?

In what specific situations do I use it?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I say to myself?

How does this make me feel?

Why do I tend to filter things in this way? Do I gain some value from it?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to use mental filters throughout your life. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style it’s important to look for the silver-lining in every situation. Make an effort to find more positives than negatives. Focus on the positives and you will successfully shift how you think about the situation. You might find it helpful to ask yourself:

Am I seeing the full picture here? Is there anything missing?

What would other people see in this situation? How would they interpret things?

What is the silver-lining here?

What’s positive about this situation that I hadn’t noticed?

How do the positives outweigh the negatives here?

Why is it of value to view this situation in a positive light?

Jumping to Conclusions

Jumping to conclusions means you are assuming that something will be a certain way or is a certain way without having the necessary facts or evidence to back-up your assumptions. This is not the same as having an inkling about something. It’s rather about prematurely judging a situation before you have the necessary supportive information to back-up the conclusions you are making. This is especially unhelpful if you are making negative conclusions about people, events or circumstances in your life.

You might for instance make negative assumptions about what will happen in the future if you make a particular decision. These assumptions may direct your mind away from opportunities you could have potentially taken advantage of before making your conclusions. Or in another instance you might make negative assumptions about people’s intentions. Misreading people in such a way might cause unnecessary friction in your relationships.

We often tend to jump to conclusions in two specific ways. The first is through mind reading, and the second is through predictive thinking. Let’s look at each of them in a little detail:

Mind Reading

Here you are assuming that you know what someone else is thinking or the rationale behind their behavior. Your partner might for instance send you a text message that he/she wants to have a very important chat with you when you get home. Immediately alarm bells start ringing and you jump to quick conclusions about what this could really mean. Do they want to break up with me? Have they cheated on me? Have they lost their job? etc.

In another instance, you might be chatting with someone who is constantly shuffling their feet. They appear restless and agitated and you immediately jump to the conclusion that they are not interested in talking with you. Maybe they find you a bit boring. However, little do you realize that they’ve been standing on their feet all day and their legs are absolutely exhausted.

Another example might be of a friend passing you by on the street without saying “hello”. You immediately jump to the conclusion that they are holding some kind of grudge against you. However, they simply didn’t see you. Or how about one of your flat-mates coming back from work one evening. You try and have a conversation with them, however they seem very spiteful and angry. You jump to the conclusion that they are angry at you, and you begin to question what you did to upset them. Little do you realize that earlier that day they received some terrible news about one of their family members.

Jumping to these kinds of conclusions isn’t helpful because you end up stressing about things unnecessarily. These conclusions do however provide you with important insights into your own insecurities. You are for instance jumping to conclusions that your partner wants to end the relationship because you simply don’t feel as though you deserve to be with them. Or you jump to conclusions that other people find you boring because you actually believe that you are a boring person. You therefore label yourself as being “boring” and you use this filter when trying to make sense of other people’s behavior. This is certainly not helpful, and will often cause you a great deal of unnecessary anguish.

Predictive Thinking

Here you are making predictions about something negative that will happen sometime in the future. You are putting so much weight on the negatives of the situation that you end up experiencing a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

You might for instance need to do a presentation for an upcoming corporate function. This is the first time you are going to be doing a presentation of this nature, and as a result you are feeling uncertain and nervous. You start jumping to all these conclusions about what will go wrong, despite the fact that you are quite a competent presenter. Thinking about this makes you feel terrible and puts extra (unnecessary) pressure on you to perform.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to jump to conclusions. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to jump to quick conclusions?

When do I indulge in mind reading?

When do I indulge in predictive thinking?

In what specific situations do I jump to these sorts of conclusions?

What evidence and facts do I tend to often overlook?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I say to myself?

How does all this make me feel?

Why do I tend to jump to conclusions? Do I gain some value from it?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to jump to conclusions throughout your day. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome the habit of mind reading, it’s important that you first let go of needing to win the approval of other people. You won’t be able to please everyone every single time. People will also not always be agreeable with you. That’s life, and you must accept that. On the flip-side, expect the best intentions from people unless you have solid evidence that proves otherwise. Keeping an open mind and being receptive to new ideas and perspectives will put you in good frame-of-mind moving forward. To help you with this process ask yourself:

How do I know this is true? Where is the concrete evidence?

How could I test my thoughts about this?

What if things are not what they seem on the surface?

What if there is another explanation for this behavior?

What if things are the way I imagine them? Why should this bother me?

Am I any lesser of a person as a result of this person’s behavior or opinion?

How could this experience be empowering? How could it be an opportunity?

To overcome the habit of predictive thinking, you must always question the predictions you are making. For instance, ask yourself:

Does worrying about this protect me or prepare me? Is this helpful?

How do I know things will turn out this way?

How many times have I made incorrect predictions?

What evidence do I have that supports this prediction?

How have I arrived at this understanding?

How could thinking this way potentially hurt me in the long-run?

What’s the evidence against this way of thinking about things?

What if my predictions are true? How could I best handle things?

What is the worst, best and most likely outcome?

What’s a positive outcome that could result? How could I ensure this happens?

Personalization

Personalization is a form of self-inflicted guilt that can often lead to shame and the feelings of inadequacy. It is when something unfortunate happens that you tend to blame yourself for. So for instance, let’s say you invite one of your friends out for a hiking trip up a mountain. During the hike they fall and sprain their ankle. You now blame yourself for inviting them.

Here’s another example: Let’s say you buy some milk at the supermarket that’s past its use-by date. Instead of blaming the supermarket for selling you the milk, you blame yourself for not checking the use-by date on the bottle. Or let’s say that your son or daughter makes a big blunder while playing for their school basketball team, and this consequently costs them the game. When you personalize things, you end up blaming yourself for not coaching them better.

This isn’t about taking responsibility, it’s rather about taking the blame for things that are often not entirely within your direct control. Yes, of course life is about taking responsibility for your choices, decisions and actions. However, taking responsibility for every negative thing that isn’t fully within your control is a very self-defeating behavior. You are taking responsibility on the one hand, however on the other hand you are ignoring other very important factors. As a result you end up blaming yourself for everything that went wrong or that could go wrong. This has a tendency to deflate your self-esteem while making you feel discouraged and miserable.

Be responsible for your life. Be responsible for the many roles you play. Be responsible for your thoughts. Be responsible for your choices and decisions, however at the same time keep in mind that not everything is your fault, or your responsibility. You’re not to blame for all the negative things in your life. You’re also not to blame for other people’s failures and mistakes. Sometimes things are simply out of your control. You must accept and live with that.

Life will not always be rosy, and negative things will happen. Sometimes things will be your fault, however other times there will be nothing or no one to blame. It’s just how things are. It’s how life is. You take what is, then you make the best of every situation, and you move on from there.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to personalize things. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to personalize things?

In what specific situations do I tend to do this?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I say to myself?

How does personalizing things make me feel?

Why do I tend to personalize things? Do I gain some value from it?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to personalize things throughout your day. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style it’s important to pinpoint the cause of your problem. Therefore instead of blaming yourself for things that are out of your control and consequently feeling guilty about it, choose instead to solve the problem that is being presented before you.

It’s also important to distinguish between self-criticism and self-correction. The key is not to blame or criticize yourself, but rather to learn and grow from this experience in order to make the necessary corrections for the future. You might therefore find it helpful to ask yourself:

How do I know I am to blame for this?

Is it realistic to blame myself for what just happened?

How much of this was really under my direct control? [search for evidence.]

Who or what else could have created this problem?

How much of this problem am I actually responsible for? What part specifically?

What is the specific cause of this problem?

How could I go about solving this problem?

What were the intentions of all the people involved?

To what extent was this outcome due to causes that were completely out of everyone’s control?

What if there is no one or nothing to blame for this problem? What then? How do I feel about this?

How could I help resolve future instances of this problem?

Black and White Thinking

Black and white thinking is a form of all-or-nothing thinking. Here you are only seeing one extreme or another. There are no in-betweens, and there are certainly no shades of gray. Things are either this way or they are that way. There is nothing in between and you will not accept any other explanation.

You might for instance have some extreme expectations of yourself that you will never make any mistakes when doing something specific. However, when you eventually do make a mistake, you view yourself as a complete and utter failure. Or let’s say for instance that you have an argument with a co-worker. As a result of this argument you think to yourself that if you guys can’t agree then you shouldn’t be working together. Or how about you fail to make a sale during a particular week, and immediately you think to yourself that you are just not good at sales.

Thinking this way is very detrimental because it immediately makes you feel inadequate and worthless. The reality is that “absolutes” do not exist. However, if you constantly see your world in “absolutes” then you will always feel worthless because you simply won’t be able to live up to your lofty and exaggerated expectations.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend indulge in black and white thinking. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to indulge in black and white thinking?

In what specific situations do I tend to do this?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does indulging in black and white thinking make me feel?

Why do I indulge in black and white thinking? Do I gain some value from it?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to indulge in black and white thinking throughout your day. Awareness is the first step to change.

It’s important to remind yourself that nothing is 100 percent like this or like that. No one is all bad or all good, and life is not just about the winner and loser. There are many different levels, grades or shades of experience that will help enrich your life in so many incredible ways. Sometimes things are “that way”, and sometimes they are “this way”. However, other times they are different. There are therefore always exceptions to the rule.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome the habit of black and white thinking, ask yourself:

Does thinking this way tend to motivate me? Why?

Is thinking this way realistic and helpful?

Has there ever been a time in the past when things were not this way but rather another way?

What are the exceptions to this rule?

What is the evidence that disproves how I’m viewing this situation?

How could I prove that my thoughts are wrong about this?

What could be worse than this? What could be better?

Would everyone see things as I see things? Why? Why not?

Really, never? Does this make any sense at all?

Really, always? Does this make any sense at all?

Catastrophising

Catastrophising is when you have a tendency to blow things out of proportion unnecessarily — exaggerating the importance of your errors, fears and imperfections. You essentially live through Murphy’s Law and turn mild pessimism into an absolute nightmare.

You might for instance experience a minor setback, however because you’re in the habit of catastrophising, you will turn the problem into a big, awful and insurmountable obstacle that you will never overcome. Or you might have a chest pain and immediately you think to yourself that it’s a heart attack. Or, you have a slight disagreement with your partner and you immediately think that this argument will end your relationship. Or for instance you think you might have left the kitchen stove on, and you are already imagining your house burning down in rubbles.

Here’s another example: Let’s say you can’t find your wallet, and immediately you imagine that someone has stolen it and is now emptying your bank accounts. As a result you won’t be able to pay your bills. And if you can’t pay your bills the bank will repossess your car. And if you don’t have a car you can’t travel to work, and you will therefore lose your job. As a result you will be forced to sell your home to pay all your debts. Then you’ll end up living on the street begging for food. And it’s the middle of winter. It will be cold and you will fall ill and end up in a hospital bed. And then…

When you’re catastrophising you are creating worst-case scenarios in your head out of small and relatively insignificant things. You are creating problems where there are no problems. What’s worse, is that you are over exaggerating these problems in unrealistic ways.

You might have a tendency to catastrophise in order to make yourself feel important, to win the sympathy of other people, or simply because you want to add more excitement to your life. There might actually be quite a number of reasons why you might indulge in catastrophising. However, the reasons don’t matter. What matters is that catastrophising can lead to significant “phantom” problems (only real in your imagination) that slowly but surely take over your entire life. They aren’t real, but they feel real and soon things become overwhelming and you quickly lose control.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to indulge in catastrophising. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to catastrophise things?

When do I tend to do this?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does catastrophising make me feel?

Why do I tend to catastrophise things? Do I gain some value from it?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to catastrophise things throughout your day. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style, it’s important that you continuously question the problems/things that you are blowing out of proportion. Ask yourself:

Does worrying about this protect me? Does it prepare me? Is this necessary?

Thinking realistically about this, how likely is this to happen?

What evidence is there that supports my catastrophic thoughts?

What evidence and facts do I have that this is unlikely to happen?

What if things aren’t as I make them out to be?

What if the opposite of what I’m catastrophising is more likely to happen?

How many times before have I made incorrect predictions?

What if this isn’t a problem to begin with? What if this is only a “phantom” problem?

What if my thoughts about this are true?

What would specifically have to happen to make this a reality?

What are the actual realistic chances of this happening in exactly this way?

If things happen this way, how will I feel about it next week? Next month? Next year?

How could I best prepare myself to handle the worst-case scenario?

What positives could potentially result from this experience? Could there be any opportunities here?

How would others see things differently then I have been imagining them?

Overgeneralization

Overgeneralization involves taking a single piece of evidence or single isolated cases, and then imposing them on all current or future scenarios. In other words, if something happens to you once then it will probably continue to happen to you over and over again. You might for instance recall one particular incident in your past and as a result you end up making the following statement:

Nothing ever works out for me. I never have any luck. I am doomed to fail…

Here you are justifying how you’re feeling about the present based on one particular incident in the past. This is helpful if you’re using it as a means of learning from past mistakes or experience. However it becomes problematic when you ignore all other instances when things actually did go your way and you ended up succeeding.

Here are some other examples:

You always do this…

Everyone’s always like that…

I never get my way…

Things always end up disastrous for me…

Making these broad conclusions about how things will be in the present based on very little evidence in the past can leave you feeling as though you have no control over your life. You end up feeling helpless and disheartened that your life doesn’t rest in your hands.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to overgeneralize things. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to overgeneralize things?

When do I tend to do this?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does overgeneralizing make me feel?

Why do I tend to overgeneralize things? Do I gain some value from it?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to overgeneralize things throughout your day. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style, it’s important that you get out of the habit of building your entire future around isolated negative events or instances from your past. It’s also helpful to avoid using words such as “always” and “never”. Ask yourself:

Am I being realistic when I’m overgeneralizing things?

What evidence do I have that suggests things will always be this way and not another way?

Just because someone has acted like this before, does it mean that they will always act this way?

How else could things be? What are the possibilities? What have I failed to consider?

What other instances from the past suggest that things could be different then I expect them to be in the present?

Would other people make the same overgeneralizations I am making in this situation? Why? Why not?

What if I overgeneralized things the opposite way? Instead of focusing on one negative, what if I focused on one positive and used this to predict future scenarios?

Shoulding and Musting

This involves using common statements that start with “I should…” or “I must…”. These statements are only unhelpful when you begin putting unreasonable demands and pressures on yourself or others.

These kinds of statements often stem from a list of ironclad rules that you have about yourself and about other people. These rules dictate how you will behave, and how you expect others to behave in different situations. When these rules are violated you end up feeling disappointed and angry.

Thinking that you “should always” get things right, or that you “should always” exercise, or that “you must” not make a mistake can put undue pressure on you to perform to your own personal expectations. And when you don’t reach your expectations you end up feeling disappointed and disheartened. Moreover, you might even end up feeling guilty that you let yourself down.

These kinds of statements can also be used while talking about other people. You might for instance expect that your friend “should” do such-and-such, or that they “must always” keep their promises.

It’s fantastic to have positive expectations about yourself and about others; however are these expectations realistic? And, are they realistic in all situations? Maybe you’re making unreasonable demands. And if you are, then that leaves you open to disappointment, anger and frustration. Moreover, directing these statements at other people can create a lot of resentment and turmoil within your relationships.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to use “shoulding” and “musting”. Ask yourself:

What kinds of “should” and “must” statements do I tend to make?

When do I tend to do this?

What unreasonable demands do I put on myself?

What unreasonable expectations do I put on other people?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does thinking in this way make me feel?

Why do I have these kinds of expectations?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to use “should” and “must” statements throughout your day. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style, it’s important that you continuously question the validity of whether or not you or someone else “should” or “must” do something. Ask yourself:

Does thinking this way help motivate me? Or does it end up deflating me?

How is trying to motivate myself in this way unhelpful?

Does being strict and demanding help motivate others?

Is this the way it is, or do I actually have a choice?

How would other people view this? What would they say?

What if I didn’t do this? What would happen?

What if I chose to do something else instead? What then?

What’s preventing me from doing this now?

What rule says that I must do this?

What rule says that someone else must do this?

Do I make these demands on others as a form of criticism or judgment? Why?

Do I make these demands on some people and not on others? Why?

What if I used the words “I choose to” or “I would prefer to”. How would that change how I think about things?

Why should I do this? What if I didn’t?

Why must I do this? What if I don’t?

Why should they do this? What if they didn’t?

Why must they do this? What if they don’t?

What other options are there?

Labeling

Labeling involves making global statements and/or generalizations about yourself or about others that are based upon behavior in very specific situations. Therefore instead of describing the specific behavior and taking it in isolation, you choose to create labels that are negative and absolute. In such instances, it’s not about the behavior in the moment, it’s rather about making judgments about all future behavior based on what you have just observed. You might for instance catch yourself saying:

I’m such an idiot… Instead of: I made a mistake…

She is so unreliable… Instead of: She let me down today…

He is such a jerk… Instead of: He messed up today…

When you label yourself, you are at that very moment creating a negative and flawed self-image based on your personal errors. This self-image influences your self-esteem, and your self-esteem affects the choices and decisions you make or fail to make. Therefore labeling yourself in negative and limiting ways based on any “one thing” you do, can have a very significant impact on your life. It’s irrational and wrong. You are not “any one” thing you do. Your life is an ever-changing flow of thoughts and emotions that provide you with endless possibilities and opportunities for growth and development.

Labeling yourself or defining others based on one particular instance of their behavior is never helpful because it doesn’t take other instances of this behavior into consideration. You might for instance call yourself “stupid” when you make a mistake. However, this doesn’t mean you are actually “stupid”. You might have a lot of knowledge, have a college degree, and have a very successful career. However, labeling yourself as “stupid” tends to cross all boundaries and filter though to other areas of your life. Let’s say for instance something happens at work, and again you call yourself “stupid”. Then you drop a plate full of food onto your brand new carpet at home, and again you call yourself “stupid”. Then over time something happens. The more you label yourself as being “stupid”, the more you believe it, and the more you believe it, the more “stupid” things you tend to do, and this filters through your entire life.

A single incident doesn’t define who you are. Likewise, a single incident, action, or behavior doesn’t define who other people are. For this reason, it’s important to be very careful of the labels you make throughout your day. Don’t go making unjustified global statements about yourself or others that are based upon specific situations.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to label yourself and other people. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to label myself?

How do I tend to label other people?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does thinking in this way make me feel?

Why do I tend to make these sorts of labels?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to label yourself and other people. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style, it’s important that you get out of the habit of making global statements about behaviors in isolation without taking into consideration the context of the situation or other instances that aren’t congruent with this behavior. Ask yourself:

Is this label true in all situations?

Am I labeling this specific behavior, or am I labeling the whole person? How is this of significance?

What evidence is there that proves that this label is correct?

What evidence is there that disproves this label I just made?

What other situations and/or behaviors disprove this label?

What’s the opposite of the label I am making? How might this be true?

Would other people create the same labels? Why? Why not?

Magnification and Minimization (discounting positives)

This unhelpful thinking style involves magnifying the positive attributes of other people, while at the same time minimizing your own personal attributes. In other words, you are exaggerating your own “negatives” (weaknesses) while at the same time understating your own “positives” (strengths). Likewise, you tend to exaggerate the positive characteristics of other people while understating their negatives. For instance, you might say:

They don’t really mean it. They were just being nice…

Oh, I wouldn’t be able to do what you did once again. I just got lucky…

This is not about ignoring positive attributes or experiences, but rather about turning positives into negatives that affect your state-of-mind in very limiting ways.

Here you have an inability to accept anything positive in your life, and will instead go out of your way to turn these events into something that’s negative and unhelpful. The more you dwell on the negatives, the less you are able to appreciate the good things in your life.

There’s of course nothing wrong with being humble. However, it’s certainly not healthy if you end up turning your own positive experiences into something negative (like in the above examples). Putting yourself down and completely disqualifying your own attributes is not healthy and can significantly affect your self-esteem in the long-run. Continued poor self-esteem can lead to feelings of inadequacy, which can eventually lead down the path to depression.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to magnify and minimize things. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to magnify the positive attributes and experiences of other people?

How do I tend to minimize my own positive attributes and experiences?

How do I twist my own positive attributes and experiences in a negative way?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think this way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does thinking in this way make me feel?

Why do I tend to indulge in this way of thinking?

Your key objective here is to get a clear understanding of how you tend to magnify other people’s attributes while also minimizing your own personal attributes. Awareness is the first step to change.

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style, you will need to begin focusing more on giving yourself the credit and the praise you deserve for your strengths and achievements. Begin by asking yourself:

Why do I feel it’s important to minimize the positives in this situation? Why specifically do I do this?

What are the consequences of this way of thinking about things?

What assumptions am I making about myself, others, or about this situation?

How are my assumptions preventing me from seeing the truth? How is this hurting me?

How could it be of value to magnify the positives of this situation? How would that make me feel?

What if the other person did mean what they said? What evidence is there that proves this is true?

What if I deserved to be complimented? What evidence is there that proves this is true?

What if I deserved the results I attained? What evidence is there that proves this is true?

What if it wasn’t luck but rather a combination of knowledge, experience and talent? Where is the evidence for this?

What if I believed that I was deserving and capable? How would I subsequently magnify things?

Would other people discount the positives in such a way as I do? Why? Why not?

Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning involves making decisions based on how you feel rather than on objective reality. You are therefore basing your view of a situation, yourself, or of others in ways that mirror your feelings. In other words, your current emotional state influences how you perceive a situation despite evidence to the contrary.

You automatically tend to believe that what you’re feeling is the truth. However, it’s only true for you, and the feelings that someone else experiences might be very different. And it’s these differences that determine how you perceive a situation, what decisions you make, and what actions you inevitably take.

You might for instance be feeling guilty, which signifies that you might have done something wrong or hurtful. In another situation you might be feeling overwhelmed and disheartened, which signifies that you are not capable of solving your problems. Or let’s say for instance that you are feeling depressed, which signifies that this is going to be another hopeless day. Or, how about you are just feeling lousy, and therefore you won’t clean your house because it seems too difficult. Or, you’re feeling anxious, and that obviously means that something bad is going to happen.

In these instances, you are “feeling” a certain way, and that means that your life “is” a certain way that matches that particular emotion you are experiencing. You are allowing your emotional experiences and feelings to guide your daily choices and decisions. And this is hurting you because sometimes you might not feel like doing something, however with a little “push” you can certainly motivate yourself to do that “thing”. However, as long as you continue to allow your emotions to dictate your behavior, then you will continue to fall prey to your limiting habitual thinking patterns.

Exploratory Questions

Have a think about your thoughts for a moment and consider how you tend to use emotional reasoning throughout the day. Ask yourself:

How do I tend to make decisions based on my emotions and feelings?

How do I tend to predict the future using emotional reasoning?

How do I tend to make judgments using emotional reasoning?

When do I tend to do this?

How do I think at the time? Why do I think that way?

What do I tend to say to myself?

How does thinking this way make me feel?

Why do I tend to indulge in emotional reasoning?

Solution Oriented Questions

To overcome this unhelpful thinking style, you will need begin consciously distinguishing between an emotion and a fact. Ask yourself:

Am I basing my interpretation of this experience on my emotions or on the facts of the situation?

What are the facts of this situation? What specifically can I see and hear? Why is this important?’

What evidence suggests that the way I’m thinking about this is not accurate?

How are other people interpreting this experience? Are their interpretations based on feeling or fact?

How accurate is it to use emotional reasoning to predict the future? When have I been right? When have I been wrong?

Is it valuable to use emotional reasoning to make judgments about things? About others? About myself?

Given what I now know, have my emotions guided me well? Or have they hurt me?

Challenging Your Unhelpful Thoughts

Within the previous section you challenged each of your unhelpful thoughts individually using a set of specific questions. Within this section we will look at how to challenge all your unhelpful thoughts using one questioning approach that also takes into account limiting beliefs associated with that thought. You can therefore use this process to help you successfully challenge the unhelpful thinking styles that might be prevalent in your life.

As you work through these questions, keep in mind that indulging in unhelpful thinking patterns directly influences the emotions you experience on a daily basis. These emotions likewise influence how you perceive reality. And this likewise influences the choices you make, the behaviors you indulge in, and the actions you take, which ultimately influences the outcomes you are likely to realize in your life. Therefore by continually indulging in unhelpful thinking patterns you are doing nothing but maintaining the status quo. Nothing changes, nothing improves, and your life stagnates. You feel stuck in your old limiting patterns of behavior, and you feel helpless to do anything about it.

To change, you will need to reprogram your brain. And reprogramming your brain means making a conscious effort to break out of all the unhelpful thinking patterns that are currently prevalent in your life. A task of this magnitude requires a shift in thinking. And this shift only comes about when you begin challenging your unhelpful thoughts and their associating beliefs. You must essentially become a detective, which requires an assessment of whether or not your thoughts and beliefs are helpful and aligned with the outcomes that you would like to achieve.

Transforming your thoughts requires identifying all the facts and the evidence that will help you to resolve these unhelpful thinking patterns. Once you have a clear view of the situation, your next step will be to challenge these thoughts as a lawyer would in a courtroom. However, before you even reach that stage, your very first task will be to recognize these unhelpful thinking patterns as they come into conscious awareness.

Recognizing Unhelpful Thoughts

Your unhelpful thoughts are often accompanied by strong and sudden shifts in how you’re feeling. The moment you recognize one of these shifts, immediately try to pinpoint what triggered this feeling. Ask yourself:

What am I feeling at the moment?

What specifically triggered this feeling? Why?

How am I thinking about this situation?

What exactly am I saying to myself?

How is what I’m thinking and saying influencing how I’m feeling?

What underlying limiting beliefs might be causing me to feel this way?

Often accompanying an unhelpful thought and an uncomfortable feeling is a limiting belief that influences your perspective of the situation. When you successfully challenge your unhelpful thought, you effectively weaken the hold that this limiting belief has over your life. To do this, take time to work through the following six step process that will help you to successfully challenge your limiting thought patterns.

Step 1: Understand Your Outcomes

Your very first step is to identify the outcomes that you would like to achieve. Without knowing your outcomes, and without understanding the reasons why you are wanting to achieve these outcomes, you will find it very difficult to make positive and lasting change. Ask yourself:

What specific outcomes would I like to achieve?

Why do I want to achieve these things?

Why specifically do I want to change? [thoughts or beliefs]

What will changing allow me to do?

What will changing allow me to have?

What will changing allow me to experience?

What kind of person would I like to become as a result of making these changes?

Why do I want to become this person? What genuine reasons do I have?

Why do I want to achieve these goals?

Step 2: Unlock Your Motivation

Having now gained some clarity about what it is you want and why you might want it, your next step is to create the necessary motivation you need to follow through with this change. This requires activating the pain and pleasure principle.

First let’s associate some pleasure to making these positive changes in your life. Ask yourself:

What will I gain by making these changes?

What are the benefits of achieving my desired outcomes?

What will achieving this allow me to do?

What are the benefits in the short-term?

What are the benefits in the long-term?

How will all this make me feel?

Now, let’s associate some pain. This is the pain that you will experience if you are unable to successfully make these changes. Ask yourself:

What will I lose by not making these changes?

What are the negative consequences of not achieving my desired outcomes?

What are the short-term consequences of holding onto my unhelpful thoughts?

What are the long-term consequences of holding onto my unhelpful thoughts?

What will I not be able to do, be, have, and experience as a result of not making these changes?

How will all this make me feel?

Having gone through this process, you should now feel more motivated and inspired to take positive action in the direction of your desired outcomes.

Step 3: Do Your Detective Work

It’s now time to gather the necessary facts, proof and evidence that you need to help you build a case against your unhelpful thoughts. Take for instance one of the unhelpful thoughts you identified within the previous section and ask yourself the following set of questions:

What evidence, facts and proof do I have that my thoughts, beliefs, assumptions and/or expectations are true?

How valid are these facts? Do they have any basis in reality? How do I know they are true?

Do I have any evidence that might disprove these thoughts, beliefs and/or assumptions?

Are there any facts or other pieces of evidence that I might have overlooked?

Given my desired outcomes, how realistic are my thoughts, beliefs, assumptions and/or expectations?

How likely am I to achieve my desired outcomes?

Your objective here is to build a case against your unhelpful thoughts. You must collect enough evidence, proof and facts that will effectively disprove the validity of your unhelpful thoughts.

Step 4: Challenge Your Unhelpful Thoughts

Now comes time to challenge your unhelpful thoughts. However, it is important that you remain objective at all times. This is not about what you prefer, or whether or not something is acceptable. It is rather about what makes more sense based on your assessment and evaluation process.

To challenge your thoughts, ask yourself:

How else could I think about this situation? What other possibilities are there?

How might other people think about this situation? What would their perspective be?

How might I view this situation in another context?

How might I view this situation if I was in a different state-of-mind? [experiencing a different emotion]

What’s another way of viewing this situation that I haven’t yet considered?

At the conclusion of this questioning process you should have thrown enough doubt onto your unhelpful thought/belief that it no longer has a stranglehold over your life.

Step 5: Replace Your Unhelpful Thoughts

Your next step is to find a new thought that is more balanced and helpful that will replace your old unhelpful thought. It’s important that this new thought is realistic and aligned with the evidence you highlighted in Step 3 of this process. In other words, your new thought must be based on solid facts and proof that will help support this new way of thinking. In addition to this, your new thought must also be aligned with the outcomes you identified in Step 1 of this process.

To help you identify this new thought, ask yourself:

What’s a new thought I could use that is more helpful and balanced?

Is this new thought consistent with the evidence, facts and proof I identified earlier?

Is this new thought aligned with the outcomes I would like to achieve?

How does this new thought feel? Is it the right thought, or is there something better?

Work back and forth through these questions until the thought you have chosen feels right.

Step 6: Moving Forward

Your final step of this process is to lay down a strong path moving forward towards this desired change. You will for starters need to draw up a plan of action that will help you to clarify in your mind exactly what it is you must do to make these changes. And secondly you will need to ask yourself four scaling questions that will help you figure out whether or not this is the optimal time to make this change.

These four questions are based on your levels of concern, commitment, confidence and motivation. Therefore on a scale of 1 to 10, ask yourself the following set of questions:

Do I have any concerns about making this change?

How committed am I to making this change?

How confident am I that I can make this change successfully?

How motivated am I about making this change?

If you have any concerns about making this change, then you will need to resolve these concerns before moving forward. With the other three questions, you must be at least on an eight out of ten to successfully follow through with this change. You must therefore be fully committed to making this change, which might mean making some difficult sacrifices. You also need to be confident that you can make this change. Without confidence you won’t be decisive enough to follow through with certain actions. And finally, you also need to have the necessary motivation to get you through the difficult moments you are likely to confront along your journey. If you’re lacking in motivation, then you need to find more reasons to make this change. In such cases, it’s helpful to go through the pain and pleasure process once again.

Making these changes will of course take time. These new thoughts must become integrated into your belief systems. For this to happen, you must get into the habit of working with these new thoughts on a daily basis. You must therefore strive to re-train your brain, which will require conscious practice and dedication. Practice of course requires repetition. And repetition requires focus, commitment and motivation.

One way to help you ingrain your new thought-patterns into your psyche is to write down your helpful thoughts on small cards that you carry around in your pocket. That way you will be able to refer to them throughout your day.

Finally, keep in mind that you might very well need to make changes to your life in order to create room for your new helpful thought. This might require changing what you do, or how you do things. It may also require adopting new habits and perspectives. No matter what it is, it has to be congruent with the new thought. Without this congruency you will continuously sabotage yourself by falling back into your old unhelpful thinking patterns.

Working with Core Beliefs

If after going through the process of challenging your unhelpful thoughts, you are still struggling to make positive changes in your life, then this could indicate that you have a set of core beliefs (convictions) that are holding you back. These are often beliefs you have held onto since childhood, which means that they are deeply ingrained into your psyche, and as a result will be very difficult to break.

If this is the case in your situation, then you might find it helpful to work through the following four step process:

Step One

In order to identify your core beliefs, you will need to search for common themes that unlock how you feel about certain things. For instance take the time to conclude the following statements:

I am… [always feeling helpless.] OR [always making mistakes.]
People are… [always out to get me.] OR [always rejecting me.]
The world is… [conspiring against me.] OR [doesn’t give me any opportunity.]
The future is… [bleak and hopeless.] OR [going to be a struggle.]

In the above example you will notice that in brackets I have concluded each of these statements. Looking at these statements you can probably tell that there is a pattern with how I’m thinking about myself, others, the world, and my future. When you do this exercise, it’s these patterns that will provide you with insight into the core beliefs that might be holding you back from making the changes you desire to instigate in your life. And these are the limiting beliefs you must work through in order to eradicate your unhelpful thoughts.

It is recommended that you complete each of these four statements 20 or more times for a total of 80+ statements. This is important because it will help you to identify patterns in your belief structure that might not have been evident before.

Step Two

Now take the patterns you have identified and piece them together into a related theme of statements that appear most problematic. These are the areas you must focus on in order to pinpoint the underlying core beliefs that are preventing you from moving forward.

Step Three

Your next task is to take one of your statements and identify what it really means to you. Do this by asking yourself:

What does that mean?
What does that really mean?
What’s bad about that?
What does that say about me?
What does that mean?

You might for instance take the statement that “People are always rejecting me.” Your answers to these five questions might therefore look something like this:

It means that I am not very good socially…
It means that I am shy…
It’s bad because I don’t have the confidence to talk to people…
This says that I’m afraid of rejection…
It means that I’m inadequate. I believe I’m inadequate and just not good enough… [this is your core belief]

In the above example your core belief came to light after five consecutive questions. Use this only as a guide. It may very well take more questions to unlock your core belief. In such an instance, just keep asking these questions over and over again until you unlock that core belief.

Step Four

Your final step is to challenge this core belief. This requires questioning the validity of this belief. You might for instance ask yourself:

What evidence and proof is there that this belief is true?

What experiences have I had that can prove that this belief isn’t entirely true?

Do I have any proof that this belief is simply a figment of my imagination?

From A to Zinc foods influence your mood

Avocados

The monosaturated (“good”) fats in this heart-healthy fruit not only lower cholesterol but help keep the receptors in the brain sensitive to serotonin, thought to boost mood. These same fats will help lower blood pressure, another key to feeling relaxed.

Beans

Of all the varieties, pinto, garbanzo (chick-peas) and mung are the greatest sources of vitamin B9 (folic acid, or folate). Studies have shown that a body that lacks folic acid has a higherthan- normal level of homocysteine, a condition that’s been linked to bipolar disorder. A cup of each will go a long way, meeting more than 40 percent of your RDA (recommended daily allowance).

Cereals

Keep them fortified and whole grain. Whole grains not only add much-needed fiber to your diet, but break down slowly in the digestive tract, providing a steady stream of glucose to keep blood sugar levels stable for hours; this improves alertness and concentration. As an added bonus, whole grain cereal contains carbohydrates that trigger the release of “ahh”-inducing serotonin. To bolster your morning cereal’s moodenhancing benefits, sprinkle it with walnuts, peanuts or almonds.

Cottage cheese

Not only is a good source of B12 but contains plenty of whey protein, which has been shown to decrease anxiety and irritability. A glass of milk is another way to get a good shot of whey in a hurry.

Fruit All of it is good!

But a few favorites are B6-rich bananas (vitamin B6 is known to build serotonin levels) and energy boosting, vitamin C-packed pineapple (loaded also with manganese and thiamin, which help metabolize body-fueling carbohydrates).

Liver

The liver of most any animal is packed with vitamin B9. Often appearing on the culinary scene as pâté, liver also shows up in sausage (liverwurst). Turkey liver provides the most folate (B9), with a 3-ounce (100g) serving reaching 173 percent of the RDA.

Salmon

Raw, baked, broiled or grilled, salmon is one of the healthiest foods around. The omega-3 that shows up in abundance in salmon has been found to be necessary for healthy bodies and minds. Like mackerel, sardines, anchovies and albacore tuna, salmon also contains protein, for long-lasting energy, and tyrosine, which the body uses to create two mood-stabilizing neurotransmitters, dopamine and norepinephrine. And while helping prevent mood swings, salmon is also good for your heart, keeps blood pressure down, and helps protect against stroke.

Spinach Like mother may have said, eat your greens. It especially pays to eat your dark, leafy greens—“superfoods” of the “superfoods.” Spinach, like turnip greens and collards, is not only plentiful in folic acid, but also full of vitamin C, vitamin E and antioxidants, for overall good health. Raw versions provide the most folate.

Sunflower seeds

Sunflower seeds are one of the best sources of vitamin B9. So eat them as a snack or addition to salads. One handful will give you more than half of your daily folate, as well as magnesium, needs.

Tofu

This once beguiling bean curd is now considered a pure, health-giving food of the times. Made from the curds of soybean milk, tofu is highly nutritious and an important protein source in vegetarian diets. Numerous studies have shown that the soy protein found in tofu can help lower cholesterol, helping to prevent heart disease. It’s also rich in the amino acid tryptophan, thought to be a sleep aid probably due to its ability to increase brain levels of serotonin. Turkey This protein-rich food is also high in zinc. Protein is used by the body for long-lasting energy, while zinc helps build a healthy immune system.

Turkey

is also another good source of tryptophan. Try a sandwich of roasted turkey on whole grain bread —for even more zinc— to get through a long day and the change of seasons.

Walnuts

Perhaps the king of nuts—cholesterol-free, low in fat, and filled with vitamin B6, vitamin E, folate and protein. And if that weren’t good enough, they also boast omega-3 fatty acids and antioxidants. To help keep yourself on an even keel, sprinkle them on oatmeal or a salad.

Thanks to

—–bp Magazine.

5 Ways to Stay Present + Worry-Free

1. Pay attention to thoughts.

More than I should, I let my my mind wander away from the present. Thoughts can become so clear and certain that they seem like fact — even when they are about things that haven’t happened yet. When I realize what I’m thinking, and how now present-minded it is, I can often direct my attention back to the now. The trick is to pay attention to my thoughts, to realize that they’re just that: thoughts. They aren’t necessarily facts and the more I am aware of them, the more likely I am to stay away from thoughts of the past or future and stay focused on the present.

2. Feed the five senses.

I write often about focusing on the five senses because I’ve found them to be one of the best tools we have to bring us back to the now. When I find my mind wandering shamelessly into future or past territory (and I’m aware that it’s happening!), I use my five senses to bring me back to the present. Instead of allowing myself to be governed by my thoughts, I take control of my thinking and ask myself: What do you hear? Taste? Feel? See? Smell? Doing this takes me away from any kind of rumination and reminds me that what matters most is what’s happening right in this moment.

3. Step outside yourself.

One of the reasons I find myself worrying a lot is because I’m often focused on me. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, too much focus on one’s self can lead to a lot of overthinking, worrying, and stress. A great way to avoid this is to find others to focus on. I’ve found that volunteering my time to help others (or even simply asking someone else how his or her day is going and really listening to the answer) helps to take my mind away from the past or future and brings me back into the moment. If you’re not with other people, you can do this simply by thinking (positively) about someone else.

4. Write it (all of it!) down.

Sometimes one of the best ways to get out of your own head is to put all of the stuff that’s in there down on paper. It might seem counter-intuitive to spend time writing about the past or future when one’s trying to stay present, but I’ve found that when I write things down, it’s often like cleaning out the closet of my mind, getting rid of all the thoughts that don’t fit in there anymore. In addition to putting thoughts down on paper, writing about the present moment (and what those five senses are showing me) can be a great get-back-to-the-now exercise.

5. Create a reminder. Being present can be really difficult and sometimes I need a little (or big) nudge to remind myself to stay in the moment. I’ve created all kinds of reminders — sticky notes, desktop backgrounds, alarms on my phone, etc. — and all of them have proved very useful when it comes to remembering to stay in the moment. I’ve given up the notion that I’ll someday be one of those people that just stays present and given in to the idea that I might always need a little reminder. Creating these is simple enough and it’s so helpful when it comes to staying on track.

Staying present has always been a struggle for me (it’s one of the reasons I decided to create Positively Present!), but I know how important it is to living a positive life. When I experience those rare moments when I’m fully present, I feel more alive, more positive, and more creative. When I’m fully present, I feel less stressed, less unhappy, and less frustrated. As difficult as it can be sometimes, I truly believe that being in the moment is worth every ounce of effort because being more present really does lead to being more positive.

Mistakes after doing a mistake

1) Refuse to admit that mistakes had been done

Some people are so egoistic that they will never accept the fact that they had made a mistake. For this type of people, mistakes are signs of weakness and being the egoist that they are, they will never admit to that.

Another type of people who fall into this category is those who were always in denial after a mistake has been made. They are so afraid of making mistakes that they deny the mistake ever happened. These are not the kind of people you want to be around with.

How can we learn from our mistakes if we never actually admit there was one?

2) Try to forget the mistakes

Some mistakes are embarassingly painful. These will usually be buried deep down in our memory with the hope that it will be forgotten. Personally, trying to forget our mistake is a very stupid move. If we forget it, it will be like buying a hideous van and burn it down right away. People will never notice the van but your money spent to buy the van is loss forever. Don’t you value your money?

3) Blame self or others.

This habit has become sort of a built-in habit to everyone. Once a mistake was done, the first thing people will do is to find whose fault it is. It will never serve any function except the illusion that the mistake has been solved. It can be important however to do this if finding the fault will solve the problem.

The worst case scenario is when we are blaming ourselves for the mistake. Once we do this, believe me, there’s no way out. Our mind will use all of its resource to further punish ourselves for the mistake. It will be like a black hole with no way out. Don’t go there.

4) No room for forgiveness.

This is sort of related to point 3. But it is very significant that it deserve its own number. Forgiveness is always the hardest thing to do. We can say anything, read all the books but when your life was screwed up by a person, it will be very hard to forgive him.

That is why, we need to have that room in our heart for forgiveness. Set up this room in our heart. We don’t necessarily need to forgive him right away, but knowing that there’s a room in there for forgiveness will definitely help later on.

5) Justify mistakes

Very similar to point number 1, the person who make this mistake will come up with justification as to why a mistake was made. Remember the girl who cried wolf? She might made a mistake the first time thinking that she saw a wolf. And when the villagers came she made excuses that she was just fooling around. You know how it ended.

Justifying mistakes does not make the mistake go away. It will not help you learn from it either.

6) Refuse to analyze your mistake

Being an engineer, when a problem / mistake occurs in an operation, the first step is always “redefining the problem”. Let say an operator forgot to switch on a pump and ruined the whole operation. I can straight away scold him or give him a warning letter. But this will not solve the problem. If he can forget the first time, the chances are he will forget it again later.

I should study if there were any possibility the pump can be run automatically and thus removing the problem altogether. Or maybe put up a checklist to help the operator remember.

Analyzing mistake is the most important things to do right after a mistake has been made. If not the mistake made will serve no purpose and you will find that your life is just one big boring loop where the same mistake is being repeated everyday

– I wonder –
What’s your biggest shareable mistake in your life?

Think Simply

Have you ever felt mentally blocked from finding a solution to a problem you are facing? Most of us have had this experience, and it can be quite frustrating. Writers call it writer’s block, and the rest of us call it stumped, stymied, confused, etc. Brainstorming is one effective tool for helping to remove the mental roadblock and come up with ideas and solutions.

Brainstorming is a method of generating ideas that allows the brain to think freely and use both sides of the brain to ideally come up with creative solutions to difficult problems. Brainstorming can be used whether you’re sorting out a problem at work, coming up with your next business idea, or resolving a personal relationship issue. Brainstorming can help you hone in on the problem and come up with creative ways to approach it.

Essentials

Define the result. What is it you’d like to accomplish or figure out? Define the issue first, so you know what your target is. Define the problem as a measurable result rather than something vague and generic. Perhaps you want to answer a question, “What would I like to accomplish next year?” and you can define the result as “I want to be doing something that utilizes my graphic design and communications skills. I will feel fully engaged with my project and I will help at least 100 people. What are some projects I can work on?”

Write it down. Brainstorm on paper (or digital device). I’ve found that the moment I write an idea down, not only do I have a record of this idea, but more ideas will start to flow my way.

Suspend judgment. Brainstorming is a free flow of ideas. If you reject certain ideas because they seem improbable or crazy, you may miss something brilliant! Open your mind and let the stream of consciousness release all your thoughts; crazy, nonsensical or otherwise. Treat every idea like a gift, welcome everyone. This is especially when brainstorming in a group, do not shut down any idea, if it doesn’t work, move it on a separate sheet of paper.

Don’t evaluate. At the same time, don’t evaluate the utility of an idea. Brainstorming is the stage where you come up with ideas. Evaluation happens later on. If you evaluate now, you slow down the process and block yourself from creativity.

Go wild. The sky’s the limit, when it comes to brainstorming. The key is to come up with a wide range of ideas and solutions. Don’t limit your thoughts, no matter how crazy they sound. Each idea is a potential partial solution to your problem.

Be playful. Make it fun. Brainstorming should not be tedious, boring, or too serious. Ideas flow better when you make it light-hearted and fun.

Methods for Effective Brainstorming

There are several ways and techniques to approach brainstorming. But no matter how you do it, you’ll probably get some surprising results. When I try too hard to come up with ideas, I generally tank. But when I allow my mind to do its own thing, the result is often magical. Here are a few of the brainstorming techniques to try:

1. Free-writing – This simple technique involves putting a pen to paper for a certain amount of time (usually 15 minutes), and writing nonstop until the time is up. The key is to continuously write whatever that comes out of your head without editing. At the end of the writing period, you may have written a few things like, “I don’t know what to write.” But by writing continuously without editing, you free yourself from your inner critic. You may come up with a brilliant idea or solution you hadn’t thought of before.

2. Listing – With this technique, you simply write down words, phrases, and ideas as they come to you, usually in list or bulleted form. The advantage of the list is that it is simple and it works for getting your thoughts written down.

3. Mindmapping – To mindmap, you simply write the main topic or problem in the middle of a page, and then quickly fill in the rest of the space on the page with ideas, topics, and words associated with the main idea. Once you’ve done that, simply draw lines between the ideas that are connected with each other. This technique is great for seeing patterns and links between ideas.

4. List of 100 –

Litemind recently mentioned this technique on their blog. All you do is come up with 100 different ideas and solutions, but you must do it quickly. Because it’s a ridiculously high number of ideas, your mind is forced to quickly get creative.

5. Solve the opposite problem – One technique to get us out of feeling stuck when trying to solve a problem is to solve the opposite problem. Take each idea from solving the opposite problem, flip it and it’ll become an idea for the original problem. For example, we are trying to brainstorm for “The best cell phone design”, an idea for the opposite problem “The worst cell phone design” can be “impossible to program address book”. Now flipping the idea gives us “incredibly easy and intuitive to add new contacts into the address book”.

6. Build on existing ideas – Take existing ideas that have worked and add to them or mold them to fit the new problem. Building on top of successful solutions can help you come up with new, and often improved ideas. Using this technique keeps you from the blank page syndrome; staring at the blank page thinking you can’t give an idea because there are none in front of you. The existing solution gives a base and focus to your brainstorming.

Tips for Effective Brainstorming

1. Set a time limit. The idea behind this suggestion is that by giving yourself a deadline, you are forced to quickly come up with ideas.

2. Relaxed environment. Create an environment where you are at ease, peaceful and creative. Where do you feel at ease? A local café? Sitting in your living room? For me, I work best when sitting at my dining table, surrounded by candles.

3. “Just Do It“. Dive in without thinking anymore of I can’t and just do. When I write articles for this blog, my initial reaction when facing a blank page is always, crap, I don’t know what to write. My trick is to just start writing anything that comes to mind without worrying about structure or formality. After several minutes or paragraphs, I’ll start to see the article idea take shape. Once I have a better idea of my topic and its main points, I go back to the beginning and start to write the article.

4. Word association. Allow yourself to come up with as many word associations as you can. You may be amazed to find that your mind can bring seemingly unconnected ideas together in interesting ways.

5.Capture ideas

Some techniques require you to capture your ideas in some way, and others do not. If you want to make sure you remember all the ideas, you can use paper, a blackboard or whiteboard, or your computer. I recommend pen and paper for its simplicity and low barrier to entry.

6. Bounce ideas. I’ve found it effective to bounce ideas with another like-minded person, or even brainstorming as a group with other people using above methods. Sometimes when two heads are working together, you result with synergetic ideas (better than what you could have come up with separately).

7. Get the Blood Flowing. When I’m at my table brainstorming, I like to be standing up. I sometimes dance to up-beat music because it brings me fully into this moment. When I’m sitting, I tend to relax easily which makes me tired and sleepy. When I’m standing and moving, my heart is pumping and blood is flowing, and this gives me energy for brainstorming.

Handle difficult people

How to Handle Difficult People

A bully at your work is difficult for you to face. He is demanding you do part of his job without pay or credit. How do you handle it?

Your neighbors are constantly fighting. They wake you up in the middle of the night with their screams and curses. What do you say to them?

Your father is unhappy about your career choice. He constantly criticizes your work and points out what he thinks you should do. How do you deal with him?

Difficult situations are part of everyone’s life. Employers and employees can’t get along. Partners clash over money. Spouses cannot resolve disagreements.

If you ignore these situations, they always get worse. Employees get fired, partnerships and marriages break up, everyone is miserable.

Waiting and worrying, the most common “solution,” also allows the problem to get worse while giving you stress and shortening your life span.

If you attack the person, at least you are trying to fix the problem. But attacks, rage or irrational anger gives you a bad name, makes people afraid of you and reduces honest communication.

Disconnecting from the problem or from the person is not always wise or practical. Losing employees, supporters and friends because you needlessly disassociate from them may reduce your stress, but you might also become lonely and poor.

The Best Solution Is to Confront and Handle People

“The ability to stand up to and confront and handle whatever comes the way of the organization depends utterly on the ability of the individuals of the organization to stand up to, confront and handle what comes the individual’s way.”

You are in control of your life. You not only conquer the opposition, you conquer your fear. Few accomplishments are more satisfying than confronting someone who is difficult to face and handling the conflict.

How to Confront and Handle Someone

By getting organized and working out a plan of action, confronting and handling people becomes much easier. The key is your preparation.

“THE SUCCESS OF ANY EVENT IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE TIMELY PREPARATION.” — L. Ron Hubbard

Follow these seven steps to prepare yourself for dealing with the difficult people in your life.

1. Make the decision to face up to the person directly and by yourself.

2. Write down the exact problem you need to handle and your goal for the confrontation.

Examples of problems to be confronted that you might write down:

“Joe is refusing to pay me despite our agreement.”

“Chris is hurting office morale and causing me stress with her continual complaining.”

“Bob is supposedly telling people that my work is inferior and I am dishonest.”

Once you specifically name or identify the problem, write down a goal for the meeting. “By the end of the meeting, I want . . . .”

Examples of goals or objectives you might want as a result of a confrontation:

“J pays me in full.”

“C stops complaining or leaves.”

In some cases, your objective may also state:

“Figure out if I want this person as a partner/employee/boss/friend.”

3. Write down a Plan or List of Points You Need to Make to Support Your Goal: Facts, Reasons and explanations you may need the other person to understand. List the points in order of priority or importance.

For example, to get Joe to understand why he must pay you, you might make these points:

A. J requested the service.

B. J signed an agreement to pay for the service.

C. We provided the service as promised.

D. J was happy with the service.

E. Etc.

4. Write down objections, reactions or disagreements the other person may have. Include everything you are afraid might happen during the meeting. Putting specific concerns and fears in writing reduces their impact on you.

For each objection, reaction or disagreement you expect will happen, write a solution of how you will deal with each.

5. Organize your notes and gather supportive documents.

6. Arrange the meeting where you will not be disturbed, preferably in a space you control.

7. Start the meeting.

A. Look the person directly in the eye.

B. Explain the specific problem you want to resolve as you noted in Step 2.

C. Go over your first point on the list from Step 3.

D. Listen carefully to the other person and make certain they feel understood.

E. Hold a position on your points.

F. Use your solutions to their reactions as you worked out in Step 4.

G. Continue describing your points and listening to the person’s side.

H. Do not give up. Communicate and persist for as long as it takes to reach your goal.

The more frequently you confront and handle difficult people, the easier it becomes. The amount of time it takes to prepare for a confrontation decreases. You become strong and tough.

When you confront and handle everyone around you, people respect you for your courage, your honesty and your control. Your associates, employees or coworkers follow your example and become more productive. Your enemies either become harmless or become friends.

Taking positive organized action, despite fear, is the kind of courage all successful people must have to succeed.

Make More Control

How to Take More Control

Like money or nuclear power, control can be used for good or evil. You can use it to harm, suppress or destroy lives.

Or you can use it to help people, increase your income and improve the world around you.

Negative, destructive control gives control a bad name.

Yet positive, constructive control is essential to successful living.

No control over your job, family or life leads to failure.

When you are not in control of your sphere of operation, you feel stress, fear and frustration.

When you are in control, you make progress, enjoy your work and achieve success.

Taking better control of yourself, your time, career, business, equipment, computers, marriage, family, personal property, bad habits and so on, is much easier when you understand and apply these five facts about control.

1. Control is the biggest difference between success and failure.

2. Control consists of three parts: Start, Change and Stop.

3. Your control problems are based on your weaknesses with starting or changing or stopping.

4. If you try to control people or things outside your sphere of operation, you fail.

5. To succeed, you must let others control you.

In this first of five articles, we cover the first fact.

1. Control Is the Difference Between Success and Failure

“What is control?

“Whether one handles a machine of the size of a car or as small as a typewriter or even an accounting pen, one is faced with the problems of control. An object is of no use to anyone if it cannot be controlled. Just as a dancer must be able to control his body, so must a worker in an office or a factory be able to control his body, the machines of his work and, to some degree, the environment around him.

“The primary difference between ‘the worker’ in an office or a factory and an executive is that the executive controls minds, bodies and the placement of communications, raw materials and products, the worker controls, in the main, his immediate tools.”

Consider two different restaurant owners.

S owns an Italian restaurant and Kate owns a French restaurant. S loves to chat with customers while Kate loves to improve her operations.

S hires an accountant to handle his bookkeeping while Kate stays late to figure out how to do her own books. Steve hires an attorney to write the employee policies and keep him out of legal trouble.

K goes to a labor law seminar, writes her own employee policies and has a lawyer check it over.

S believes his personality will keep people coming back while Kate decides good food and well-trained servers will keep people coming back.

S has no idea how to cook, clean the kitchen or balance the books. He can only hire experienced people to do these jobs. He must bend over backwards to keep them on the job, despite their bad attitudes.

K and her cooks invent their own recipes and keep them in a book.

K establishes checklists for the staff for setting up tables, cleaning and so on. She also enjoys training inexperienced cooks, servers and other staff.

Who is in better control? Who is making a better profit? If Steve’s top people quit working for him, what will happen to his restaurant? If Kate’s top people quit, what will happen to her restaurant?

Another Example

Two medical transcribers,

J and S , are hired by a large hospital on the same day. They are expected to type medical reports explaining the patients’ treatment so the hospital can collect its fee from insurance companies.

J decides to be a robot and simply type whatever is in front of her. One day, her computer goes down.

She calls the technician and paints her fingernails until the computer is fixed. She has no idea what she is typing as she cannot understand the medical terms. She decides to just pretend it is a foreign language. She types every word placed in front of her without using the computer shortcuts. She produces 20 reports per day.

S wants more control of her position. As well as typing the reports, she learns about the computer.

She reads the help screens to learn shortcuts in the program.

She learns to copy and paste large sections of text and other time-saving actions.

She produces 30 reports per day.

When the computer goes down, S carefully watches the technician and asks questions so she knows what to do next time.

Sue finds a medical dictionary in the storage room and starts to look up the terms in her reports. She buys lunch for a nurse so she can ask about medical procedures.

She even listens to tapes about insurance code rules.

Who is in better control of her job? Of her career?

One day, J types a report about a one-year-old receiving treatment for Alzheimer’s disease.

She types it exactly and sends it to the insurance company.

That same day, S is typing a report for a eighty-year-old man’s immunization shot for chicken pox.

She knows this is a mistake and sends it back to the nurse.

The nurse realizes the patient names were switched.

Another day, Jill’s computer goes down. She learns the computer technician is unavailable and asks to go home. Sue overhears the request and offers to fix the computer, which she does.

Who is the more valuable employee? Who should get the next promotion? If business slows down, who will keep her job?

Certain symptoms show how well you control your job.

10 Signs You Are Not in Control of Your Work

Easily fatigued or exhausted
Work area is messy and disorganized
Job is not interesting
Easily stressed
Need constant help
See no way to improve performance
Easily confused by others while on the job
Frequently think of quitting
Frantically react to emergencies
You cannot conceive of greater productivity

10 Signs You Are in Control of Your Work

Energized, motivated
Work area is neat and organized
Work is interesting and enjoyable
Feel challenged, not stressed
Effectively supervise self
Constantly looking for ways to improve
Rarely confused while on the job
Frequently thinking of more responsibility
Rationally respond to emergencies
You have good ideas for increasing productivity

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being in full control, how well do you control of your job? Your home life? Your possessions? Your personal habits? Your success?

Recommendations

1. Make a list of all your duties, responsibilities and areas of your life.

2. Rate your control of each on a scale of 1 to 10.

3. Work out a plan to take a little more control of each.

Can you laugh like a child

How to Laugh about Anything

If you cannot laugh, you are in trouble. Life is not fun for you. You take things too seriously and build stress.

If you cannot laugh, you set a negative example for others. People tend to dislike you. No one wants to help you get ahead.

If you cannot laugh, you may not sleep well. You need drugs or alcohol to feel good. You have health problems.

Fortunately, you can learn to laugh.

Benefits of Laughter

* Laughter strengthens the Immune System.

* Laughter stimulates heart and blood circulation better than other aerobic exercises.

* Laughing provides a good massage to internal organs. It enhances blood supply and organ efficiency, especially with intestines.

* Laughter increases the levels of the pain killer endorphin.

* Younger appearance. Laughter tones facial muscles and improves facial expressions. When you laugh, your face becomes red due to an increase in blood supply. Laughing people look more cheerful and attractive.

An average four-year-old laughs 400 times per day while “solid-citizen” adults average 15 laughs per day. Ideally, you laugh every five minutes (200 times per day).

A New Laughter Tip

Another way to find joy and laughter in life is to make your problems MORE serious!

“The mechanism* is to make it more and more and more serious until it becomes ridiculous and the person will explode the whole thing off in laughter.”

You exaggerate your troubles or expand your complaints to such hilarious levels that you and others end up laughing.

Comics get laughs when they make things extra serious.

For example, you go into a bank to cash a check. The bank teller looks at you suspiciously and says, “May I see two forms of ID please?”

You say, “Sure. Here’s my driver’s license and my credit card.”

The bank teller clerk examines your cards without comment. She seems unhappy and very serious.

So you pull out more cards and say, “And here’s my library card, BlockBuster video rental card, Star Trek Junior Cadet Club card and my Yo-Yo Association card. My name is on all of them.”

The teller tries, but can’t stop laughing.

A serious waitress brings your food and says, “Be careful. The plate is very hot.”

So you grab the plate, jerk your hand back and say, “Oh Man! I burned myself!!”

The waitress realizes you are exaggerating and laughs.
More Ways to Make Things More Serious

Do all you can to be a poor victim.

Feel really sorry for yourself.

Boost your feelings of self-pity to new levels.

Make yourself sob, even cry. Be as serious as possible until you feel ridiculous. If you aren’t laughing, bawl as loud as you can, just like Lucy Ricardo on her television show, I Love Lucy.

Repeat each time you start to feel sorry for yourself.

If you feel serious and stressed, act EXTREMELY stressed out. Pretend to have a heart attack. Fall on the floor. Give an Academy Award performance.

If someone gives you some alarming news, grab your collar or tie, stick out your tongue and pretend to hang yourself.

Pretend the world has come to an end until you and the other person laugh. If you are a manager or parent, do this with serious employees and serious kids.

Personal Power

Personal Power Tip

The greater your personal power, the greater your success. How can you increase your personal power

“Power is contained in the ability to maintain a position in space. Maintain your position in space otherwise you will lose your power.” —

Try this demonstration:

Put a coin on your desk.

Move it around with the tip of your finger.

Now, with the thumb on your left hand, firmly press down on the object.

Make it hold a position.

Try to move it around with a finger on your right hand.

Because the coin holds its position, it has power.

You can do the same thing.

Holding a position on a principle is very important for your personal power.

For example, someone at your job says, “Will you tell the boss I met my quota so I can get a bonus?” You say, “No, sorry, I can’t lie for you.” No matter what the person tries to make you lie, you hold a position. You are using your power.

Do you remember a time when you held a position on something that was important to you? But then someone convinced you to change your mind? How did you feel?

Do you remember another time when you held a position on something important? No matter what anyone said, you stuck to your idea? How did you feel?

Three More Examples

1. J is happily married to L and works with L on several important goals. One day, J runs into his ex-girlfriend from college.

She tells J, “You know, I sure miss you! Let’s go to my apartment for some wine and have a chat, okay?”

J has plenty of personal power and holds a position on what he knows is right.

He says, “Okay, but let’s pick up my wife on the way because she would love to meet you.”

2. You decide to stop smoking.

After the first day, your body seems to be screaming, “Get me a cigarette!” You hold a position and refuse. During the second day, your body seems to say, “I will die if I don’t have a smoke.” You hold a position and eat a carrot. Soon, your body’s addiction gives up and you are a nonsmoker.

3. You need to write a report for your boss and need it the next morning.

Most of the report is in your laptop and you decide to finish it at home. After you eat dinner, you get out your laptop, but it won’t start. You try everything you know to get it working with no success. You call for tech support, but learn the computer company is closed for the night. You call your friend who says, “Sorry, I can’t help you. I’m sure your boss will understand why you can’t write it.”

You decide to hold a position regarding the report. You decide to make it go right. You pull out a writing pad and start to write. At midnight, your spouse says, “I’m sure your boss will understand if you don’t finish the report. Come to bed!” You feel really tired and decide to climb into bed.

After a few minutes, you decide to hold a position regarding the report. So despite feeling tired and having a bad laptop, you get up and continue handwriting the report. At 5 AM, you finish the first version. You think, “My boss will understand that it looks sloppy.”

Yet once again, you decide to hold a position. You remember you are a professional.

So you get dressed and arrive at the office an hour early. You use a computer to type up the report. By 8 AM, the report is done and it is perfect. Your boss is thrilled. You feel powerful.

Maintaining Your Power

When you hold a position on a constructive, beneficial position, you soon get respect and support. The people around you realize you have good intentions and that you usually do the right thing. They learn to trust you and do not oppose you.

For example, a friend says, “Don’t tell the store you dropped the television. Tell them it didn’t work in the first place.”

You say, “No, I’ll tell the truth and try to work something out.”

Later, your friend says, “Will you help me with my investments? I know I can trust you.”

When an antisocial person holds a position on destructive or evil positions, he or she eventually fails. Most people in this world prefer good intentions. Sooner or later, they learn who has bad intentions and withdraw support or fight back.

For example, every night after a work, a coworker says, “Let’s have some fun and all go get drunk!” At first, a few people go with him, but they soon discover he is an alcoholic and gets mean when he’s drunk. No matter how often he holds a position and demands that people go with him, he ends up drinking alone.

Holding a position to destroy something good, hurt others or prove others are wrong is a poor use of your personal power. You lose respect, trust and support.

Management

As a manager, you often make decisions for the good of the group. If you know what you are doing, you make the right decisions. But being right does not mean your group members will do what you ask them to do.

You often need some personal power to back it up. The better you can hold your position on what you know is right, the greater your success.

For example, you say to your computer technician, “Bill, will you back up the computer files now?”

Bill says, “After I go to the bathroom and have lunch and meet with Marge. I’ll try to do it.”

As a good manager, you look Bill in the eye and you say, “Bill, this is very important. You need to make the backup right now.” Bill realizes you are not flexible on this and does what you say. You stay in charge.

Recommendations

1. Write down situations you should hold a position in space. When do you let people push you around?

When should you say, “No” or “Yes” but you back down? Perhaps you need to hold a position against a habit or temptation?

2. Select an easy item on the list that will benefit you and others if you hold a position on it.

Write down how you will hold your ground.

3. Do it! Hold a position on this thing as soon as possible.

Notice how you feel.

4. Continue to strengthen your personal power by holding your position in space on tougher and tougher situations, especially those positions that help you and others succeed.

If you do these steps, you will become more powerful than ever before.

The Power of Your Imagination

If you were locked up in prison for ten years, how would you survive?

If you feel locked in a bad marriage, bad job or bad living arrangement, it might seem like you are in prison.

The stress and depression can be unbearable.

Even waiting in long lines, traffic jams or boring meetings can feel like jail.

Luckily, you have the mental ability to improve your mood in any situation.

“Imagination is a good thing, not a bad thing. With daydreaming, for instance, a person can convert a not-too-pleasant existence into something livable.” —

Instead of feeling frustrated while sitting in a traffic jam, have a daydream about your next vacation. You can lay in your hospital bed for hours, with nothing to do, and enjoy a daydream about a shopping trip. You can spend an entire day in a jail cell while imagining a day at the beach.

Your imagination reduces your stress and lightens your mood. Instead of enduring life, you enjoy it. You control the dream; the dream does not control you.

Imagination is so powerful, it can do much more than make bad conditions more bearable.

“Imagination could be classified as the ability to create or forecast a future or to create, change or destroy a present or past.” — L. Ron Hubbard

Destroy a Past

After being married to Bill for 10 years, Julie has an brief affair with an old boyfriend. She breaks off the affair and tells her husband Bill what she did.

One year later, Bill tells his friend, “I’ve tried, but I just can’t forgive her. I want us to have a wonderful marriage, but all I can think about is her in a motel bed with her boyfriend.”

Bill’s friend, who knows the power of imagination, says, “Use your imagination to fix this. Imagine she never had the affair.”

Bill does this. “Okay. Julie never even saw this guy. It never happened. She was shopping.” He closes his eyes and puts his imagination to work. A few minutes later, he says, “Fantastic! I feel better about this. I even think I can forgive her now.”

Of course, Bill knows Julie was unfaithful, but the past incident no longer ruins his marriage. He used his imagination to destroy the affair.

Change the Present

Liza works for a nasty, mean boss. “Liza! I told you to clean my bathroom first. Get to work you stupid cow!” She feels like crying whenever he yells at her.

Liza uses her imagination to change the present. “I’m going to imagine my boss is only five years old and I let him think he’s really important.”

Now, when the boss yells at Liza, she feels like smiling at his tantrum. Liza uses her imagination to change the present.

Create a Future

Three years after graduating from high school, Charles is still broke. “I work hard at my job at ABC Computers, but I just can’t get ahead. I don’t want to fix computers for the rest of my life.”

Charles uses his imagination to create a future. “I will create a new website that millions of people will pay to use. It will be inexpensive for the user, but make me wealthy.”

He daydreams about his new website every day.

He thinks of several new ideas.

He imagines how each website would work.

Using his imagination, he even solves all the problems that may occur with his future website business.

Charles arranges to get transferred to the ABC Computers website design team. When his new boss recognizes his creativity, she gives him exciting new projects. Charles enjoys his new work a great deal. His pay doubles within a few months.

Charles keeps imagining his own website business and works on it at home every night.

Charles used his imagination to change his future.

Three More Ways to Use Your Imagination

1. Successful business owners are constantly imagining how they can give a better service or produce a better product. They turn these imagined improvements into reality.

As a worker, a great way to increase your income is to do the same. Use your imagination to see how you can make your work more valuable.

2. Use your imagination to feel happier. Mentally see yourself smiling and feeling good. Try it right now. Imagine you will feel energized and happy in 60 seconds.

3. Use your imagination to change any condition you dislike with your body. For example, if you are ill, imagine the disease slowly dissolving.

If you have a fat butt that you don’t like, imagine it becoming skinny. If you dislike your bald head, imagine it full of hair. If you wish you were shorter or taller, use your imagination to raise or lower your height.

Don’t be surprised if your body changes a bit!

seclusion guidlines

You can find here the seclusion criteria in PDF file , how ,why,when to manage an aggressive or excited patient by seclusion.

seclusion-guidelines-feb10

Make Your Family Business , Work For Yourself

Understanding

Working in a Family Business

Imagine this scenario: it’s Monday morning, and you arrive at the office early to get started on your week. You need to put in extra hours to make up for your sales partner, A, who hasn’t been working very hard lately.

In most companies, you could simply complain to your boss. After all, partners should work equally hard – so if Jack isn’t doing his share, then your boss should know, right?

The problem is that you don’t work for a “normal” company. You work for a family business, and Jack is your boss’s son. That makes things a bit more complicated, especially because you know that your boss doesn’t like to hear negative things about Jack.

So, what do you do? How do you handle difficult situations involving family members in a family-run company?

In this article, we review the pros and cons of working in a family business – both for family members and for ‘outsiders’ – and we discuss some strategies for creating and managing successful working relationships in a family-business environment.

Issues for Family Members

If you work in your family’s business, you probably already know that it can be a complex environment.

Here’s an example: Imagine that your mom owns the company you work for. You’re heading the advertising department and have a unique, innovative idea for the next marketing campaign.

When you pitch the idea to your mom, however, she’s less than enthusiastic. And instead of bringing up impersonal, practical reasons for not going along with your idea, she brings up mistakes you made years ago, before you even started working for the company.

In a family company, there’s often no such thing as a “fresh start”.

Like everything in life, working with your family has its pros and cons:

Pros

You’re collaborating with people you trust and care about. This can be a very nurturing environment, and it can give all family members more self-confidence.
The work environment may be more relaxed. For example, it may not be an issue if you occasionally arrive late or leave early, which it may be in a traditional corporate culture where ‘flexi-working’ isn’t built into your contract.
Family members usually understand that they’re all in this together, and are working toward a common goal. They may be much more willing to make financial sacrifices for the company, if things get tough.

Cons

Working with family members may sometimes lead to conflict. Because you know your colleagues so well, it’s easy to think you know what they want, or how they’re feeling. These emotional ties can cause problems in the workplace.
Family members are often promoted even if they’re not an ideal fit for a new position. This can lead to business problems, as well as angry and resentful non-family staff, who may have been denied the promotion.
Personal issues are easily carried into the work environment, and work issues may be carried back into home life. This may lead to family problems that impact the company and the other workers.
Because family members often have the same background and upbringing, the danger for groupthink and resistance to change is very high, especially if an older family member is running the company.
Family members may find it hard to take tough business decisions that will have a negative impact on another family member, or give them negative feedback about their performance when appropriate.

Issues for Non-Family Members

If you work for a family business, and you’re an “outsider” – not a member of the family circle – then your position can be challenging.

For instance, you’ve been at a family-run company for almost five years. And yet, you’ve never had any kind of performance review. You’re not sure if the work you’re doing could be improved, or even if the owner has an opinion on the changes you’ve implemented in the company. You’d like more responsibilities, but it doesn’t seem like there’s any kind of procedure in place for reviews or promotions.

Should you proactively ask for a review, or will this be considered too meddlesome since you’re “outside the family”?

As an outsider looking in, it can be hard to know what to do. But, working for a family business has its ups and downs too. Just like the family members who are in the know, there are several pros and cons here:

Pros

A family-run company may have a more relaxed environment, as we said above, and this can be pleasant for non-family members too. Some companies may treat all of their staff like family, which can create a wonderful personal work environment.
It can be easier to make big decisions in a family-run company. Instead of having to wade through multiple layers of bureaucracy, which are common in larger organizations, family-run businesses are often more flexible. If you need approval for a project, you’re more likely to get a quick decision.
When a family runs a company, the desire to keep things profitable and stable for future generations is usually very strong. This is good news if you’re looking for a safe, secure job.

Cons

It’s easy to feel excluded, especially if family members discuss business or hold meetings at home, or outside of work hours.
Earning a promotion may be difficult, especially if the choice is between you and someone from the family. Very often, family loyalty is likely to impact the decision.
If you attempt to make changes that in your view will improve the way the company works, you may face resistance by family members. They may see your actions as harmful, and they may do whatever they can to preserve their traditions, and keep everything the same.

Strategies for Success in a Family Business

Whether you’re an outsider, or part of the ‘ruling family,’ you can use several strategies to succeed in this environment.

Family Members

Establish boundaries – Create a ‘best practices contract,’ and make sure every family member working in the company has a copy. For instance, it’s easy to take work home, and talk about business on nights and weekends. This connection between your work life and home life can cause stress, and you may feel as though you never have any time off from the business. Make sure work stays at work, and keep home time separate.
When it comes to making tough decisions or issuing reprimands against another family member, managers need to remind themselves and their relative that they’re acting for the long-term good of the business because they’re at work, and what they’re asking for in no way reflects what they think of the other person as a cousin, sister or daughter.
Define roles – Clearly define everyone’s roles, and how they fit within the company hierarchy. For example, if you assign your aunt a project, she may push it aside because (a) you’re her niece,

and (b) you’re much younger than she is. This is not only frustrating, but it can be very bad for the company’s productivity and success. Identifying lines of authority can help prevent this type of conflict.

Reward fairly – Problems often arise when there’s an unfair distribution of rewards between family and non-family staff. For instance, family members may receive higher bonuses than non-family workers. Reward all team members based on competence and achievements, not personal relationships.
Promote fairly – Ensure that non-family staff have the same chances for advancement as your family members. If the rest of your team believes they can’t move up in your company, they’re probably going to leave. You don’t want to lose that talent and knowledge.

Non-Family Members

Don’t take sides – If family members are having a disagreement, you might be expected to support one side or the other. Aim to stay neutral. Listen to their problems, but don’t get involved, or try to solve anything between them – there’s often more going on than you can see. If things get really difficult, you may consider booking some time out of the office.
Understand your position – If you dream of one day becoming the CEO, then you should probably start looking for a job somewhere else. The chances of a non-family member heading the company are probably small, at best. Examine your professional goals and your work environment. If the two are aligned, then you’re likely be feel happier, and have less conflict in your career.

Be More Organised , Be Paperless!

Benefits of a Paperless Office

There are many benefits with a paperless office, beyond simply having less paper to deal with. While you’re unlikely to have a completely paper-free office, electronic communication and other systems can eliminate much of it. Let’s take a closer look at how this has benefited some businesses:

Reduced costs and quicker access to information. Being paperless saves the company about $100,000 per year on printing, mailing, paper and storage space, reports Alina Uzilov, the company’s president. And because employees can access electronic documents more quickly than paper, they can almost instantly respond to customer questions or make their changes
More space. When he got ready to switch locations after making his office paperless, real estate broker Ed Branson of Branson’s California Property noticed that he didn’t even have half as many file cabinets as before going paperless. Many doctors’ offices are transitioning to electronic medical records.
Document security and easy information sharing. Switching to an electronic document management system reduced chart filing and finding time — and improved security of patient information. Password protection at different levels limits the access that office staff have to the information. Kung can also send electronic copies of patient records to physicians anywhere in the world
Ability to handle company growth. Transervice Logistics in Lake Success, N.Y., helps companies manage their delivery systems. The human resources staff found they had more than 30,000 pieces of paper to track and store in their 1,000 employee records. With that information now stored electronically, the department was able to handle the addition of 500 employees (potentially 15,000 more pieces of paper) without needing additional space.
Access anywhere and electronic prescriptions. South Shore Skin Care Center, near Boston, has switched to an electronic medical records (EMR) system from paper patient charts. With the EMR, doctors can access patient information from anywhere at any time. They can also send electronic prescriptions directly to pharmacies
Less paper in. A company plans to accept paper faxes from customers. However, the company uses electronic faxing to intercept those faxes, turn them into electronic documents and keep them from coming into the company as paper.
Less temporary paper. A patient who arrives for an appointment types his or her name in a waiting room computer and puts a finger on a biometric reader. Their arrival is then posted on the office computers, color coded to show an early, on-time or late arrival
8. Less paper out. turns the return into a PDF document that he gives the client on a rewriteable CD. The next year, the client brings back the CD to have another year’s return added

Taken one step at a time, moving toward a more paperless office doesn’t have to be difficult.

Transitioning to a Paperless Office

If you’re considering the transition to a paperless office — or at least a more paperless office, you may be wondering where to start and what you’ll need. Many companies offer document management systems, hardware, software and consulting services to help improve electronic communication on the road to having no paper. We’ll look at some of those later in this article. For now, let’s explore the process.

Here are some decisions for you to consider before you start the transition to a more paperless office:

How much of your paper do you want to convert? How far back do you want to go in converting paper files?
How will you handle the paper that still comes in from vendors, partners or customers? Or, that you can’t convert, like legal or tax-related documents?
How expensive is new equipment or software, or both, and how does that fit your budget?
What’s your proposed process for going paperless and your time frame?
How will you inform staff and get them to buy into the process so they accept the changes you want and don’t slide back into heavy paper use?
How much help do you need from outside? (This could be a consultant to manage the conversion process, a vendor for new equipment and software, a firm to do actual data conversion, a hosting service to move electronic files off site, security experts, or employee trainers.)
How will you handle paper reduction on an ongoing basis? For instance, whose job will it be to scan and electronically file incoming paper?

Based on recommendations from experts and companies who have gone through the process, here are some basic steps for the transition process.

Commit to going to a paperless office, and convince staff to go along with it by explaining the advantages for each of them individually, and as a group, and involving them in the process.
Check your existing computer hardware to make sure it’s robust enough to handle added applications and file storage. Make sure you have a reliable backup system for all the files you will be adding.
Analyze what you need and plan to accomplish. Think about what you’re likely to need in the future with a growing business, as well as now. Think about which documents need to be accessed often or quickly, which need extra security, and which could be weeded out after a certain time.
Develop a transition plan and a timetable.
Start small with just a single department or area of our business so you can address any problems before broadening your scope.
Research the available tools to help you (document management systems, electronic faxing, scanners, data backup systems, security systems, document conversion companies, process consultants).
Select and arrange to buy the tools you plan to use. For software, consider fit with your needs, ease of use and implementation, cost, and integration with your existing systems. And don’t neglect backup needs to keep electronic data from being lost.
Do a small test project; make any needed changes; and then move to the transition in your first department.
Develop a plan for ongoing company-wide use. Include a document storage plan for employees with specific guidelines.
Gradually take your paperless transition through the company.

Managing Digital Documents

Digital documents, like paper, need to be stored so they can be retrieved and used as needed. For a paperless office — or more likely, a near paperless one — you’ll need a way to turn paper documents into digital, or electronic documents.

That type of communication transformation is handled by a document imaging system. Since not having paper is unlikely, you’ll probably find an ongoing need to turn paper into electronic files. A document management system usually goes beyond that transformation to deal with all documents — computer generated, as well as those that are faxed, scanned or e-mailed.

The basic document imaging system consists of a scanner and software that allows paper documents to be scanned, converted to electronic images and saved in PDF, TIFF or other formats for storage on CDs, DVDs, a computer hard disk or a network server.

Most document imaging systems include optical character recognition (OCR). This allows the images to be recognized as text when saved as searchable PDFs or copied into programs like Microsoft Word or Excel. With OCR, you also can search for specific words or phrases within a scanned document.

Document management systems provide the electronic file cabinets and filing system tools. They combine data storage space with software that goes beyond document imaging to include functions such as audit trail and reporting tools, document expiration controls to delete documents at specified dates and Web-based document viewing.

More advanced document management systems offer extras such as:

User authentication for increased security
Automatic e-mail notification
Digital signatures
Data encryption for secure sending
Custom keys that provide prompts for correct indexing
Targeted solutions for industries such as health care, financial or manufacturing
Multimedia filing, bringing together various types of files such as visual images, video, text and spreadsheets

If you have large quantities of paper documents to turn into electronic files or need help getting the job done quickly, you may want to outsource document imaging to a company like microMEDIA. One of the company’s current on-site conversion projects includes OCR and fully searchable PDF files with more than 25 million images.

And if you don’t have a robust enough server or want to store electronic files off site, many document imaging companies offer a hosted server solution. Web-based document hosting allows you to store or back up your files on their server and then access them securely anywhere, any time. The advantage is that valuable files are off site in case your company’s server goes down or cannot be used on site, like during a hurricane.

Beyond your company’s paperless needs, employees may have a home office. On the next page, we’ll look at how to bring a paperless look to your home office.

Going Paperless at Home

Whether you’re a solo entrepreneur or a telecommuter working full or part time from home, there’s no reason your home office can’t be as paperless as possible. In fact, given limited space and available time, the move to electronic communication and reduced paper may be even more important at home than in a conventional office. Most of the same concepts apply, only on smaller scale.

Start your at-home push to paperless by taming your inner pack rat. No, you probably don’t need marketing materials from five years ago or every scrap of paper related to completed projects. Reduce junk mail by calling 1-888-OPT-OUT (1-888-567-8688) to stop receiving credit card offers. Once you’ve cleared out the unnecessary, you can work to keep those newly cleared spaces clear permanently.

Next, switch to electronic with everything you can. Electronic banking eliminates statements and checks. Online credit card and financial statements knocks out more paper. Check to see what other accounts, like insurance, you can make online. The same goes for project proposals, resumés and invoices. When paper comes to the door, handle it once, and recycle or shred as much as you can immediately.

Make PDF documents of your receipts and save them online instead of printing out paper copies. Create an online filing system that’s easy to understand. And develop a regular back-up system that you do at least weekly to make sure you don’t lose important documents. A flash drive or CD can work, unless you have enough data to need an external hard drive for back-up.

Consider getting an inexpensive scanner, if you don’t already have one, to scan and save receipts, contracts and other documents. If you need to return a signed contract and your employer or client is willing, you can scan the contract, sign it and fax it back. If not, you can at least scan and save the signed contract for your records.

Take that concept a step further, and consider signing up for electronic fax services. Several companies offer this service and accompanying software for as little as $40 per month. With electronic faxing, or Internet faxing, as it’s sometimes called, you can send and receive faxes without a paper-using fax machine. Any document you create on your computer can be sent to a fax machine via e-mail or the Web.

Add a firewall and evaluate your software to make sure you have adequate security for your electronic documents and can protect them from cyber-thieves. If you think you need more, buy something more robust.

Work on one area at a time to gradually build to a nearly paperless office. Plan an annual end-of-year clean-out. Go through files, and move everything that simply needs to be stored onto CDs.

And accept the fact that some paper won’t go away. Deeds, birth certificates, notarized documents and some tax-related items just need to be stored securely. Fortunately, by the time you’ve made the other changes, you probably won’t need a large box to store the paper you’ve left!

Paperless Office Solutions

While document management is an important part of the paperless office, other technology can help make the switch to electronic communication easier. If your goal is to eliminate paper, take a look at these options.

Data Back-Up — For a paperless solution to work, a company needs the security of knowing digital documents are duplicated. This can be done through on-site back-up to a disk, hard drive or server. However, some less-used data can simply be archived, or stored on or off site for record keeping or in case it’s needed at some point [source: Digital Assets].

Companies providing document hosting services frequently offer data archiving services. They may also offer data mirroring, in which an exact copy, or mirrored repository, of your database is kept off site so that your company can connect to it and use it at any time.

Electronic Faxing — With electronic faxing, a company no longer needs paper-using fax machines. Incoming faxes are converted to digital images and sent to individual e-mail boxes. Similarly, documents created on the desktop can be sent to a fax machine via e-mail or the Web. Faxing also is more secure because paper copies can’t be lost or left on a fax machine for everyone to see.

Security Solutions — While electronic documents provide a level of security beyond paper on their own, you may want to go beyond the security offered as part of a document management solution. In choosing a security solution, consider the three main points of security: Does it provide confidentiality by protecting against unauthorized entry? Does it have integrity in that data within the device can’t be altered? And does it limit availability by requiring authorization before the database can be used?

As technology advances, other solutions to the paper problem will undoubtedly emerge. One in development is Xerox Corp.’s electronic paper, which allows notations on thin digital displays with a stylus. The notations can either be erased or saved digitally. Another, Anoto Group’s intelligent paper, also allows notations with a stylus, but using a magnetic ink. The notations appear on the paper and simultaneously on a computer screen.

Model succesful people

Psychological modeling

is a form of copying or mirroring the behavior of another person. This can be done on a conscious level of awareness, however we often tend to do this at an unconscious level of awareness during our day-to-day interactions with others.

There’s a theory which states that you will only be as successful as the sum-total average of your five closest friends. There is actually an ounce of truth to this theory if we take into account the process of psychological modeling.

The people you hang around with most are often the people you admire and respect above all others. These are your friends and your confidants who provide you with an emotional bedrock you can use for support during times of need. Now, whether you realize it or not, you are in fact mirroring in some respects how these people talk, how they move, how they dress, the decisions they make, the actions they take, etc. At the same time these people are also mirroring your decisions, actions and behaviors without even consciously realizing it. And all this is significant because as you mirror others, you begin to think as they do, and as you begin to think as they do you also start adopting their beliefs, their values, their perspectives and their approach to life. You in essence become somewhat like them, and this inevitably influences your day-to-day undertakings.

This is all well and good if you are mostly spending your time with positive, inspiring, motivated, caring and goal oriented individuals. However, what if you’re spending most of your time with pessimistic, angry, and dispassionate individuals? What are these people turning you into? How are they influencing your life? How are they influencing your daily choices, decisions and actions?

It’s important to reflect upon the impact that others have on your life, because you are in some respects mirroring their psychological tendencies. And this is happening whether you consciously realize it or not. Are you going to allow these people to influence your life? Are you going to allow them to shape your destiny?

Is it then surprising that you are essentially only as successful as the average sum-total of the success attained by your five closest friends? Or, to put it another way, you are only as caring as the average sum-total of these people; you are only as decisive as the average sum-total of these people; you are only as courageous as the average sum-total of these people; you are only as intelligent as the average sum-total of these people, etc. Does all this raise any concerns?

It’s important to take all this into consideration while working through the psychological modeling process. However, for the purpose of this discussion, let’s forget the impact that your five closest friends have on your life, and instead let’s focus on consciously modeling people who can help you become the person you desire to be.

What does mirroring involve?

Mirroring is a form of copying of internal and external behavior patterns.

There are two ways to look at this. You can mirror other people’s psychological patterns and their external behavior. Or you can look to your past and mirror what has worked for you in the past in order to obtain similar results in the present moment.

When it comes to mirroring your past, you can for instance mirror your past successes. This requires determining what worked or didn’t work for you in the past, and then bringing those lessons into the “now” by attempting to recreate those behaviors, decisions, actions and internal states in the present moment. This is particularly helpful when bringing back empowering states that served you in the past and can now be used to help you handle difficult emotional moments in the present. For instance, there was probably a time in the past when you felt emotionally resilient. Think about this time and ask yourself:

How was I feeling resilient at the time?

What was I thinking about?

What did I believe about myself?

What did I believe about others?

What did I believe about the situation or my circumstances?

How did I talk to myself?

What kinds of questions did I ask myself?

What decisions did make?

What specific actions did I take?

How can I bring these patterns into the present moment to help me become more resilient in this situation?

This process of mirroring yourself is not the focus of this discussion. However, it is important to understand what’s worked for you in the past, and how you can bring those same patterns forward into your present moment to help you handle your difficulties far more effectively. For this to happen though, you need to thoroughly come to understand your tendencies and patterns of behavior under different circumstances and conditions. Ask yourself:

What do I do when I’m feeling (stressed, worried, frustrated, etc) under pressure?

What do I pay attention to during these moments?

How do I use my physiology?

What kinds of habits do I indulge in?

What decisions do I tend to make?

What does all this mean?

How have I learned this behavior?

Are there any specific individuals in my life who behave in exactly the same way?

Could these people have influenced me, or maybe I influenced them? Or just maybe we both influenced each other?

What’s the significance of all this?

What lessons can I take away from this for the future?

Once you understand yourself and your own psychological tendencies, you will be in a better position to make the necessary adjustments that will help you to model the external behavior and the psychological tendencies of other people on a conscious level of awareness. And this is what will essentially make a positive difference to your life.

Let’s now quickly take a look at the “act of modeling” another person’s psychological patterns and their external behavior. You can for instance model a person’s:

External actions and behaviors: This is achieved by physically copying the decisions they make and how they do things on a daily basis.
Physiology: This can include how they move their body, how they breathe, their muscle tension, posture, eye movements and facial gestures.
Style of dress: Here you are modeling their style of dress from head to toe.
Habits: This requires looking a little deeper within the person to get a sense of the kinds of habits and rituals they indulge in that get them their desired outcomes.
Internal patterns: This includes thoughts, beliefs, values, needs and emotions. This is somewhat more difficult to pinpoint, however once you unlock these patterns you will get a better understanding of the motivations behind this person’s actions.
Interests: These are the thing they enjoy doing. This is where their passions lie, and this is where they find the most joy in life.
Language: This is the kinds of words they speak, the phrases they use, and the pitch, tone, volume, and pace of their voice.
Peer groups: This requires modeling the kinds of people they tend to spend most of their time with. This might also mean getting a deeper understanding into their “peer group selection criteria”. How do they choose who they will interact with? And why do they choose these particular people?

Mirroring another person can also be achieved at very deep levels that go beyond the scope of this article. However, nevertheless, I think it’s important to mention them briefly in order to provide some context for future analysis.

You can for instance mirror a person’s:

Submodalities

These are the ways in which we interpret and then represent our world using our five senses. It’s all about how we visualize things, how we hear things, and how we feel things internally.

Every person has their own unique way of interpreting and representing their world. And this is of particular significance when it comes to psychological modeling. A person’s internal representations reveal very specific habits-of-mind that you can mirror in order to experience the world from their unique point-of-view. This is valuable because all of a sudden it’s as though you’re stepping into their mind and gaining insight into their deepest thoughts, habits and emotional tendencies.

Meta-Programs

These are mental shortcuts that direct your decisions, behaviors, actions and interactions with others. They are internal representations of your external experience of reality. They determine how your brain pays attention to things, and what it pays attention to. It’s a form of pattern recognition, where your brain attempts to sort through what the body is sensing and experiencing.

Meta-programs are like software applications for the brain where one software program controls the execution of a number of other programs. The software runs in the background and directs your thoughts, beliefs, values, memories and responses.

By modeling these psychological software applications (meta-programs), you are effectively tapping into the other person’s methods of processing the world around them. You gain insights into how they do things and why they do things, which can provide you with the answers you need to help you achieve similar outcomes and results in your own life.

Mental Syntax

This is a form of strategy elicitation. Here you are taking what you have observed externally about the person, and the insights you have gathered about their submodalities and meta-programs, and putting them together to form a mental syntax or strategy of how they do and think-through things in very specific ways. This is relevant for modeling because once you gain insight into the specific steps that a person takes internally and externally to get a certain outcome, that is when you can effectively begin modeling their process and thereby obtaining similar outcomes in your own life.

Say for instance you might want to gain insight into how this person makes specific kinds of decisions. Once you understand their mental syntax and the process for making these decisions, you can then model their decision-making process in your own life, and hopefully attain the same or similar outcomes.

Why would I want to model someone?

There are a number of reasons why you might want to follow through with this approach and begin consciously modeling people you respect and admire. Let’s explore three of these reasons here.

For starters, you might not be where you want to be in your life. You have all these goals that you would like to achieve, however you also have all these unhelpful habits, thoughts, and beliefs that are preventing you from moving forward. Consciously modeling another person’s habits, thoughts and beliefs can potentially help you to break out of old patterns of behavior and habits-of-mind, thereby stepping into a new world filled with unique opportunities, perspectives and possibilities. All of a sudden you begin viewing things differently, approaching your problems from surprising angles, and making choices and decisions that you normally would not make. Your life will never be the same, you will never be the same, and the path you take may now be drastically different.

The second reason why you might want to give psychological modeling a try has everything to do with your five closest friendships. Remember the theory of how the average sum-total of your five closest friends influences the kind of person you are today, which thereby determines the results and outcomes you will eventually realize or fail to realize tomorrow? Well, if your desires and ambitions surpass those of your friends, then you have three options. You can choose to dump your friendships and begin establishing new friendships that are on-par with your ambitions. Or you can keep your friendships but at the same time establish new friendships and acquire role models you can use for this psychological modeling experiment. Or you can keep things the way they are and sacrifice your desires for the comfort and security of the present moment. What will you choose to do?

If you choose the second option, you will probably find that while you’re creating stronger bonds with people who are more aligned with your goals and aspirations, that you will eventually grow apart and lose contact with your old friendship circle. This is a normal and natural part of life. And it’s a transition that you will need to go through as you make progress towards the attainment of your goals and objectives.

The third reason you might choose to model someone else is simply to gain a little more confidence in yourself and in your own abilities. This is helpful because while modeling someone else you are essentially acting out a role. You are becoming this other person temporarily, and being this other person can provide you with the confidence you need to help you move forward in more positive ways.

Understanding Your Needs

Before you begin the psychological modeling process, it’s important that you first take some time to get a better understanding of your needs and what you would like to gain from this experience. This clarity will provide you with a sense of direction, and will allow you to make better choices and decisions moving forward.

In order to gain this clarity you will need to do two things. First, you will need to establish what it is you want and the reasons behind these motivations. And secondly, you will need to select the person or people you will begin modeling based on a specific set of criteria that are important for you. After you take these two steps you will be ready to move into the psychological analysis process where you can begin modeling the other person’s social, internal and external patterns.

Let’s now go through each of these steps before jumping into the psychological modeling process.

Establish Clear Outcomes

It’s all well and good to consciously model someone you admire. However, without a clear goal of the outcomes you would like to achieve, you will tend to get lost and easily sidetracked. For this very reason it’s critical that before you jump into the process of psychological modeling that you first clarify what it is you would like to achieve as a result of this process. Ask yourself:

What is it that I would like to achieve?

Would I like to change some of my habits?

Would I like to make better decisions? How?

Would I like to do anything differently?

Would I like to feel a little more confident and self-assured?

What’s not working in my life right now?

What things would I like to change?

How would fixing or changing these things help me in the long-run?

What kind of person would I essentially like to become?

What will becoming this person allow me to do?

Why is all this important in the long-run?

The more you clarify in your mind what it is you want, the better idea you will have about what it will take to get you there. However, it’s important to remind yourself that what you want is not as important as why you want things. There must be enough reasons “why” you want something in order for there to be enough motivation and commitment behind your actions.

Select a Person to Model

Now that you are clear about what it is you want and why you want things, it’s now time to select the person you would like to model.

This task seems simple on the surface, however there are several things that you must keep in mind. To gain some clarity about these things, ask yourself:

What specific person would I like to model? Why?

How will modeling this person be of value for me?

How much information is available about this person? Books? Internet? Articles?

How accessible is this person? Can I get in touch with them?

Can I spend time with this person, or work alongside them in some capacity?

What do I value about this person?

Is this person congruent with the kind of person I want to become?

Could there be someone else that might be more congruent with my desired goals and objectives?

You might end up selecting a person that you know personally. This is advantageous because it will allow you the opportunity to spend time with them and potentially ask them questions that will help you identify their psychological tendencies.

On the other hand, you might choose to model someone famous (deceased or alive) that you won’t get an opportunity to interact with on a face-to-face basis. In such instances you will need to learn all you can about this person by reading books and articles; listening to interviews; or maybe watching video recordings. All these resources can provide you with some unique and helpful insights.

This second method has its own advantages because it provides you with a variety of perspectives into this person’s psychological tendencies that you can work with as you move through the psychological modeling process.

Given all this, it’s important to select someone who is congruent with the type of person you would like to become. What this means is that their beliefs, values, goals, lifestyle, etc, are consistent with the goals you outlined above. The more congruency exists, the easier it will be to model them, and the better results you will attain in the long-run.

The Psychological Modeling Process

The psychological modeling process can be broken down into three distinct parts. The first is the social analysis stage, which involves analyzing the other person’s social life and social structure. The second is the external analysis stage, which involves getting a sense of what the person’s like from a visual external perspective. And the third stage, that of internal analysis is probably the most difficult of them all because it involves analyzing the makeup of the other person’s internal world. This is where you can delve into submodalities and meta-programs.

Some of these questions may not apply to the person you have chosen to model. And that is perfectly fine. These questions are more of an outline that you can add-to and subtract-from at any time. Use them for guidance only, and continuously adapt the questions to the person you are modeling and to the outcomes you are wanting to obtain.

Let’s break down each of these three steps in a little more detail:

Social Analysis Stage

Your first objective is to conduct a social analysis of the person you are going to be modeling. This will require gaining insight into their social life, into their interactions with others, and into their lifestyle. Here are some important questions you might like to ask yourself.

The Social Environment:

Where does this person spend most of their time? Why?

How do they tend to spend their time? Why?

Do they partake in any specific hobbies? Why?

What kind of environment do they tend to nurture? Why?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Acquiring Knowledge:

What does this person tend to read? Why?

Do they watch anything in particular on the Internet or on TV? Why?

What does this person tend to listen to? Why?

How do they acquire the relevant knowledge and information they need to be successful?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Networking and Connections:

Where does this person tend to network and connect with other people? Why?

Whom do they tend to network with in particular? Why?

How do they networking and form connections with people? Why?

What groups, clubs, and/or organizations do they belong to? Why?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Role Models:

Who are their role models? Why?

How do their role models influence their behavior, decisions and actions?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

External Analysis Stage

Your next objective is to conduct an external analysis of the person you are going to be modeling. This will require gaining insight into the decisions they make, the questions they ask themselves, their attitude, qualities, actions, physiology, habits, emotional tendencies, skills and much more. Here are some important questions you might like to ask yourself:

Decision Making:

How does this person tend to make decisions? Why?

What criteria do they use to make their decisions? Why?

What kinds of decisions do they make in different situations? Why?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Qualities and Characteristics:

What strengths does this person have? Why?

What are their dominant traits? Why?

What qualities do they have that I admire most?

How are these qualities and traits expressed through their daily actions, interactions, and undertakings?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Daily Actions and Habits:

What daily actions does this person take? Why?

What habits do they have that I admire?

What rituals do they tend to indulge in? Why?

What’s their routine like? Why is this important?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Language and Questions:

What words does this person tend to use on a daily basis? Why?

How do they speak? What’s their tone of voice like?

How do they tend to speak to themselves? To others?

What questions do they tend to ask?

How do their questions influence their decisions and actions?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Ongoing Attitude:

If I could sum up this person’s attitude in a few words, what would it be?

How do they respond under heavy stress or during a crisis?

What emotions do they tend to experience on a daily basis? Why?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Skills and Abilities:

What kinds of skills has this person learned and mastered over a lifetime? Why?

How have these skills helped them get to where they are in life?

Where did they learn these skills? How did they learn these skills?

What does it take to learn these kinds of skills to this level of proficiency?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Physiology:

What is evident when I observe this person’s physiology?

How do they tend to stand?

How do they tend to sit?

How do they move their body while interacting with others?

What’s their physiology like when under immense stress?

What insights does their physiology provide me about their internal state-of-mind?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Motivations Behind Actions:

What motivates them to take action? Why?

What kind of pain are they trying to avoid? Why?

How are they doing this?

What drives their behavior forward? Why?

What pleasures are they seeking to attain? Why?

How is the pleasure and pain principle influencing their daily attitude, decisions and actions?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Internal Analysis Stage

Your final objective is to conduct an internal analysis of the person you are going to be modeling. This is the toughest part. However, you did do some of this groundwork within the previous stage.

What you identify externally is often also mirrored internally. This should provide you with the clues you need to get a better understanding of this person’s internal world.

Conducting an internal analysis is best done through a combination of observation and by asking some insightful questions. However, if the person you are going to be modeling isn’t accessible, then you will probably find a lot of this information within books, biographies, documentaries, films and articles. Plow through interviews and pay careful attention to their responses. Within these responses you will find the clues that you are searching for.

In order to conduct a thorough internal analysis you will need to take into account this person’s needs, values, beliefs, meta-programs, submodalities, thoughts, rules, expectations and perceptions. Here are some important questions you might like to ask yourself:

Thoughts and Mental State:

What does this person tend to think about most of the time? Why?

How do they tend to think about these things? Why?

What do they tend to focus on? Why?

How do they tend to focus on these things? Why?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Human Needs:

What are this person’s dominant needs? Is it the need for certainty, uncertainty, significance, connection, growth or contribution? Why?

Which needs are they satisfying at the highest level? Why?

How do these needs affect their priorities in life?

How do these needs influence their daily choices, decisions and actions?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Meta-Programs:

What meta-programs influence their daily choices and decisions? Why?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Core Values:

What values does this person tend to live by?

What are their core values? Why?

What is their hierarchy of values? Why?

How do they tend to satisfy these values on a daily basis?

How do their values affect how they prioritize their life, decisions and actions?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Personal Beliefs:

What do they believe about themselves, others and circumstances?

What convictions do they have?

Why do they tend to believe these things?

How do they express their beliefs on a daily basis?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Expectations, Personal Standards and Rules:

What expectations do they tend to have? Why?

What do they expect of themselves, others and circumstances?

What does all this say about their personal standards?

What rules do they tend to live by? Why are these rules important to them?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

Perceptions and Pattern Recognition:

How does this person tend to perceive things? Why?

How do they tend to perceive other people and situations? Why?

What patterns do they tend to recognize? Why is this important?

How do they recognize these patterns?

How is knowing this of value for me and for the outcomes I would like to achieve?

People become successful and/or proficient in certain areas of life because they have developed the ability to recognize patterns within their circumstances/environment that others typically struggle to notice. Recognizing these patterns provides them with an edge that gives them unique insights and perspectives. Within this lies the key to modeling a person successfully.

Once you thoroughly come to understand a person’s social, external and internal world, you will likewise develop the ability to spot the patterns that shape and structure their world. And the moment you understand these patterns, is the moment you can take advantage of them in your own life.

Putting it All Together

So, where do you go from there? What do you do with all this information you have gathered about this other person?

This all comes down to the outcomes you originally laid out. These outcomes provide you with a sense-of-direction. It’s therefore important to integrate the social, external and internal patterns you identified into your daily undertakings to to help you attain your desired outcomes. Ask yourself:

What outcomes do I want to achieve?

What psychological patterns will help me to attain these outcomes?

What specific things might not be worth my while exploring?

How will I begin adopting these new patterns into my life?

What challenges or setbacks could I face?

How will I handle these problems?

What’s the first step I could take today that will help build my momentum?

Once you have some clarity, you can begin taking the necessary steps to help you move forward towards your desired outcomes.

As a final word, it’s very possible that modeling just one person might not provide you with the answer you need. In such instances, choose several people to model, and take the best that each of these people has to offer — applying only the most relevant patterns into your own life. Above all else, stay flexible with your approach and adjust your course of action as you work towards your desired outcomes.

Words of Caution

It’s important you don’t get so caught up modeling others that you lose all sense-of-self.

Don’t sacrifice your own personal identity. You are not this other person. You are temporarily acting like them in order to attain your desired outcomes. You are in essence an actor hired to star in a movie, and you must act out this person to the best of your ability. However, after-hours once the set is closed, you are yourself once again. Yes, you might very well take some of the positive traits and psychological tendencies you picked up from modeling this person and apply them into your day-to-day life. You might even decide to integrate a part of this person into yourself. That is fantastic, and perfectly okay. Take what’s working, dump the rest, and above all else, remember to keep your personal identity intact.

In the end, it’s important not to lose yourself. This is not a transformation. It is rather an adaptation. And it’s up to you to pick and choose the parts you need, to help you make an improved version of yourself that will allow you to attain your desired goals and objectives.

Negotiate Better

The Negotiator’s Mindset

The mindset you bring into each and every negotiation is just as important as the techniques, tactics and tools you use throughout the negotiation process. For this reason we will break down the essential mindset that is required for effective negotiation. Later we will analyze the strategies and tools that will support you on your way towards reaching a win/win agreement.

A Negotiator’s Beliefs

An effective negotiator has a powerful set of underlying beliefs and convictions that help determine the decisions they will make throughout the negotiation process.

The following three beliefs create the backbone for effective decision-making. By taking time each day to ingrain them into your habitual patterns of behavior, will give you a superior advantage as you progress through each negotiation scenario.

Everything is negotiable.

No negotiation is ever final.

Preparation is the key to success.

Flexible

An effective negotiator is flexible in their approach throughout the negotiation process. They firmly understand that they must bend with the winds of change — adapting to their opponent’s tendencies, tactical maneuvers, and the information presented — in order to attain a favorable outcome.

Patient

An effective negotiator is patient at all times throughout the negotiation process. They thoroughly understand that negotiations must never be rushed or hurried, otherwise mistakes and oversights can be made which could stall the negotiation process even further or result in an unfavorable outcome for all parties concerned.

Resilient under Pressure

An effective negotiator firmly understands that negotiation requires a resilient attitude particularly under pressure. They realize that their opponent will often attempt every trick in the book to try and sway the negotiations in their favor. Yet, they stand firm and persist no matter how unfavorably the negotiation may seem to be unfolding. This resilience eventually helps them to progressively break down seemingly insurmountable obstacles, thereby moving them forward towards a fair and satisfactory arrangement.

Indifferent to Outcomes

An effective negotiator is fully aware that they must not attach themselves to a specific outcome. They realize that when they are attached to an outcome that they desire to achieve, that the more likely they are to become emotionally involved, which could lead to ineffective and hurried decisions that could sabotage the negotiation process.

Emotionally Proactive

An effective negotiator remains in full control of their emotional responses at all times throughout the negotiation process. They understand that one emotional slip could put them at a disadvantage and may thusly ruin their chances of reaching a favorable outcome. As a result they stay emotionally detached from the negotiation process.

Effective negotiators only think logically about their circumstances in order to reach an effective agreement that satisfies all parties involved.

Essential Negotiation Skills

To become a more effective negotiator it helps to develop a set of skills that will provide you with a solid foundation of understanding and flexibility to move you through the negotiation process more successfully.

The following list presents some of these critical skills that you must develop if you seek to become a more proficient negotiator:

Communication Skills

Communication is the ability to speak, listen, persuade, write and create rapport with your opponent. It is the fundamental and critical skills that we use to one extent or another on a daily basis while interacting with other people.

On one level or another all of us have a deep understanding and insight into these abilities. However, most of us simply don’t consciously use them to great effect throughout the negotiation process.

Listening Ability

When another person is talking we often hear what they are saying, however, it is rare to find a person who really listens and understands at a deep level what the other person is going through.

When it comes to effective negotiation, you must teach yourself to hear the words that the other person is speaking, while at the same time listening to the underlying patterns of their spoken language, their hidden meaning, and the needs that this person is trying to express through their words and phrasing.

Only in this way will you truly grasp a thorough and comprehensive insight into the complexities of this person’s mind and thought patterns.

Speaking Skills

When it comes to getting our message across to another person, it is important that we communicate and express ourselves clearly and concisely.

We must be very careful that the meaning of our words does not get misinterpreted by the other person, otherwise the message we are trying to get across will simply go missing. This is why it is so very important to pronounce each word clearly with the correct emotional undertones that we are attempting to get across to our opponent throughout the negotiation process.

Rapport Creation

Creating rapport between you an your opponent throughout the negotiation process involves a combination of listening and speaking skills that are intermingled with body language and the subtle conscious use of mirroring and matching techniques that reflect your opponent’s traits, values, beliefs and habitual patterns of behavior.

Writing Ability

Your ability to be able to write effectively subconsciously determines how intelligently others perceive you at any one moment in time. This is critical when it comes to effective negotiation, and helps you build the respect of your opponent.

Persuasive Ability

Your ability to persuade another person to your way of thinking stems from all the above communication variables. Each one adorns you with a layer of influence that you can use to win your opponent’s heart throughout the negotiation process.

Ability to Think Critically

An effective negotiator must be able to think critically about their opponent’s arguments, opinions and the facts of the negotiation. Only in this way will they be able to see beyond the fog and pinpoint the real issues and opportunities hiding within the deeper layers of the negotiation.

Ability to Think Creatively

An effective negotiator must be able to think creatively about every aspect of the negotiation process in order to identify hidden opportunities, potential areas of agreement, and unquestioned scenarios that could result in the establishment of favorable outcomes for all parties concerned.

Suppression of Emotions and Non-Verbal Cues

An effective negotiator clearly understands that their emotions and body language will often reveal their true intentions, opinions and thoughts. As a result they are always consciously vigilant of their non-verbal body language and emotional tendencies.

Awareness of Deceptive Tactics & Body Language

An effective negotiator is clearly aware of the underlying meaning of body language and the variety of deceptive tactics that others use on a consistent basis in order to gain the upper-hand throughout the negotiation process.

Foresight

An effective negotiator has an uncanny ability to predict future outcomes and circumstances based on subtle clues that are revealed throughout the negotiation process.

Like a Grand-master chess champion, they are able to predict their opponent’s moves several steps ahead, and can therefore layout an effective plan of action that will assist them to attain a favorable outcome as the negotiations wind down.

Gaining an Advantage as a Negotiator

You will gain an advantage over your opponent as an effective negotiator by ensuring that you step into each negotiation session with superior knowledge and understanding of not only your side of the proposal, but also your opponent’s side.

Gain knowledge by collecting and collating the following information about the subject you will be negotiating:

Statistics and solid figures.
Facts that are supported by overwhelming evidence.
Precedents that support your stance and point-of-view.
An understanding of your opponent’s personality traits.

Each of the above will help to lay down a solid foundation that will give you a serious advantage before the negotiation process even begins. However, you must be thorough with your research and you must understanding your opponent’s personality traits and tendencies comprehensively.

The Eight Step Negotiation Process

The following eight steps present a comprehensive break down of the negotiation process.

It isn’t essential that you move through all steps in chronological order. Instead the list is there to simply guide and present you with an outline of how a typical negotiation process might progress moving towards a favorable outcome.

1. Prepare

While preparing for your negotiation you must first gain clarity on what it is that you would like to obtain from this negotiation session. You must also gather an understanding of your opponent’s needs, priorities, boundaries, goals and emotional tendencies..

2. Begin

Begin the 2nd phase of the negotiation process by stating your case to your opponent.

Paint a picture of your position by telling your opponent a story comprising of logical arguments tinged with emotional undertones. When everything is said and done you must state what it is you want as a result of the contextual situation. In other words, your opponent must know exactly what you would like to gain from this negotiation process.

Once your opponent has heard your case, it is now their turn to state their position on the situation.

While they are talking, gently, curiously and innocently probe for understanding by using the simple process of asking ever deeper questions that will help you determine your opponent’s legitimate wants.

You must come away from this stage of the negotiation process with a clear impression of what it is that your opponent wants, needs and hopes to gain from this negotiation.

When you come to an understanding of what drives your opponent, then you will have a greater array of ammunition to work with in order to persuade your opponent to your way of thinking.

3. Argue

The 3rd phase of the negotiation process is known as the argumentative period.

Throughout this phase you must first attempt to weaken your opponent’s position by pointing out holes within their argument, facts, stats and data. At the same time you must effectively show that you are indifferent to the potential outcomes of this negotiation, and are willing to walk away if a favorable agreement is not reached.

Throughout this phase you must strengthen your own personal-case by making logical arguments and providing strong evidence to support the claims you are making. Likewise, provide your opponent with high levels of benefit if they agree wholeheartedly to your terms.

Finally, you must also prepare yourself to deal with head-on attacks that your opponent will throw at you. Simply repel these attacks by pointing out that you are fully aware of what they are doing, and that you will not be taken advantage of.

4. Explore

The 4th phase of the negotiation process involves exploring possible options.

Here you must work on unraveling areas of similarity, agreement and difference that both of you presented within the 3rd phase of the negotiation process.

Your goal is to bring to mind possible solutions that could potentially satisfy all parties involved within the negotiation.

5. Signal

The 5th phase of the negotiation process must bring your arguments and explorations full circle.

You must signal to your opponent that you are ready to work together and reach an effective outcome that will satisfy all parties involved.

Do this by displaying a good open posture and body language, by communicating honestly about your willingness to negotiate a suitable outcome, and by talking of the possibilities that could arise once the negotiation has been finalized.

6. Package

The 6th phase of the negotiation process must identify potential agreeable trades that can be made by both parties in order to reach a favorable outcome for everyone concerned.

Here you would make conditional proposals to your opponent about specific aspects of the negotiation.

Packaging your proposals effectively will further assist you to gain greater leverage at this stage of the negotiation process.

7. Close

The 7th phase of the negotiation involves the process of closing the deal. Simply agree to the terms of the arrangement making sure that you have established a favorable outcome for yourself and all parties concerned.

8. Sustain

The final phase of the negotiation process involves standing by the promises you made to your opponent, and potentially re-negotiating a new agreement if circumstances change.

To Do List: Before Your Negotiation

Within this section we will break down the fundamental things you should be focusing on before you physically step into a negotiation situation.

Thorough Preparation = Success

When it comes to effective negotiation tactics, there is nothing more important than thorough and meticulous preparation. Not only will you gain an upper-hand over your opponent with the additional knowledge you acquire, you will also build a reservoir of confidence that will propel you effortlessly from one stage of the negotiation to the next.

In short… Thorough Preparation = A Fruitful Negotiation

Questioning Your Opponent

Your very first step when preparing for a negotiation is to thoroughly question your opponent from all possible angles and perspectives.

The insights you gain here will help you to adjust your personal negotiation style to best fit your opponent’s psychological tendencies, strengths, weaknesses and objectives.

Opponent’s Personal Drivers

The first areas to analyze are your opponent’s personal drivers. These drivers are intricately connected to the MasterMind Matrix and determine your opponent’s psychological tendencies, motives and behaviors.

Emotional Tendencies

Emotional tendencies are habitual emotional reactions that your opponent unconsciously makes under certain and specific conditions as they interact with others and deal with the circumstances that arise throughout their day.

Your goal is to dissect these patterns of emotional behavior, determine how they are triggered, and develop a strategy on how you can effectively use this information to your advantage throughout the negotiation process.

Values and Beliefs

Values and beliefs determine how your opponent views the world and how they prioritize their life, decisions and actions.

Beliefs can unlock hidden fears, anxieties and concerns that you can use to your advantage throughout the negotiation process.

Your goal is to dissect these value and belief patterns, determine the influence they have over your opponent’s decision-making ability, and develop an appropriate strategy on how to effectively use this information to your advantage throughout the negotiation process.

Objectives and Goals

Everyone comes into a negotiation with specific and somewhat loose objectives, goals and outcomes that they would like to obtain.

Your job is to dissect what goals and objectives your opponent is going to bring into the negotiation, determine the importance and priority that these goals have over their decision-making ability, and develop a strategy on how to effectively use this information to your advantage throughout the negotiation process.

Finally, determining what goals both of you share will help develop rapport and will assist you to gain common ground as you work your way through the negotiation.

Time Frames

Your opponent will most likely come into the negotiation with a specific time frame that they would like to work with. If you are able to identify this time frame, and then determine the reasons behind these time constraints, then it will provide you with a significant advantage as you work your way through the negotiation process.

Personal Wants vs Needs

There is a distinct and clear difference between what your opponent wants and what they need or will settle for when the negotiation is finalized. Your goal is to determine the differences and develop an effective negotiation approach that will show your opponent that their wants are clearly not in your best interest, while on the other-hand, helping satisfy their needs can bring about a fruitful agreement for all parties concerned.

Ask yourself:

What do they want specifically from me?

A certain or specific action: Your opponent may want you to do something specific for them.
Material possessions: Your opponent may want possession of something that you have.
An agreement to do something: Your opponent may want you to agree to do something for them, or to convince you to change your mind or opinion about an issue or subject.
Your personal knowledge or experience: Your opponent may want access to personal knowledge or information you have or control.

Opponent’s Company Drivers

If your opponent is coming into the negotiation representing a company, institute or business, than it will be necessary to question the driving forces behind this corporate organization in a similar fashion as was discussed above.

Company Vision and Mission

A vision and mission statement helps give you an insight into the values, beliefs and principles that a company seeks to project through their sales, marketing and public relations channels. You can use these insights to gain the upper-hand throughout the negotiation process, which can be done in one of two ways.

First to point out inconsistencies in your opponent’s actions that clearly contradict the company’s vision or mission statement, and secondly to help you structure your arguments more effectively — aligning them with the main principles presented within these declarations.

Company Goals

A company’s goals and objectives present you with their long-term future outlook and the progressive steps that they will take in order to reach these outcomes.

You can use this knowledge to structure your argument in such a way that their long-term goals and objectives naturally align themselves to the goals and outcomes that you seek to attain from this particular negotiation.

Company Strategy

Every company has a marketing message and a corporate strategy that they work-into every interaction they have with the marketplace and their customers. Once you become familiar with this strategy, you will be better able to adapt your approach before sitting down at the negotiation table.

For instance, you would negotiate somewhat differently with a representative of a company with a conservative strategy, than with someone whose company is well known for their willingness to take risks.

Opponent’s Expectations

Finally, you must gather an understanding of your opponent’s expectations coming into the negotiation session. These expectations will determine their strategy, approach, and willingness to make concessions.

Ask yourself:

What are my opponent’s expectations coming into this negotiation?

Questioning Potential Outcomes and Variables

After a thorough examination of your opponent, your next step is to take some time to question the potential outcomes and variables of the negotiation.

Here are some things you must consider:

Consequences of Win/Loss Scenarios

By gaining an understanding of the potential consequences of winning or losing (for both yourself and your opponent) will help you to better plan your strategy for the negotiation. Moreover, this knowledge will allow you to make more effective decisions and prepare for possible obstacles, challenges or opportunities that could arise as the negotiation unfolds.

Possible Alternative Solutions

Next, you must expand your thinking outside-the-box, and look at possible solutions that you could propose if you are initially unable to reach a favorable agreement with your opponent.

Take time to think about the possible alternatives that you might be able to propose from your perspective, while at the same time looking at the potential solutions that your opponent may be willing to bring to the negotiating table.

At times your opponent may need a little guidance that will help them to see possibilities that they may not have been aware of.

You may like to ask yourself the following two questions:

What are the possible alternatives if we are unable to reach an agreement?

How much do these alternative solutions matter to me and to my opponent?

Potential Trades

Your potential trades are the negotiating chips you will use to sway your opponent towards a favorable outcome.

You must determine what it is that your opponent perceives as valuable that you could trade in order to spice up the negotiation.

This thing you are trading does not necessarily have to have value for you personally. As long as your opponent sees that it is valuable for them, then that is all that matters.

In order to show your opponent that what you are offering them is valuable, you must gain a deep understanding of their personal and company drivers that we discussed in the previous section. It is likewise important to gain an understanding of what your opponent could potentially trade in order to motivate you to agree to their terms.

By preparing these ideas in advance will help you to better control the flow of the negotiation process, and potentially reach a more favorable outcome.

Ask yourself the following two questions:

What is each party prepared to give away?

What of value can potentially be traded?

Determining Negotiating Power

Here you must determine who holds the influential power within the negotiation.

You can gather an understanding of these balancing scales by reflecting upon which party has control over critical resources, knowledge, status and skills.

Once you are consciously aware of the balance of power, you can better prepare your arguments in order to weaken your opponent’s power position while at the same time strengthening your own position within the negotiation process.

Ask yourself the following three questions to expand your thinking in this area:

Who holds the power within this negotiation?

Who controls the resources, knowledge, status and skills?

Who stands most to lose if an agreement is not reached?

Questioning Yourself

Once you have questioned your opponent and the potential outcomes and variables of the negotiation, you must now switch the spotlight on yourself and gain clarity about your personal motives, needs, and the objectives you would like to obtain from this negotiation.

Here are three important things you must consider:

Gain Clarity About Your Goals

Gather a clear and concise understanding of the goals and outcomes you would like to achieve as a result of this negotiation.

BEWARE… if you step into the negotiation process without knowing what it is you want, then you will walk away from the negotiation with an unfavorable outcome that will leave you feeling empty and guilt-ridden.

On the other hand, having clarity about what it is you would like to obtain from the negotiation will allow you to better plan and prepare an effective strategy that will move you towards a favorable outcome.

Ask yourself:

What is it that I want to gain from this negotiation?

How will I know when I have reached and achieved this goal?

What signs or variables must I keep a lookout for that will help guide me towards my objectives?

Gain Clarity About Your Motives

Determine what it is that is driving and motivating you towards the goals and objectives you have laid out for yourself.

Keep in mind that at times your motives may blind you from seeing the most important issues that you actually need in order to reach a favorable outcome. You must therefore filter out the garbage while staying true to your highest ideals, values and standards.

Asking yourself the following questions will provide you with some clarity:

What are my motives for wanting this particular outcome?

What are the underlying subconscious reasons I am wanting to achieve this goal?

Are these motives aligned with my highest ideals, values and standards?

Are these motives blinding me from seeing the bigger picture?

How can I realign my motives effectively in order to encapsulate the bigger picture I am now seeing?

Gain Clarity About Your Needs

Now you must gain clarity about the personal needs that you would like to satisfy as a result of this negotiation.

Keep in mind that your needs are very different to your wants. The first is something that is required unconditionally just like the body needs food and water to survive, while the second has a whole set of variables attached to it that are great to have, however they aren’t necessary when looking from the perspective of the bigger picture.

By thoroughly understanding your needs you will be better able to position yourself to more effectively target your goals throughout the negotiation process.

Mind Map Areas of Potential Agreement

When it comes to planning out your negotiation, there is probably no better tool than mind mapping.

Mind maps will help you to see the bigger picture and the interconnecting pieces of each and every variable of the negotiation. On top of this, mind maps will help you layout your plan of action in an orderly manner making sure that you cover all the necessary points that will assist you with obtaining a favorable outcome.

If however you are overwhelmed with the thought of mapping out all the variables of the negotiation process, then a good starting point is to simply mind map the potential areas of agreement and disagreement that could result from the negotiation. This mind map will help you to workaround potential obstacles and opportunities, while enabling you to gain a deeper understanding of your opponent.

Determine Ideal Location for Negotiation

Once you have gained clarity about your opponent’s drivers, the potential outcomes and variables of the negotiation, and your own goals, motives and needs; now you are ready to determine the location where the negotiation will take place.

The location you select must support your goals and objectives, while at the same time providing you with a psychological advantage.

Factors that you should consider when setting up an effective location for the negotiation are as follows:

Room setting
Temperature
Lighting
Ambiance
Decor including chairs and tables
Refreshments
Physical space
Time of meeting
Seat positioning

Setting Up the Seating Position

How you position your chair in relation to your opponent’s chair can effectively determine the outcome of the negotiation in many unexpected ways.

Your seat positioning could very well determine how your opponent perceives you and responds to your arguments, while at the same time limiting or expanding your ability to influence your opponent emotionally, verbally and/or physically. Here are some quick guidelines:

Side by Side Seating Position

When you are sitting side-by-side with your opponent this signifies a spirit of cooperation. From this position you have a full view of their body language, mannerisms, and you are better able to connect with them physically.

Angled Seating Position

When you are sitting on an angled position in relation to your opponent, this signifies and naturally stimulates conversation.

This is often the most ideal seating position to take up at the onset of your negotiation session.

As your discussion advances and moves forward you can progressively shift into the side-by-side sitting position to further enhance the feelings of cooperation between the two of you.

Opposite Seating Position

When you are sitting opposite your opponent this signifies confrontation. This is especially evident when there is a table or desk parting your interactions — creating a barrier that prevents physical contact and visibility of the lower parts of your opponent’s body.

This is significant, because the lower part of the body can often display subtle signals that will provide you with deep insights into your opponent’s patterns of thought and emotion.

To Do List: During Your Negotiation

Within this section we will discuss several techniques, strategies, tools and guidelines that you can use throughout the negotiation process.

What to DO During a Negotiation

What you do before your negotiation session goes hand-in-hand with the steps you must consciously take throughout your negotiations.

Below we discuss some fundamental principles that you must take time to learn, cultivate and apply into your negotiation rituals in order to become a more efficient and effective negotiator.

Keep in mind that this list is by no means complete. In fact it only represents a small portion of what is required. However, mastering this small portion will significantly strengthen your proficiency as an effective negotiator, and in many ways it will do more for you then if you were to learn a 100 different negotiation or persuasive tactics, which in itself can become a rather overwhelming and daunting experience.

Master the following principles first and foremost, and you will be well on your way towards becoming a very effective and clever negotiator.

Maintain an Optimal Resourceful State

Maintaining a resourceful state will allow you to think more effectively, clearly and creatively. It will also enable you to project a powerful and radiant energy that will be perceived by others as a display of confidence, which can easily turn into respect and admiration.

A resourceful state is created in three fundamental ways:

Emotionally: The emotions you project.
Physically: How you use your body.
Mentally: The thoughts that you allow to dwell in your mind and what you mentally focus on at any one moment in time.

Develop and Maintain Rapport with Opponent

Your next objective is to first develop and later maintain a strong rapport with your opponent. This is done in several ways involving the process of mirroring and matching.

Here are a few guidelines to get you started:

Mirror Your Opponent

Observe your opponent carefully taking notice of their facial gestures, body language, and the verbal language they persistently use. Particularly pay attention to words they use to express themselves.

Once you are aware of your opponent’s subtle tendencies and habitual patterns of behavior, begin slowly mirroring their facial gestures, body language and the words that they use to express their feelings and emotions (gradual progressive mirroring is the key here).

Slowly but surely as you persist with this method you will find that your opponent begins to feel more comfortable around you. This will thusly allow you to connect with them at a deeper and more profound level.

Match Beliefs, Values and Habits

Your opponent has a set of beliefs, values and habits that make up their personality and characteristics.

In order to connect with them at a deeper level, they must see that you are like them in at least a few subtle ways.

By consciously matching their beliefs and values will show your opponent that you stand by the same principles that they believe in. This will thusly help you to build a stronger and longer lasting relationship with your opponent.

Acknowledge Your Understanding

As your opponent talks, acknowledge your understanding of their point of view by nodding your head and making short verbal remarks.

Don’t mistaken this as an agreement but rather as a show of your understanding of their point-of-view, positioning, and argument. If they see that you are willingly considering their side of the story, then they will be more open and accepting of your side of the story.

Paraphrase What is Being Said

Take your acknowledgment and understanding to another level by paraphrasing what your opponent has spoken in your own words. This will show your opponent that you have clearly heard them and understand their point-of-view. It will also show them that you are paying attention and are seriously considering their argument. This will likewise gain you a great deal of respect, and help you to build closer bonds with the people you are negotiating with.

Life coaches are often very good at using this strategy.

Communicate Clearly

Building rapport with your opponent requires that you communicate clearly, succinctly and efficiently.

If your opponent cannot understand your point-of-view, then you will struggle to build a good solid relationship and will likewise hurt your chances of reaching a favorable outcome.

Think in Solution Oriented Terms

When we enter a negotiation it is very easy to get carried away with the problems and obstacles that negotiations bring to the forefront of our minds.

Sometimes these problems grow so large that it is difficult to see the opportunities and solutions that would help both of you reach a favorable outcome.

The answer to this lies in solution-oriented thinking.

The following presents you with just a few ideas that will enable and encourage you to think in solution-oriented ways:

Chunk Up

When you can’t see eye-to-eye with your opponent and you begin to feel that problems are getting in the way of your negotiations, decide immediately to chunk upseeking common global interests (the bigger picture) that you and your opponent share.

These interests will help you establish areas of common ground that you can agree upon and therefore work from in order to reach a favorable outcome.

Chunk Down

When you can’t see eye-to-eye with your opponent and you begin to feel that problems are getting in the way of your negotiations, decide immediately to chunk down seeking common agreement specifics that you and your opponent share.

You may not see the same solution, however there may very well be certain aspects of this solution that you both acknowledge and can agree upon. Simply identify these aspects and work on re-establishing rapport and finding common ground.

Find Shared Problems

When solutions seem to be too few and far between, then simply flip the switch andfocus on common problems that both of you share.

From here you can both work together to identify possible solutions to these problems that will help all parties concerned reach a favorable outcome.

Sometimes it’s our common problems that bring forth the greatest insights and ideas.

Use Questions Not Statements

Building rapport with your opponent and seeking solution-oriented outcomes requires that you minimize making statements and rather focus on asking solution based questions that will expand your opponent’s thinking and reflective abilities.

By learning to ask more effective questions will also assist you to gather the information you need from your opponent to successfully swing the negotiation pendulum in your favor.

Reach Win/Win Agreements

There are a variety of opinions about when you should finalize and seal a negotiation. Some believe you should work for a win/loss scenario (you win and your opponent loses), while others stand by the claim that the only way to walk away from a negotiation is when both parties have achieved a favorable outcome.

The second option in most instances is your better long-term solution.

We are here to fight for what we want, yet at the same time we would be doing others an injustice if we were to make them feel regretful and remorseful after the negotiation has concluded.

You never know when you are going to need someone’s help or assistance in the future. Therefore a win/win scenario is always the best outcome for a vast majority of negotiations.

Prioritize Ideas and Suggestions

Throughout the negotiation process you must be continuously prioritizing a variety of variables, ideas, solutions, suggestions and proposals made by you and your opponent on paper or within your head. These will help you to think more clearly, which will likewise enhance your decision-making ability. It will also ensure that you don’t miss the bigger picture that is absolutely critical to the success of each negotiation.

Use Principles of Pain and Pleasure

The principles of pain and pleasure are persuasive negotiation tactics, that if used to their fullest potential, can and will checkmate your opponent.

Your opponent will psychologically make decisions based on experiencing the feelings ofimmediate pleasure in the moment, while at the same time they will do whatever it takes to move away from the feelings of experiencing immediate pain.

You can effectively use this knowledge to your advantage by progressively showing your opponent that if they agree to your terms that it will bring them immediate pleasure, and if they don’t agree to your terms that it will bring them immediate and long-term pain. On the other hand, it is important to convince your opponent that agreeing to their terms will bring them immediate and long-term pain. Even though they may not initially see it that way, it is your responsibility as an effective negotiator to lead them down this path.

Make Logical Arguments

Intelligent people will not easily be convinced by the use of emotional persuasive tactics. However, if you present them with a logical argument that breaks down your point-of-view into facts, stats and data that they cannot disprove, then you will effectively win them over to your way of thinking.

Use a Plethora of Negotiation Tactics

If you are still not making much progress using all the above negotiation strategies we have discussed, then you can simply turn to an abundance of negotiation tactics that can be used to your advantage.

I will not be discussing these negotiation tactics within this article post, however I highly recommend that you visit the Changing Minds Website which presents you with 65 powerful negotiation specific tactics you can immediately implement.

Without going into too much detail, here is a simple list of some of my favorite tactics that I like to use throughout the negotiation process:

Proactively vary your emotions from “stunned” to “relaxed” depending on the context of the situation.
Simply walk away from the negotiation to signify your detached connection to the outcome.
Present your opponent with rock solid facts that they cannot argue against.
Delay the negotiation in order to build tension.
Paint a gloomy picture of an undesirable outcome.
Make the unimportant issues essential, then concede them at a later time with hesitation.
Create a plethora of alternate options and solutions.
Set the deadline for the negotiation. Do not allow your opponent to do this for you.
Allow 72 hours of solid thinking time before you agree to a negotiation.
Use silences effectively.
Negotiate using smaller chunks.

Future Pace Possible Scenarios Before Agreeing

Once you have more or less settled on a few potential options for a fair and favorable agreement, take some time to future-pace these outcomes in order to identify potential breakdowns, holes, weaknesses and drawbacks that may arise.

To do this, begin by asking yourself the following two questions:

If something could go wrong, what would?

How will I deal with this when it happens?

What NOT TO DO During a Negotiation

Negotiating a successful and favorable outcome very often rests upon not what you do during the negotiation, but rather upon what you refrain from doing.

The following list presents you with a set of simple yet very important guidelines of what not to do throughout the negotiation process:

Don’t Speak the Following Words

Words are a critical component of the communication process. Sometimes they are very important, that a few ill-thought-out words can spell your doom and break down the negotiation at a moment’s notice.

Here are a few words you should refrain from using throughout the negotiation process.

“If… Try… Hope… Should… Can’t… But…”

Each of these words has a negative or weak (in terms of self-esteem) connotation associated with it that may very well ruin your chances of attaining a favorable outcome.

Don’t Think Narrowly or in Absolutes

When we think narrowly in absolutes we see our opponent or the situation as being black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, clever or dumb, etc. We also limit our ability to think outside-the-box”.

We don’t necessarily have to have everything our way in order to walk away from the negotiation with a feeling of satisfaction. Sometimes we actually hurt the negotiation process by being unreasonably stubborn and unwilling to bend to the changing landscape of the negotiation.

It is not the most solid of trees that stands up to the brutal force of the winds, but rather the tree that is willing to bend and sway to the wind’s shifting directions.

This of course does not mean that the tree doesn’t stand it’s ground. On the contrary, it’s roots remain firmly entrenched into mother earth. However, because of it’s ability to sway with the forces of the winds, it is better able to deal with the changing weather patterns.

Don’t Accept Statements as Truth of Fact

No matter how much faith you have in your opponent, there is every chance that they will say and do things that will strengthen their position — while weakening yours — that may not be based on truth or fact.

As an effective negotiator you must be consciously vigilant to this possibility, and should therefore use effective questioning tactics to ensure that what your opponent is saying stands up to your critical thinking analysis.

Don’t Rush the Negotiation Process

Sometimes we rush negotiations so quickly that we simply do not have the time to identify potential opportunities for agreement that could benefit all parties involved within the negotiation process.

In such instances it is better to walk away from the negotiation, to gather your thoughts, and then step back into the negotiation at a later time with more clarity and ammunition that will help you attain a favorable outcome.

Don’t Miss the Bigger Picture

Negotiations can at times plateau into a discussion about ever expanding small irrelevant issues that simply don’t need to be resolved.

By getting lost in these insignificant details, we simply lose track of the bigger picture. What’s worse is that we simply don’t realize that by sorting out the bigger picture will efficiently resolve a whole plethora of smaller interconnected problems — effectively killing two birds with one stone.

Don’t Instigate Disagreement

No matter how much you like to argue and fight your personal point-of-view, the purpose of a negotiation is to reach a favorable resolution that is most ideal for all parties concerned.

It is simply not worth your time and effort to keep hitting your head against a brick wall if the wall is just going to stand its ground. Instead focus on building rapport with your opponent, on finding common ground, and on tackling shared problems that will lead to a satisfactory solution for all concerned.

Don’t Talk without Listening

When it comes to effective negotiations, there are times when we should be talking, and other times when we must listen and hear our opponent’s point-of-view.

Sometimes it can be so very easy for us to get caught up thinking about what we are going to say next while our opponent is stating their argument. This is a red flag and a suicide notice that will undoubtedly cause communication breakdowns and result in a failed outcome that doesn’t favor either party.

Don’t Corner Opponent

Finally, do you really want to back a lion into a corner? This is no doubt a very dangerous predicament.

Don’t ever back your opponent into a corner.

Even if you obtain your desired outcome using this tactic, your opponent may very well end up walking away from the negotiation with a feeling of emptiness. In such situations you may have lost more then you gained including trust, respect and a potential alliance that could bring you even greater rewards in the future.

Final Thoughts

Many inexperienced negotiators quickly jump to the conclusion that negotiation is nothing more than a process that requires a forceful and aggressive stance that subdues the other person into accepting their proposal or solution.

Negotiation is actually a delicate art that requires discipline, patience, and a deep seated understanding of yourself, your opponent and the subject and circumstances of your negotiation. It is in fact a gentle balancing act that must be carefully planned out and pieced together from the very beginning to allow both parties to walk away with a favorable win/win agreement.

How your brain decide, behave and interact?

What in the world are meta-programs?

Meta-programs are mental shortcuts that direct your decisions, behaviors, actions and interactions with others. They are internal representations of your external experience of reality. They determine how your brain pays attention to things and what it pays attention to. It’s a form of pattern recognition, where your brain attempts to sort through what the body is sensing and experiencing.

Meta-programs are like software applications for the brain where one software program controls the execution of a number of other programs. The software runs in the background and directs your thoughts, beliefs, values, memories and responses. Meta-programs are therefore mental programs that run our lives at an unconscious level of awareness. These mental programs determine how information is processed by deciding what to delete, distort, and/or to generalize from your experience.

How the brain processes information on a daily basis is based on the meta-programs that are currently running in the background. You use these meta-programs to sort and make sense of the world around you. Without them the world wouldn’t make much sense, however with them you are able to form your own beliefs, opinions and perspectives about your world, your life and your circumstances.

Meta-programs work on the basis of sorting. They operate by determining which of our perceptions are selected for attention and represented internally from among a vast array of inbound sensory data and a myriad of possibilities. In other words, meta-programs are processes used to sort what you pay attention to based on the information you filter-out from your environment. This filtering process helps guide and direct our thought processes, resulting in significant differences in behavior from person-to-person.

It’s important to note that exhibiting particular meta-programs in one specific context does not automatically imply that you will exhibit the same meta-programs within another context or situation. In fact, your meta-programs are never stable, and can change over time as you come across new information and expand your knowledge and understanding of your life and circumstances. Meta-programs can for instance change when you’re under heavy stress or experiencing other emotional difficulties. They are therefore never stable, but rather adaptive.

Meta-programs are neither negative nor positive. The meta-programs you use to perceive and interact with your world either work for you or they work against you. And whether or not they work for you depends on how you live your life based on your personal goals and objectives.

How useful are meta-programs?

Learning about meta-programs is valuable in three significant ways.

First of all, learning about meta-programs helps you to better understand yourself and your own psychological tendencies. How you make sense of the world, how you make decisions, how you interpret your life and circumstances, and how you interact with others will all begin to make sense once you understand the meta-programs that are running your brain. Meta-programs will also provide you with a great deal of insight into your values, beliefs, convictions, habits, behaviors, and self-sabotage patterns.

Secondly, for the same reasons mentioned above, meta-programs help you to better understand other people and their psychological tendencies. This is advantageous, because it will help you to adapt your behavior and approach while communicating with other people. These changes can improve your relationships with others by helping you to develop deeper levels or rapport and potentially influence people to your way of thinking. This becomes possible because meta-programs will provide you with insight into a person’s motivations. And once you understand their motivations, you will then have the key that will help you to influence their choices, decisions and actions.

Thirdly, understanding more about how you filter and sort information gives you a unique opportunity that other people who don’t know about meta-programs will never get. It gives you an opportunity to change, shift and transform your behavior in positive ways to help improve your beliefs, values, decisions, behaviors, habits, actions, and levels of motivation.

Identifying Your Meta-Programs

Identifying meta-programs within yourself or within other people does take practice and some effort. You must look for clues within a person’s speech/language, within their behavior, belief systems, and physiology. The clues will always be there, however they may be very subtle at times, and its very possible that a person may exhibit characteristics from two extremes. This means that within a specific meta-program where there are two possibilities, the person will exhibit both. In such instances they will be somewhere in the middle of the two polar-opposites.

When it comes to identifying your own meta-programs, it’s important to keep in mind how useful they are and how they are shaping your life and circumstances. It’s possible that once you work through the five meta-programs listed here that you will determine that they do not serve your greater good. If that’s the case, then it’s up to you to make the necessary changes that will help you improve your life and circumstances. To assist you with this process, ask yourself:

How useful and effective is this meta-program?

How is this meta-program shaping my life and circumstances?

Given my desired outcomes, is this helpful or hurtful?

Do I need to make any changes? Why? Why not?

Keep these questions in mind as you work through each of the five meta-programs outlined here.

Five Common Meta-Programs

There are many different types of meta-programs that could be discussed. In fact, there are over 50 different types of meta-programs that have been identified. However, this figure changes all the time as some meta-programs are merged with other similar meta-programs and new meta-programs are added to the list.

Learning about the different kinds of meta-programs is interesting, however there is a lot to learn, and it can take a bit of time to understand and process this information. Therefore instead of going through each of the 50+ meta-programs, let’s instead focus on five of the more common meta-programs that will help you to get a better understanding of yourself and others. These meta-programs are:

Frame of Reference sort
Self or Other sort
Match or Mismatch sort
Action sort
Necessity or Possibility sort

Let’s break down each of these five meta-programs, along with ideas that will help you to recognize them in others. Furthermore, we will also explore how you can potentially use this knowledge to build rapport, to motivate and to influence others to your way of thinking.

Frame of Reference Sort

The Frame of Reference sort can be either internal or external. Therefore a person can either have an internal frame-of-reference or an external frame-of-reference.

A person with an internal frame-of-reference is very intuitive and self-oriented. This means that they often make decisions based on personal feelings and opinions. They must feel within themselves that they’ve done a good job or made a good decision. Therefore, in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to talk about their experiences and allow them to make up their own mind about the issue at hand.

A person with an external frame-of-reference is very much focused on others. They are consistently seeking external answers and approval from others. As a result, they make decisions based on people’s opinions, perspectives and actions. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to provide them with your own suggestions, or talk about other people’s ideas and suggestions and how they can be of value in this situation.

Self or Other Sort

The Self or Other sort is based on how a person thinks about themselves in relation to others.

A person with more of a self-sort can be very self-centered and disassociated. They primarily make their decisions based on their own personal interests — based on what’s “in it for them” in any particular situation. Therefore, in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to look at ways you can meet their needs. You must help them make a decision based on satisfying their own needs, wants and desires.

A person with more of an other-sort is often very curious and focused on the needs of other people. Therefore before they make any kind of decision, they will often think of what’s in it for others and how others will benefit from this decision. They will in essence put other people’s needs ahead of their own. Therefore, in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to focus your conversation on the needs of others. Outline the benefits that other people will gain from this situation and how this could potentially improve their lives.

Matcher or Mismatcher Sort

A Matcher or Mismatcher sort is based on how much sameness or difference a person finds in any situation. This sort also effectively determines how much a person will agree or disagree with you throughout a conversation.

A person with more of a matcher sort is often optimistic, very approving, and tends to look for similarities and common ground while conversing with others. They therefore base their decisions on the similarities they see in others, in circumstances, and in life. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to listen intently and find common ground. Mirroring their experiences, beliefs, values and perceptions will help you to develop a strong emotional bond and greater levels of rapport.

A person with more of a mismatcher sort often tends to go against the grain. They tend to find faults in things, in circumstances, and in others. They always look for differences and will tend to disagree with you no matter what you do or say. Therefore, in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to become proficient at using reverse psychology.

Action Sort

An Action sort can either be reflective or active. A person will prefer to reflect before taking action or they will rather take action before thinking about things.

A person with more of a reflective sort is often introverted. They will rarely take immediate decisive action to get something done. Instead, they must think and reflect upon what they are about to do before taking action. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to allow them time and space to reflect upon the decision they are about to make. Without this time and space they will feel threatened and might resist taking action.

A person with more of an active sort is often extroverted. They don’t like to think about what they are going to do before doing it. Instead, they will just jump into things head-first without much thought — working things out as they go along. Therefore, in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to get them to take decisive action. Encouraging constant involvement will keep them motivated and enthusiastic about the task at hand.

Necessity or Possibility Sort

The Necessity or Possibility sort is based on whether a person makes decisions based on necessity or primarily based on possibility.

A person with more of a necessity sort often settles for what life gives them. They primarily make decisions that are based on avoiding pain. They will settle for what’s available and don’t care much about options or varied experiences. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to focus on making them feel secure and comfortable with their decisions. Provide them with something that’s familiar, easy and safe.

A person with more of a possibility sort often seeks variety and opportunity. They primarily make decisions that are based on gaining pleasure. They therefore don’t like to settle, but rather go for what they really want in life. They are motivated to look for possibilities that will help them expand their opportunities. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to focus on presenting them with challenges; informing them about the risks that they will need to take to get what they want, and the inevitable opportunities that will be available once they take positive action.

Bonus: Toward or Away-From Sort

This is a bonus meta-program that isn’t included on the accompanying IQ Matrix. However, it can be of great value as it is based on the pain and pleasure principle.

The Towards or Away-from sort is based on whether a person’s energy is centered on goals/achievement or on problems that must be dealt with.

A person with a toward sort is primarily focused on the attainment of their goals. They tend to be good at managing priorities and are always clear about what it is they want out of life. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to focus their mind on the process of goal achievement. Inform them about the importance of achieving specific goals and outcomes and how this will benefit them long-term.

A person with an away-from sort is primarily focused on problems and/or the things that must be avoided before moving forward. They are good at troubleshooting, solving problems and pinpointing possible obstacles. They may set goals, however they have difficulty prioritizing their actions and are often distracted trying to fix crisis situations. Therefore in order to influence, motivate and build rapport with this person you will need to present them with a problem that needs to get fixed and then hold them accountable for solving this problem.

Changing Your Meta-Programs

Changing meta-programs seems simple on the surface. It basically requires that you shift how you process the world around you. All this requires is a conscious shift in perspective. However, this process may not be as easy as it sounds, due to internal resistance.

You might for instance want to change a meta-program, however this meta-program may very well have been ingrained into your psyche from a young age. It has become a habit-of-mind that is being supported by a set of beliefs and convictions. Furthermore, this meta-program might be supporting your core values and needs. If that’s the case then you will certainly need to take into account all the consequences that could result from making this change.

Reasons to Change a Meta-Program

The reason why you might want to change a meta-program could be because your current meta-programs don’t serve you or simply don’t support the goals that you are trying to achieve. For instance, you could be working at a job where an Away-sort is required. However, you have a Toward-sort. You are therefore very goal oriented but find it very difficult to spot problems and errors. And if you’re a proofreader or part of the crisis department team, then this can obviously become a little problematic.

Another example could be that you are in a relationship with a person who is a Matcher-sort, however you’re a Mismatcher-sort. They will therefore look for similarities and common ground within the relationship, while you will tend to find faults, to disagree and go against the grain. This might cause a lot of unnecessary stress and tension within your relationship. Both of you obviously love and care deeply for one another, however it’s difficult to reach any sort of agreement if you have conflicting meta-programs getting in the way.

These are just two of many reasons why changing your meta-programs can be helpful. You will of course need to have a very good understanding of yourself, your situation, and of other people involved within the situation in order to determine the best path moving forward. And this is something that must be left in your hands. You need to have the self-awareness and understanding that will help you to first pinpoint the conflicts, and then to make the necessary adjustments to change yourself and improve your circumstances.

As you work your way through this process, be sure to take your time, and to delve into the consequences of this change and how it could potentially impact your life, the lives of others, and your circumstances. This is certainly not something that should be rushed. It’s rather something that requires a lot of careful thought and attention.

Step One

Your very first step is to identify the meta-program that you would like to change. Ask yourself:

What meta-program would I like to change? Describe it.

How do I use this meta-program?

In what specific situations do I use this meta-program?

With whom do I use this meta-program?

Why do I use this meta-program?

How does this meta-program not serve me in these situations?

Could it potentially serve me in certain situations and not in others?

Does it provide me with any benefits that I would like to preserve?

Your current meta-program may very well serve you in some way. There might actually be benefits that you will lose if you make these changes. As such, it’s important to consider ways you could potentially preserve these benefits moving forward through this process.

Step Two

Your next step is to pinpoint the meta-program that you would prefer to use instead. Ask yourself:

What meta-program would I like to use instead? Describe it.

How and in what situations would I like to use this meta-program?

How will this meta-program potentially serve me?

What will it allow me to do? How is this of value?

Step Three

Test the new meta-program by simulating in your minds-eye how you will use it in a variety of ways to help you attain your desired outcomes. Fully associate yourself within this experience using all your sensory organs. While there, ask yourself:

How does this meta-program feel?

What does it look like?

What does it seem like?

What specific thoughts do I have about it?

What does it feel like to use it daily?

Do I feel excitement, satisfaction, discomfort, pain?

As you work through these questions, imagine yourself in different situations using this meta-program. It’s important that this new meta-program serves you within these specific situations or else there might be conflicts, and as a result you will fail to make the necessary long-term changes.

Step Four

Now it’s time to step-away from yourself and view this meta-program (this change you would like to make) from an outsider’s perspective. No longer are you viewing this change from within yourself, but rather outside yourself. From this perspective ask yourself:

What do I notice about myself?

What do I notice about the changes that I am making?

How are these changes affecting me?

What will these changes allow me to do, to be, to experience, and to have?

How do these changes affect or influence my current beliefs, values and convictions?

What am I able to do as a result of these changes? Why is this important?

What might I be no longer able to do as a result of these changes?

How does this change affect me, my life, and others in the short and long-term?

What are the positive and negative consequences of this change?

Step Five

Having spent time outside yourself, it’s now time to step back inside yourself and ask yourself one more very important question:

Does any part of me object to this change that I am about to make?

It’s very possible that you might have conflicting beliefs, values and/or convictions. It might also be possible that the current meta-program actually serves you in some way. Your mind is now resisting this change because you are about to lose something that has been serving you all this time. In such instances it’s important that you think about ways you can preserve the benefits of the current meta-program while making the change to the new meta-program. You must therefore address these conflicts and incongruities before continuing with this process.

One way you can address these conflicts and incongruities is to reframe your circumstances. Reframing involves shifting how you think about things in order to change how you feel about them. This will depend on your particular circumstances and does require some resourcefulness and insight.

You can for instance reframe your circumstances by offering counter examples, by using metaphors, by redefining your experience, by changing time frames, or by playing around with your perspectives. As an example you might for instance question the validity of your old meta-program. Yes your old meta-program might provide you with some benefits that you think you need, however that might not be entirely true. What you need might actually be what you want. And what you want isn’t necessarily what’s required in this situation. Therefore by offering yourself some counter examples, you are effectively subduing the resistance you are experiencing.

Step Six

Finally, make a conscious agreement with yourself that you will install this new meta-program. However, for this to work, you must have the necessary commitment, motivation and the desire to follow through with this new meta-program until it becomes a new habit-of-mind that no longer requires any thought and attention. Without this commitment, motivation and desire you will fail to follow through on your word and will fall back into old patterns. It’s therefore paramount that you practice this meta-program in real life as well as in your imagination until it becomes comfortable and familiar. Only then will you develop the necessary momentum you need to make lasting change work for you in the long-run.

How to create ideas

Creating ideas is essential to thrive in this fast-changing world. It puts you ahead of the pack. The problem is: how do we create ideas?

1. Look hard for ideas

People weren’t finding dinosaur bones, and they assumed that it was because they were rare. But””and almost everything that Myhrvold has been up to during the past half decade follows from this fact””it was our fault. We didn’t look hard enough.

This lesson resonates with me. I do look for ideas, but I don’t look hard enough. It’s easy to expect big ideas to come with only moderate effort, but that is unlikely to happen.

2. Ask challenging questions

One rainy day last November, Myhrvold held an “invention session,” as he calls such meetings, on the technology of self-assembly. What if it was possible to break a complex piece of machinery into a thousand pieces and then, at some predetermined moment, have the machine put itself back together again?

Self-assembly is a challenging problem. Personally I don’t have the slightest clue of how it could be done. But such challenging problems are where big ideas reside.

I think this point goes hand in hand with lesson #1: we must look hard for ideas and one way to do so is by asking challenging questions.

3. Find partners

‘But you had eight people in that room who are seasoned inventors. Weren’t you expecting a multiplier effect?’ … ‘Yeah, but it was more than multiplicity.’

You will generate much more ideas when you brainstorm with other people than when you are alone. It increases the number of ideas exponentially. Of course, it’s important to brainstorm with the right people

4. Do your homework

“Nathan sent over a hundred scientific papers beforehand,” Gates said of the last such meeting. “The amount of reading was huge. But it was fantastic.”

I’ve learned about the importance of preparation before, but I underestimated the amount of preparation required to create big ideas. Bill Gates was sent over a hundred scientific papers just forone meeting. That’s a whole new level of preparation! This is also an application of looking hard for ideas (lesson #1).

5. Be observant

How did Wood come to this conclusion? He had run across a stray fact in a recent issue of The New England Journal of Medicine.

Wood looked at just one fact overlooked by many other people and that fact led him to a brilliant idea. Similarly, we should always be observant. Things that look trivial on the surface may actually contain the seed of big ideas.

6. Expect ideas anytime

“It was a long dinner. I thought we were lightly chewing the rag. But the next day the attorney comes up with eight single-spaced pages flagging thirty-six different inventions from dinner. Dinner.”

Even the most unexpected moments can give us big ideas if we are attentive enough to recognize them. So open your eyes in the unlikely moments as well.

7. Know the giants

This phenomenon of simultaneous discovery””what science historians call “multiples”””turns out to be extremely common… the sheer number of multiples could mean only one thing: scientific discoveries must, in some sense, be inevitable. They must be in the air, products of the intellectual climate of a specific time and place.

You must familiarize yourself with the current intellectual climate so that you are well-positioned to invent the ‘inevitable’ new ideas. This is why doing your homework (lesson #4) is essential.

As Newton said, you should “stand on the shoulders of giants”. You’d better know the giants well so that you can stand on their shoulders.

8. Be flexible

“There really aren’t any rules,” he told everyone. “We may start out talking about refined plastics and end up talking about shoes, and that’s O.K.”

Ideas often come from unexpected directions, so it’s important to be flexible enough to change course as necessary. If we insist on taking the direction we want, we may lose big opportunities that pass us by.

9. Have diverse interests

A person who has interests in as diverse fields as quantum cosmology, computer, paleontology, and cooking. No wonder he is so rich with ideas. Ideas from all those diverse fields can create something new. Besides, having diverse interests can help you look at things with fresh perspectives.

10. Meet people from different backgrounds

They had different backgrounds and temperaments and perspectives, and if you gave them something to think about that they did not ordinarily think about””like hurricanes, or jet engines, or metastatic cancer””you were guaranteed a fresh set of eyes.

While having diverse interests yourself is good, meeting people from different backgrounds is an even more effective way to increase the cross-pollination of ideas. As stated in lesson #3, the effect could be more than multiplicity.

11. Move on when ideas fail

If ideas are cheap, there is no point in making predictions, or worrying about failures, or obsessing, like Newton and Leibniz, or Bell and Gray, over who was first… If I.V.’s design wasn’t the best, Myhrvold had two thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine other ideas to pursue.

Why should you waste your time defending a failing idea when you still have so many other opportunities to pursue? The opportunity costs are significant here. Since ideas are not rare, the time you use to defend a failing idea can give better results if you just move on to other promising ideas.

The Ten Characteristics of Effective Problem Solvers

Why is it that some people seem to be natural born problem solvers? Look closer, and you’ll discover that problem solving is much more of a skill than an art. You, too, can become an effective problem solver for your real estate business and your family if you learn to develop these proven techniques.

1. They have a “can do” attitude!

Simply expressed, effective problem solvers see problems as opportunities, a chance to learn something new, to grow, to succeed where others have failed, or to prove that “it can be done”. Underlying this attitude is a deeply held conviction that, with adequate preparation, the right answer will emerge.

2. They re-define the problem. Problem solving is a primary consulting skill. Seasoned consultants know that the initial definition of the problem very often is incorrect or incomplete. They learn to dig deeper and follow their own instincts. In describing the problem, they strenuously avoid making premature judgments or ruling out possibilities.

3. They have a system.

Problem solving is a process. Perhaps the most common model is Describe, Analyze, Conclude, and Recommend/Solve (DACR/S). As with many structured approaches, its usefulness stems from the step-by-step approach it represents. Effective problem solvers take the steps in order and apply them literally.

4. They consider every position as though it were their own.

For effective problem solvers, standing in the other person’s shoes is more than a cute saying, it’s a fundamental way of looking at the problem. This ability to shift perspectives quickly and easily is a key characteristic of effective problem solvers. As one especially capable consultant put it, “I take the other fellow’s position, and then I expand upon it until I understand it better than he does”. Most Realtors would be much more effective if they took the time to build relationships with the client and see things from their vantage point.

5. They avoid the experience trap.

The world is becoming increasingly non- linear. Things happen in pairs and groups and often don’t follow traditional lines from past to present and cause to effect. In such an environment, past experience must be taken with a grain of salt. Seasoned problem solvers know the pitfalls of relying on what worked in the past as a guide to what will work in the future. They learn to expect the unexpected, illogical, and non- linear.

6. They recognize conflict as often a prerequisite to solution.

When the stakes are high in a problem situation, the parties are often reluctant to show their hands and cautious about giving away too much. In such instances, effective problem solvers can effectively use their skills to manage conflict and flush out the “real” facts.

7. They listen to their intuition.

Somewhere during the latter stages of the fact-finding process, effective problem solvers experience what can be best called, “inklings” or gut-level feelings about the situation. When this happens, they listen, hypothesize, test and re-test. While intuition may be partially innate, directing and focusing their intuition can prove an effective problem solving skill that can be developed.

8. They invariably go beyond “solving the problem”.

On a time scale, just solving the problem at hand brings you to the present, to a point you might call, ground-zero. Truly effective problem solvers push farther. They go beyond simply solving the problem to discover the underlying opportunities that often lie concealed within the intricacies of the situation. Implicit in this approach is the premise that every problem is an opportunity in disguise.

9. They seek permanent solutions.

Permanent, as opposed to Band-Aid solutions, have two characteristics: (1) they address all aspects of the problem, and (2) they are win/win in that they offer acceptable benefits to all parties involved. Symptomatic problem solving, like bad surgery or dentistry, leaves part of the decay untouched, with the result that, over time, it festers and often comes back to bite you.

10. They gain commitment from all parties involved.

In the rush to find “the answer” it is easy to fail to gain agreement and commitment on the part of everyone involved. For effective problem solvers, just “going along” via tacit agreement isn’t enough. There must be explicit statements from all parties that they concur and are willing to commit to the solution

Treating Depression in Patients With Diabetes : Quick Hints

(1) Psychological symptoms of depression in patients with diabetes are more specific to depression than their somatic counterparts

(2) Specificity of the somatic symptoms of depression is increased when the somatic symptoms are severe, start concomitantly with depressed mood or anhedonia, are unrelated to diabetes, or appear out of proportion to what is expected

(3) Consider the use of scales such as the BDI and PHQ-9 to help diagnose and guide treatment of depression over time

(4) Initiate cognitive screening early as both diabetes and depression have been linked to earlier onset of dementia

(5) Even mild depressive disorder is associated with adverse outcomes in diabetics, so consider treatment of major depression at all severity levels

(6) CBT

with an emphasis on diabetes self care maybe one of the best treatments

(7) When choosing an antidepressant, remember to assess the patient for complications or long-term effects of diabetes and consider bupropion, venlafaxine, or duloxetine before an SSRI when appropriate

(8) Dual acting agents

(Venlafaxin, Duloxetine, Desvenlafaxin) are generally a better choice than TCAs or older medications

(9) Engage primary care physicians

in the care of patients with comorbid depression and diabetes as both diseases exert adverse effects on the other; optimum care involves treatment of both disorders

Hints On managing Obsessive symptoms in Schizophrenic Patient

Insight:

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) with poor insight should be considered a severe form of OCD and not be mistaken for a primary psychotic disorder; a careful history is required to ascertain for insight in previous OCD exacerbations

• OCD with poor insight may respond to treatment with an SSRI without the addition of an adjunctive antipsychotic, or preferentially to adjunctive antipsychotic added to an SSRI ; because some individuals with OCD take longer to respond to SSRIs, a therapeutic trial of an SSRI at optimized dosages for at least 8 to 12 weeks should be tried before the addition of adjunctive antipsychotic medication

Primary OCD Vs Secondary to atypicals:

• Primary OCD should be distinguished from de novo obsessive-compulsive sympoms (OCS) induced by atypical antipsychotics/serotonin-dopamine antagonists (SDAs); this highlights the importance of a careful history rather than mere cross-sectional examination

Evaluate Before Medication :

• Persons with schizophrenia should be evaluated for OCS/OCD before starting or switching to an SDA and monitored prospectively for the emergence of de novo OCS

Manage Induced Obsessive Symptoms:•

SDA-induced OCS may be dose-dependent; in managing treatment emergent OCS, whether to reduce the SGA dose, switch to a different antipsychotic, or continue the atypical antipsychotic and treat the de novo OCS is a matter of clinical judgment; the decision should entail a risk/benefit analysis that considers the degree of antipsychotic response to the SGA and the severity of treatment emergent OCS, among other factors

If Pure OCD is Co- Morbid with Schizophrenia:

• As with pure OCD, OCD comorbid with schizophrenia may respond to treatment with an SSRI and/or adjunctive cognitive-behavioral therapy; first-line treatment for patients who meet criteria for both disorders consists of an antipsychotic and an SSRI

Thinking in advance

1. Beware of your thoughts

Our best friends and our worst enemies are our thoughts. A thought can do us more good than a doctor or a banker or a faithful friend. It can also do us more harm than a brick.
Frank Crane

Our mind is a double-edged sword. If we fill it with positive thoughts, it will lead us to a productive and fruitful life. But, if we fill it with negative thoughts, it will lead us to a defeated, inferior life. So watch your thoughts and be careful not to let negative thoughts occupy your mind.

2. Go beyond mere reading

Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare.
Harriet Martineau

It’s easy to read, but it’s not easy to think about what we read and act upon it. That’s why very few people experience what the books’ authors write. If we want to be productive, we should go beyond just being readers to being thinkers and doers.

3. Think more

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw

Most people do not make conscious effort to think more, but those who do will reap the fruit. While many people spend a lot of time for other aspects of their lives such as their occupation and hobbies, only a few people consciously spend time for thinking.

4. Think at higher level

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein

5. Be curious

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious
Albert Einstein

Curiosity is an essential ingredient of great thinking. It gives you a strong desire to know more than most people and makes the journey fun.

6. Be persistent

I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.
Albert Einstein

Thinking requires perseverance. More often than not, we can’t get the desired results as soon as we want it. The road to discovery is long, and only with persistence can we hope to reach the destination.

7. State problems the right way

The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.
Bertrand Russell

Many people recognize great thinkers through their ability to solve problems, but great thinkers are first of all good at formulating problems. It is their ability to formulate problems that allows them to find elegant solutions.

Hammurabi in Babylon changed the course of history by asking the right question when dealing with the problem of water. Instead of asking how to get the people to the water, he asked how to get the water to the people. This led to canals. The rest is history.

8. Emphasize imagination

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
Albert Einstein

Many people pursue knowledge, but great thinkers emphasize imagination. While knowledge allows us to make incremental improvements, imagination opens the way for fresh breakthroughs.

9. Use intuition

The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why.
Albert Einstein

It might be surprising, but rational thinking is not always the best way to think; intuition often gives us better solution. I often experience this myself. After thinking rationally for some time and not finding a solution, I just leave the problem or sleep on it, and all of a sudden a solution leaps into my mind. Not only is this process less laborious, it often gives me ideas with higher quality.

10. Dare to be different

It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
G.H. Hardy

Great thinkers dare to be different and therefore they think differently. Rather than just following what other people do, they move beyond it and go up to a whole new level. Look at your situation and ask yourself: what is the conventional wisdom for your situation? Then don’t do it, move beyond it instead. This is easier said than done, but that’s what the great thinkers do.

How to win friends and influence people

How to Handle People

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Arouse in people an eager want.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

One of the primary areas that Dale Carnegie focuses on is our ability to handle people effectively under different conditions and circumstances. He points out that we must never criticize, condemn or complain. The moment we indulge in these destructive verbal habits, is the moment we begin to lose the trust and respect of others.

Nobody likes to be criticized or condemned for doing or not doing something — and as much as we might not like to admit it, when we hear others complaining we often roll our eyes the other way.

Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment. — Dale Carnegie

Arouse an Eager Want

In order to influence people to our way of thinking Dale Carnegie points out that we must arouse in them an eager want. In other words, we must determine what motivates and inspires them to take action or make a specific decision, and then focus our efforts on bringing these things to the surface.

For obvious reasons, it’s difficult to imagine that we could consistently build strong relationships with people by complaining and criticizing them whenever they don’t agree with our point-of-view. However, when we arouse within them an eager “want”, and focus on the things that will help motivate them to take action, then at that moment the game changes and we begin to gain influence over their decisions and actions.

Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation. — Dale Carnegie

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Give the other person consistent honest and sincere appreciation for their efforts, time, energy and skills — even for the smallest of things.

When others feel that they are appreciated long-term, they exude a different zest for life. This new found motivation subsequently moves them to take action and helps us to better influence their choices and decisions. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between honest and sincere appreciation and downright flattery.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. — Dale Carnegie

Making People Like You

Remember to smile.
Use the person’s name often.
Listen well and encourage people to speak first and often.
Become genuinely interested in people.
Always make people feel important.
Always talk about people’s interests.

It’s difficult to build strong bonds and relationships with people long-term if they simply don’t like you. Sometimes people get off on the wrong foot and can’t get along, while at other times they tend to click the instant they meet. Why is that? How does this work? Dale Carnegie has a few answers.

Remember to Smile

First of all Dale Carnegie points out that a smile can win over just about anyone’s heart. When we smile we will often receive smiles in return because others see us as being friendly and approachable. Likewise, a sincere smile can also help us gain the trust of others. It is in essence the first step towards personal influence.

I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace. — Dale Carnegie

Use a Person’s Name Often

Another important component Dale Carnegie discusses that helps us build a sense of trust and respect while conversing with others, is our willingness to use the other person’s name during conversation.

Have you ever been within a room full of people absorbed in a one-to-one conversation, when suddenly you hear someone from the other side of the room faintly call your name. Immediately your attention leaves the conversation and instead focuses on the name you think you heard. The reason this happens is because your name is your calling-cards. It’s an “attention grabber” that focuses you on what’s most important.

Dale Carnegie points out that we should use another person’s names throughout our interactions with them on a consistent basis. However, it’s also important to remember not to overdo a good thing.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. — Dale Carnegie

Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage. — Dale Carnegie

Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

It is said that the person listening and asking the questions controls the conversation. In fact, Dale Carnegie points out that by simply listening, by asking questions and encouraging the other person to speak, that he could within a very short period of time gain their trust and respect.

Dale Carnegie also points out that the key to listening is derived from our genuine show-of interest in the lives of other people. This is important, because if you come across as being insincere during conversation, then the other person will pick this up, and you will therefore lose favor in their eyes.

I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. — Dale Carnegie

Always Make People Feel Important

Another way to improve your “likeability factor” is to make people feel important. Dale Carnegie points out that you can do this very easily by talking about people’s interests, then congratulating them on their accomplishments, successes and victories. You can even make another person feel important when they talk about their problems and concerns. Simply help shift their perspective and encourage them to see that their failures are at the same time their greatest opportunities for success.

When you make a person feel important, a wave of confidence floods over their entire body and as a result your “likeability factor” increases.

In reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air. — Dale Carnegie

Winning People Over

Allow people to feel that ideas and suggestions are theirs.
Get people saying Yes, Yes and Yes immediately and by asking questions.
Begin in a friendly way.
See things from people’s point of view.
Admit when you are wrong quickly and emphatically.
Dramatize your ideas.
Avoid arguments and telling a person when they are wrong.
Avoid talking negatively when people are absent.

Winning others over to our way of thinking isn’t about persuasion. It’s rather about subtle influence that arouses in the other person certain feelings that naturally allow them to be influenced by what we do or say.

See Things from People’s Point of View

Influence often begins when we start seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Many times we can become so absorbed in our own opinions, beliefs, values, attitudes and perspectives that we fail to see through the fog of our own thinking. We interpret what others are saying based on our own psychology and patterns of conditioning. As a result we fail to really understand the other person.

To avoid this trap, we must begin seeing things from the other person’s point of view; we must step into their shoes and understand the situation from their perspective. Only then can we begin to build long-term rapport.

Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” — Dale Carnegie

Admit When You Are Wrong

We are all human, and as human beings we tend to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and as a result we tend to distrust those who seem a little too good to be true. This likewise affects how we view others and how much of our trust we give them. On the other hand when we see people being real, making mistakes and learning from those mistakes, we tend to appreciate their transparency and this helps us relate to them on a deeper level. We must therefore occasionally take time to admit our mistakes and point out to others the lessons we have learned as a result of these errors.

An argument would have begun to steam and boil and sputter — and you know how arguments end. Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in. — Dale Carnegie

Avoid Arguments at all Costs

One thing I have learned over time is that arguing with another person rarely (if ever) leads to positive relations. After an argument there is always some remorse and some tension on both sides of the fence — even when people have forgiven each other.

It is said that the weak man chooses to argue, while the wise man chooses instead to find common ground. This “common ground” is what builds the foundations for agreement.

Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? — Dale Carnegie

Don’t Tell People that they are Wrong

When trying to relate to someone it’s important to be aware of resistance triggers. These are things that you say or do that automatically make another person feel uncomfortable within your presence. One of these triggers is telling someone that they are wrong. This immediately puts the person on the defensive and destroys any rapport you may have built over time.

We must realize that everyone makes mistakes. Therefore should it be our responsibility to point these mistakes out? How will that affect our relationship with them? Is their opinion worth challenging? Or is it irrelevant and unnecessary? These are questions we must continuously keep at the forefront of our minds while conversing with others.

You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words — and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. — Dale Carnegie

Get the Other Person Saying “Yes”

Finally, one of the sneaky techniques that Dale Carnegie brought up in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People is to begin a conversation in a friendly way and then get the other person saying yes… yes… yes… immediately by asking questions. By getting a person into a positive frame of mind helps to build long-term rapport, trust and agreement.

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. — Dale Carnegie

Becoming a Leader

Talk about personal mistakes first before criticizing others.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Allow people to save face.
Avoid giving direct orders, and instead ask questions when delegating.
Give people a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement whenever possible.
Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement people make.
Make people’s faults seem easy to correct.
Make people happy to do as you ask.

How to Win Friends and Influence People is not only about building relationships, it’s also very much about being an effective leader of people. This type of leadership stems from our ability to gain the trust and respect of those who follow us. This naturally begins when we start applying everything discussed thus far within this article.

Do Not Give Direct Orders — Ask Questions Instead

One of the core fundamental techniques that I give a lot of attention to as a life skills coach is the process of asking effective questions.

Knowing how to ask effective questions is as important to life coaching as it is to our interactions with other people. In fact, Dale Carnegie points out that while delegating we must not give direct orders, but instead ask questions that will help encourage others to do as we ask.

Carefully crafted questions will help the person see the importance of the task at hand, and will encourage them to take action and responsibility for their assignment.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. — Dale Carnegie

Give People a Fine Reputation to Live Up to

Another important element that Dale Carnegie discusses is to give people a fine reputation to live up to. This becomes critical when we hear that people tend to live up to the expectations of others. Therefore when we raise our expectations of those who follow us, we tend to also raise their level of confidence in themselves and their own abilities, which subsequently tends to improve their results, effectiveness and efficiency throughout the day.

Praise the Slightest Improvement

Finally, Dale Carnegie mentions that it’s important to give the other person feedback about the improvements they’ve made over time — no matter how small or insignificant they seem on the surface. Yes, they might have made mistakes along the way, however as a leader you show people that their weaknesses and errors are actually only temporary and easy to correct in the long-run. Better yet, talk about your own mistakes and inadequacies first, and show them that even people in positions of power aren’t perfect. This helps build rapport and trust while showing the other person that errors of judgment can be easily corrected if we learn from our circumstances.

In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain spect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. […] And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned. — Dale Carnegie

Secret to Amazing Problem Solving (and 10 Specific Ways You Can Use It)

Einstein is quoted as having said that if he had one hour to save the world he would spend fifty-five minutes defining the problem and only five minutes finding the solution.

This quote does illustrate an important point: before jumping right into solving a problem, we should step back and invest time and effort to improve our understanding of it. Here are 10 strategies you can use to see problems from many different perspectives and master what is the most important step in problem solving: clearly defining the problem in the first place!

The Problem Is To Know What the Problem Is

The definition of the problem will be the focal point of all your problem-solving efforts. As such, it makes sense to devote as much attention and dedication to problem definition as possible. What usually happens is that as soon as we have a problem to work on we’re so eager to get to solutions that we neglect spending any time refining it.

What most of us don’t realize — and what supposedly Einstein might have been alluding to — is that the quality of the solutions we come up with will be in direct proportion to the quality of the description of the problem we’re trying to solve. Not only will your solutions be more abundant and of higher quality, but they’ll be achieved much, much more easily. Most importantly, you’ll have the confidence to be tackling a worthwhile problem.

Problem Definition Tools and Strategies

The good news is that getting different perspectives and angles in order to clearly define a problem is a skill that can be learned and developed. As such, there are many strategies you can use to perfect it. Here are the 10 most effective ones I know.

1. Rephrase the Problem

When a Toyota executive asked employees to brainstorm “ways to increase their productivity”, all he got back were blank stares. When he rephrased his request as “ways to make their jobs easier”, he could barely keep up with the amount of suggestions.

Words carry strong implicit meaning and, as such, play a major role in how we perceive a problem. In the example above, ‘be productive’ might seem like a sacrifice you’re doing for the company, while ‘make your job easier’ may be more like something you’re doing for your own benefit, but from which the company also benefits. In the end, the problem is still the same, but the feelings — and the points of view — associated with each of them are vastly different.

Play freely with the problem statement, rewording it several times. For a methodic approach, take single words and substitute variations. ‘Increase sales’? Try replacing ‘increase’ with ‘attract’, ‘develop’, ‘extend’, ‘repeat’ and see how your perception of the problem changes.

2. Expose and Challenge Assumptions

Every problem — no matter how apparently simple it may be — comes with a long list of assumptions attached. Many of these assumptions may be inaccurate and could make your problem statement inadequate or even misguided.

The first step to get rid of bad assumptions is to make them explicit. Write a list and expose as many assumptions as you can — especially those that may seem the most obvious and ‘untouchable’.

That, in itself, brings more clarity to the problem at hand. But go further and test each assumption for validity: think in ways that they might not be valid and their consequences. What you will find may surprise you: that many of those bad assumptions are self-imposed — with just a bit of scrutiny you are able to safely drop them.

For example, suppose you’re about to enter the restaurant business. One of your assumptions might be ‘restaurants have a menu’. While such an assumption may seem true at first, try challenging it and maybe you’ll find some very interesting business models (such as one restaurant in which customers bring dish ideas for the chef to cook, for example).

3. Chunk Up

Each problem is a small piece of a greater problem. In the same way that you can explore a problem laterally — such as by playing with words or challenging assumptions — you can also explore it at different “altitudes”.

If you feel you’re overwhelmed with details or looking at a problem too narrowly, look at it from a more general perspective. In order to make your problem more general, ask questions such as: “What’s this a part of?”, “What’s this an example of?” or “What’s the intention behind this?”.

Another approach that helps a lot in getting a more general view of a problem is replacing words in the problem statement withhypernyms. Hypernyms are words that have a broader meaning than the given word. (For example, a hypernym of ‘car’ is ‘vehicle’). A great, free tool for finding hypernyms for a given word is wordnet (just search for a word and click on the ‘S:’ label before the word definitions).

4. Chunk Down

If each problem is part of a greater problem, it also means that each problem is composed of many smaller problems. It turns out that decomposing a problem in many smaller problems — each of them more specific than the original — can also provide greater insights about it.

‘Chunking the problem down’ (making it more specific) is especially useful if you find the problem overwhelming or daunting.

Some of the typical questions you can ask to make a problem more specific are: “What are parts of this?” or “What are examples of this?”.

5. Find Multiple Perspectives

Before rushing to solve a problem, always make sure you look at it from different perspectives. Looking at it with different eyes is a great way to have instant insight on new, overlooked directions.

For example, if you own a business and are trying to ‘increase sales’, try to view this problem from the point of view of, say, a customer. For example, from the customer’s viewpoint, this may be a matter of adding features to your product that one would be willing to pay more for.

Rewrite your problem statement many times, each time using one of these different perspectives. How would your competition see this problem? Your employees? Your mom?

Also, imagine how people in various roles would frame the problem. How would a politician see it? A college professor? A nun? Try to find the differences and similarities on how the different roles would deal with your problem.

6. Use Effective Language Constructs

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for properly crafting the perfect problem statement, but there are some language constructs that always help making it more effective:

Assume a myriad of solutions. An excellent way to start a problem statement is:“In what ways might I…”. This expression is much superior to “How can I…” as it hints that there’s a multitude of solutions, and not just one — or maybe none. As simple as this sounds, the feeling of expectancy helps your brain find solutions.
Make it positive. Negative sentences require a lot more cognitive power to process and may slow you down — or even derail your train of thought. Positive statements also help you find the real goal behind the problem and, as such, are much more motivating.
For example: instead of finding ways to ‘quit smoking’, you may find that ‘increase your energy’, ‘live longer’ and others are much more worthwhile goals.
Frame your problem in the form of a question. Our brain loves questions. If the question is powerful and engaging, our brains will do everything within their reach to answer it. We just can’t help it: Our brains will start working on the problem immediately and keep working in the background, even when we’re not aware of it.
If you’re still stuck, consider using the following formula for phrasing your problem statement:
“In what ways (action) (object) (qualifier) (end result)?”
Example: In what ways might I package (action) my book (object) more attractively (qualifier) so people will buy more of it (end result)?

7. Make It Engaging

In addition to using effective language constructs, it’s important to come up with a problem statement that truly excites you so you’re in the best frame of mind for creatively tackling the problem. If the problem looks too dull for you, invest the time adding vigor to it while still keeping it genuine. Make it enticing. Your brain will thank (and reward) you later.

One thing is to ‘increase sales’ (boring), another one is ‘wow your customers’. One thing is ‘to create a personal development blog’, another completely different is to ‘empower readers to live fully’.

8. Reverse the Problem

One trick that usually helps when you’re stuck with a problem is turning it on its head.

If you want to win, find out what would make you lose. If you are struggling finding ways to ‘increase sales’, find ways to decrease them instead. Then, all you need to do is reverse your answers. ‘Make more sales calls’ may seem an evident way of increasing sales, but sometimes we only see these ‘obvious’ answers when we look at the problem from an opposite direction.

This seemingly convoluted method may not seem intuitive at first, but turning a problem on its head can uncover rather obvious solutions to the original problem.

9. Gather Facts

Investigate causes and circumstances of the problem. Probe details about it — such as its origins and causes. Especially if you have a problem that’s too vague, investigating facts is usually more productive than trying to solve it right away.

If, for example, the problem stated by your spouse is “You never listen to me”, the solution is not obvious. However, if the statement is “You don’t make enough eye contact when I’m talking to you,” then the solution is obvious and you can skip brainstorming altogether. (You’ll still need to work on the implementation, though!)

Ask yourself questions about the problem. What is not known about it? Can you draw a diagram of the problem? What are the problem boundaries? Be curious. Ask questions and gather facts. It is said that a well-defined problem is halfway to being solved: I would add that a perfectly-defined problem is not a problem anymore.

10. Problem-Solve Your Problem Statement

I know I risk getting into an infinite loop here, but as you may have noticed, getting the right perspective of a problem is, well, a problem in itself. As such, feel free to use any creative thinking technique you know to help. There are plenty to choose from:

Of course, how much effort you invest in defining the problem in contrast to how much effort you invest in solving your actual problem is a hard balance to achieve, though one which is attainable with practice.

Personally, I don’t think that 55 minutes of defining a problem versus 5 minutes acting on it is usually a good proportion. The point is that we must be aware of how important problem defining is and correct our tendency to spend too little time on it.

In fact, when you start paying more attention to how you define your problems, you’ll probably find that it is usually much harder than solving them. But you’ll also find that the payoff is well worth the effort.